Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

AVOID IF EASILY OFFENDED

(44 Posts)
bonkerz Mon 07-Feb-05 21:33:44

OK , dont want to offend but am bored stiff and need to just let off steam! so want rude, smutty jokes anyone?

wobblyknicks Mon 07-Feb-05 21:34:16

I want rude jokes!!!

bonkerz Mon 07-Feb-05 21:34:39

well i want a big willy but am gonna have to look for it!

wobblyknicks Mon 07-Feb-05 21:35:07

If you really want one there are surgeons that can do that for you

Joolstoo Mon 07-Feb-05 21:35:16

I can't tell you a joke but I was looking for a picture of Eros for the 'Nosey' thread - go to google images and type in 'eros' take a look at the first picture

Joolstoo Mon 07-Feb-05 21:36:04

bonkerz we've heard enough about your cravings for one day thankyou!


wobblyknicks Mon 07-Feb-05 21:36:08

Oooer!!!

jampots Mon 07-Feb-05 21:36:44

bonkerz Mon 07-Feb-05 21:37:18

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mum, where do babies come from?
Mum: ... Well dear....a mummy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mum: Jewelery, dear.

Joolstoo Mon 07-Feb-05 21:37:55

its even worse if you enlarge the picture talk about 'inyerface'! LOL

wobblyknicks Mon 07-Feb-05 21:38:10

Lol bonkerz!

Joolstoo Mon 07-Feb-05 21:38:32

that's not true

bonkerz Mon 07-Feb-05 21:38:42

Once upon a time there was a fly flying six inches above some water in a river. Out of nowhere a bass came along and saw the fly that was flying six inches above the water and said, "I wish that fly would drop four inches so I can jump up out of the water and eat the fly."

Then come along a bear and he saw what was going on and then he said,

"I wish that fly would only drop four inches, so the bass could jump out of the water and eat the fly, so I could grab and eat the bass."

Not long after that had happened a hunter came along and saw everything that was going on and said, "I wish that fly would just drop four inches so that the bass could jump out of the water and eat the fly, so the bear could go over and catch and eat the bass, so I could shoot the bear and have a nice trophy."

A few minutes later a mountain lion stops behind a bush and sees what is going on and says,

"I wish that fly would just drop four inches so the bass could jump out of the water and eat the fly, so the bear could go over and catch and eat the bass, and the hunter could shoot the bear, so I could jump out of this bush and land on the hunter and eat him."

All of a sudden the fly drops four inches so the bass jumps and eats the fly, the bear grabs and eats the bass, the hunter shoots the bear, and the mountain lion jumps over the hunter and lands right in the water.

