1. We live in an age when Pizza gets to your home before the police.
2. Last week I stated that this Woman was the Ugliest Woman I had ever
Seen. I have since been visited by her Sister and now Wish to
Withdraw that Statement. (Mark Twain).
3. My Advice to you is get Married, if you find a good Wife You'll be Happy
If not, You'll Become a Philosopher. (Socrates).
4. She Had Lost the Art of Conversation but not, Unfortunately,
the Power of Speech. (George Bernard Shaw).
5. He was a Great Patriot, A Humanitarian, A Loyal Friend, Provided
Of Course, He Really Is Dead. (Voltaire).
6. When I asked my Accountant if anything could get me out of this
Mess I am in? He Thought and said, 'Yes, Death Would Help.'
7). In Italy for 30 Years under the Borgais, they had WarFare, Terror
Murder, and BloodShed, but they Produced Michelangelo,
Leonardo Da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had
Brotherly Love, 500 Years of Democracy and Peace, and what did
They Produce? The Cuckoo Clock. (Orson Wells).
8. Love is Temporary Insanity Curable by Marriage. (Ambrose Bierce).
9. I am an Expert of Electricity, My Father Occupied the Chair of
Applied Electricity at the State Prison. (W. C. Fields).
10. I went to Watch pavarotti Once. He doesn't like it when you join in.
Why is it that people with bad breath, always want to tell you secrets?
"If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change their name to Knockers?"
*Never take it seriously. If you never take it seriously you never get hurt, if you never get hurt you always have fun and, if you ever get lonely...just go to the record store, and visit your friends* Penny Lane (Kate Hudson) "Almost Famous"
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
Behind every succesful man is the women tired of doing his work
This morning I looked at my unmade bed and decided that it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.
~A real friend isn't someone that walks in when the rest of the world walks out........a real friend is someone that was there with u the whole time~
kids are like cookies...theyre fun to make, even if they turn out bad
I wish my mum had told me the same things about guys as she had about horror movies when I was five. Don't worry Hunny it's all fake!!!
When we lose weight...where does it all go?!
"No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how." Rhett Butler(Clark Gable)Gone With the Wind
All love shifts and changes. I don't know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time.
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on it's head!"
Hurting you is the last thing i want to do. but it's still on the list
These are better:
1. "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
2. "Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
3. "A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing."
4. "When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad."
5. "I have never really understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already well catered for in any respectable domestic establishment."
6. "Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe."
7. "Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel."
Leonardo Di Vinci.
8. "I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
9. "I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern."
10. "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
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