so glad to find this board

[Clareandjaya]

Hi,

I would love to hear from others with any of the same issues.

Title says it all really. We have a 12 month old DD. However we are not a 'one-child family' as DP has two children from his first marriage (9 and 11 years old) who we see for a night or two at weekends. I love them to bits but for a variety of reasons we have decided to have one child together and so DD will be my 'only'.

DP and I have been together for 7 years. When we met he was newly divorced and unsure that he would ever want more children. We took things very slowly until he had made a decision as I knew I would want at least one child. Eventually we decided that our want to be together was the most important thing, and made a choice that we would have one child together.

We didn't start trying until 5 more years down the line, and then it turned out not to be easy (fertility problems on both sides and two early miscarriages.)By this time, DP was as keen for a baby as me and was overjoyed when we finally got pg with DD.

However, the textbook pregnancy took a nasty turn at 28 weeks when I developed sudden and severe pre-eclampsia. I was seriously ill and DD was born weighing just over a one pound after a traumatic emergency c-section.

Without going into too many details, the next 4 months were the most traumatic we have ever had. DD clinging to life by a thread, constant stress, numerous scares about DD's future health and trying to balance a sense of normality for the other two children.

a year down the line, we have a very small but healthy little girl for which we are so thankful.she is the apple of her daddy's eye and mine if it comes to that! She is adored and loved by her older siblings. I am glad for her that she has a brother and sister albeit that they are so much older, but sometimes feel strange that I will have no more children.

Even if DP and I had chosen ourselves to have any more, my consultant has warned us that I am likely to suffer the same pregnancy isues if not worse this time. I don't think we could go through it all again with the risk that the outcome might not be as good. We have been so lucky.

For now, I am satisfied with having one child. The only thing I find is the sense of sadness when the milestones pass- e.g, to know I will never witness the first tooth again, the first crawling- the same feeling I get when I put away a set of clothes she has outgrown or give away a piece of baby equipment.I am sure there are others who might feel like this?

Anyway,it would be great to hear from anyone in a simialr situation.

xxx

[CMOTdibbler]

Nice to meet you

DH and I only wanted one child, but after repeated miscarriages, and a premature birth, we wouldn't try for another baby iyswim. So we are a one child family by choice, but not quite.

I do think that everyone has a sense of sadness as the milestones go by, whether they have 1 child or 6 - it's changing the phase of your life.

Theres a rather nice tearoom on this topic, where mums of one (or more in some cases) chat and drink virtual wine if you'd like to join. It means we can have wibbles about our children without mums of many potentially dismissing our concerns (as has happened in the past)

[Clareandjaya]

Thank you, and lovely to hear from you. I think, like you, we probably wouldn't have had more than one child anyway, but DD's prematurity and my sudden deterioration in health during pregnancy has just confirmed this.

Tearoom sounds great, I will take a look!

xxx

[teafortwo]

Clareandjaya - 'ello!!!



Well, I must admit, I am so glad to find you on this board too!

Your little girl sounds like a complete one hundred percent star!!! Congratulations on her success!

We have one dd who is 3 (see profile)! The baby with her on one pic is her "naaayoooow baybiii cuzurn" and the first pic is Eccles - our little puppy who keeps stealing our underwear and hiding them under her bed which is very embarrassing funny! The last pic is when dh and I eloped to London to get 'itched (dd was bridesmaid ie played catch with us as we said our vows)! It makes me feel rebelious to have a pic of the day on my profile!!!

I am jibbering now - blah blah blah!!! Anyway, I wanted to introduce myself and tell you that CMOT is completely right - the tearoom is a luuurverly hangout! Please do pop in and join the crazy cult us!!!

[teafortwo]

click here...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/one_child_families/873977-Tea-Room-the-Twelfth

[Clareandjaya]

teafortwo,

Hello, thanks for your welcome- and gorgeous pics. what a beautiful little girl. We have a madcap puppy too- 5 months old, dexter. He is hard work but DD loves him...

will certainly go and look at the tearoom...

xxx

[Doozle]

Hi and welcome.

Can certainly identify with what you are saying - DD was also prem and it's not the only reason but is a big factor in us not having another. Doc said there'd be a 30-40% chance of it happening again.

As Cmot says, reckon most people go through that sadness when it's their last baby and they're reaching milestones etc.

This board is brilliant, been a life-saver as I don't really know anyone else in RL who only has one/only wants one.

[teafortwo]

I don't feel sad when dd reaches the milestones it is the opposite. I love it!!! I am such a show off I take billions of photos and send them to all the relations and boastfully go on and on about it with my Mum for weeks.

What I do have is... well... this irrational mourning that just hits me there - every so often I mourn my newborn baby with a peachy head or my 6 month old snorting baby gleefully kicking in her sling or the baby that took three steps and fell over for a fortnight or the little girl who said awaddawaa instead of water, I miss breastfeeding her... and even sometimes mourn the feeling of her foot or hand growing and moving inside me. It is quite overwhelming and hits at the most stupid often completely unrelated moments.

I think this is all part of being a Mum however many children you have!

[UniS]

hiya. welcome to the board

[Clareandjaya]

Thanks for your replies.

I am also a photo-taker and do celebrate each achievement, especially since a year ago I doubted we would ever get to this stage- but I do get a pang thinking 'I am not going to experience this again'. But I think you're right, this is a common feeling whether it is a first and only child, or your tenth.

I too don't really know anyone who is planning to have an only . After having a scout round on this board though and reading some posts I am actually feeling more positive about the whole thing.

Thanks again for your replies
xxx

[MadBadandCoveredinTinsel]

Hello from me too.

I too get a bit wistful when I'm sorting out old clothes and toys or generally just reflecting that I'll never again be pregnant, or have a toddler or take my child to school for the first time (unless I try to do it when she's 11, in which case she'll probably never speak to me again). But we had a lot of difficulty having our dd too, so for us having a child represented victory snatched from the jaws of defeat - the rest is pretty easy to live with.

Please drop into the tea room.

[milliemixy]

Have been looking for one child families for a while, my dd is 11 anyone else got one this age?

[ASmallBunchOfFlowers]

Hello Milliemixy.

The answer to your question is no, not quite - although we do get plenty of pre-teenage strops!

How are you?

[Tenalady]

My needs have changed as DS8 has got older. I craved for the second child, just a broody baby thing when I look back. Now that he is 8 I do the guilt thing when he is playing alone in the house and being dragged around with us boring adults to cafe's and tea rooms.

[sfxmum]

hello all

I have an only too, 5yr old dd

not really by choice most by circumstance really but I did decide to stop trying once I hit 40, am now 41 and oddly lately the arrival of each period is greeted by some kind of quiet private mourning even though we are not trying and it is not the sort I talk about

recently we went away for her 5th and we both commented on how she was by herself and how this was so different from both our experiences growing up

it can be sad sometimes but she is cherished and we feel lucky to have her