And the moral of the story is: WHEN THE FLY DROPS, THE PUSSY GETS WET

kid Mon 07-Feb-05 21:39:34

THE Lone Ranger and Tonto went into a town and decide to have a drink as
>>>they a approach a bar they see a sign no Indians allowed in the bar.
>>>
>>>Tonto says: "That's ok I think I'll jog around the saloon few times
>>>because I am trying to keep fit."
>>>
>>>The Lone Ranger goes in and orders a drink he is sipping his drink when
>>>another cowboy comes in and says: "Excuse me mate have you left your
>>>injun running."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> ___
>>>
>>>2
>>>
>>>TWO women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
>>>ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
>>>
>>>The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
>>>together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around
>>>in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to
>>>apologize.
>>>
>>>"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
>>>relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
>>>
>>>"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
>>>replied, still in pain, in the foetal position, still clasping his hands
>>>together in his groin.
>>>
>>>But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took
>>>his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and
>>>put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
>>>
>>>She then asked, "How does that feel?"
>>>
>>>He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
>>>
>>> ___
>>>
>>>3
>>>
>>>A VERY drunk man was sitting in a train compartment when a woman stepped
>>>in.
>>>
>>>They sat silent for a while when the woman accusingly said: "You are
>>>drunk, you are very drunk".
>>>
>>>"Yesshh, I am. And you are ugly, very ugly. But tomorrow I will
>>>be sober".
>>>
>>> ___
>>>
>>>4
>>>
>>>A CARDIOLOGIST died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
>>>covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
>>>
>>>Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
>>>The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
>>>forever.
>>>
>>>At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
>>>stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
>>>funeral...I'm a gynaecologist."
>>>
>>> ___
>>>
>>>5
>>>
>>>Q. HEAR about the blonde that got an AM radio?
>>>
>>>A. It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> ___
>>>
>>>6
>>>
>>>A PSYCHIATRIST was conducting a group therapy session with four young
>>>mothers and their small children.
>>>
>>>"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he
>>>said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter
>>>Candy."
>>>
>>>He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again,
>>>it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
>>>
>>>He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
>>>manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
>>>
>>>At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy
>>>by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
>>>
>>> ___
>>>
>>>7
>>>
>>>AS my wife and I are approaching our 63rd and 65th birthdays,
>>>respectively, we scheduled our annual medical examination the same day
>>>so we could travel together.
>>>
>>>After my examination, the doctor said: "You appear to be in good health.
>>>Do you have any medical concerns that you
>>> would like to discuss with me?"
>>>
>>>"In fact, I do," I said. "After I have sex with my wife the first time,
>>>I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the
>>>second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
>>>
>>>"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research
>>>and get back to you."
>>>
>>>After examining my wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be
>>>fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss
>>>with me?"
>>>
>>>She replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than
>>>asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is
>>>usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold
>>>and chilly after the second time: "Do you know why?"
>>>
>>>"Oh that old git!" she replied. "That's because the first time is
>>>usually in July and the second time is usually in December."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> ___
>>>
>>>8
>>>
>>>TWO old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench
>>>one morning.
>>>
>>>The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
>>>of breath.
>>>
>>>The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he
>>>did to have so much energy.
>>>
>>>The 87 year old said: "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps
>>>your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
>>>
>>>So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
>>>looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
>>>
>>>He said: "Do you have any Italian bread?"
>>>
>>>She said: "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
>>>
>>>He said: "I want 5 loaves."
>>>
>>>She said: "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get
>>>to the 5th loaf it'll be hard?"
>>>
>>>He replied: "Holy crap...! Everybody in the world knows about this
>>>Italian bread thing but ME....?!"
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> ___
>>>
>>>
>>>9
>>>
>>>Q. WHY did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
>>>
>>>A. He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
>>>
>>> ___
>>>
>>>10
>>>
>>>A TEACHER is sat teaching a class of 6 year olds. she's reading them the
>>>story of the three little pigs. when she comes to the part where the
>>>little pig asks the farmer for some straw.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>"Please can I have some straw to build a house with" the pig said, then
>>>suddenly the teacher stops looks round the class and says: "So what do
>>>you think the farmer said children?"
>>>
>>>
>>>All of a sudden little Tommy puts his hand in the air and says: "Bloody
>>>hell it's a talking pig."

bonkerz Mon 07-Feb-05 21:40:42

Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feelthat all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Splash Back Dump
You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed.

The Aborted Dump
You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.

The Caesarian Dump
Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.

The Childbirth Dump
This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell you have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Security Dump
You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly.

wobblyknicks Mon 07-Feb-05 21:42:20

bonkerz - you are dump obsessed!!!

Joolstoo Mon 07-Feb-05 21:42:58

these are too long for me - I have a short attention span.

bonkerz Mon 07-Feb-05 21:43:03

yep i even married an arse!

wobblyknicks Mon 07-Feb-05 21:43:28

LOl, good one!!

MistressMary Mon 07-Feb-05 21:44:17

1 What does Popeye do to stop his willie getting rusty?

2 What happened when Snow White made love to Grumpy?

bonkerz Mon 07-Feb-05 21:44:42

Penis Size
TRUE FACT:
Male sperm (Y) swim faster and die sooner than female sperm (X), because female sperm contain heavier genetic material, which slows them down but allows them to live longer.
THEREFORE:
Males with longer penises tend to produce more male offspring because they deposit the sperm closer to the egg and Y sperm cells win the "sprint." Males with shorter penises tend to have more female offspring because sperm is deposited further from the egg, Y sperm die off thus allowing X sperm to win the "marathon."
CONCLUSION:
Look at your family. This tells you whether or not your father had a big
one.

Joolstoo Mon 07-Feb-05 21:44:55

1 is something to do with Olive Oyl obviously ....

kid Mon 07-Feb-05 21:45:01

1: dips it in olive oil

bonkerz Mon 07-Feb-05 21:45:36

Taxidermist
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

bonkerz Mon 07-Feb-05 21:46:24

Mirror mirror on the door
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.

A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun."
The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."
"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.
"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"
"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now