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Feel hurt on behalf of my 5 year old

(12 Posts)
HelenMeg Wed 14-Oct-09 21:43:55

Ever since my DS has been at school - currently in Year 1 - his biggest friend has been a boy with whom he attended nursery school. This was natural as he was the only boy my DS knew when starting school.
Once a week, DS went home to play after school with thi sboy and vice versa - this only went on for 3 - 4 weeks or so and was a casual arrangement. But then, I noticed a couple of weeks ago that DS's friend started taking another boy home for tea on the same evening, and DS is no longer invited, even tho they are best friends. OK, i can understand this - its a free country. But I started to be friends with this other boys mum and I felt a little hurt on behalf of my son. Now, DS's friend's Mum has slightly different values to me in bringing up children, and DS' s friend is not all that kind and sensitive, and when he has been to my house he never wants to play with DS but he just wants to play with his toys etc which used to upset DS a bit. So , all in all, on one hand I'm relieved at the situation but on the other I am offended, and if I'm honest with you, I dont find the Mum to be a very loyal person etc, and she's not exactly my type.
On the other hand, DS still is fairly dependent upon his friendship with the boy - so I dont want to spoil that for him. I have tried encouraging DS to bring other friends home but he really isnt bothered, and gets annoyed if I keep mentioning it..

I realise it may sound ike I'm making a big fuss of this - but I just feel angry that th other Mum didnt speak to me about it - instead she kind of just said nothing and seemed embarrassed when I saw her taking the other boy home..
How would you feel ?

Littlefish Wed 14-Oct-09 21:56:08

I can understand that your ds feels a little upset, but you can't force the friendship. I don't think the other mum necessarily needs to speak to you about it. Children go through stages with friendships. I would focus on encouraging alternative friendships for your ds by inviting other children back to play.

HelenMeg Wed 14-Oct-09 21:59:48

Yes I know I should do that Little Fish.. but I ask DS who he'd like to come and play and he just isnt bothered about having anyone to come and play, and doesnt like it when I go on about it. I suppose I should just ask someone to come to play who I feel he gets on with - but I find it difficult..
Do I just approach the parents and suggest it? Mybe it's me - I'm scared of rejection or something. Does anyone else find this difficult?

Littlefish Wed 14-Oct-09 22:05:43

Oh yes, it can be very tricky approaching a parent you don't know well. I think you might need to tell a little white lie wink.

You could just say to someone "oh, ds was talking about your ds recently so I wondered if you would like to bring him round to play for an hour". Keep the time short so that it can be successful for everyone.

Do you drop off/pick up ds from the playground? I would just take a deep breath and go for it before you lose your nerve!

HelenMeg Wed 14-Oct-09 22:37:18

Little Fish - thanks for the encouragement -I think you are right -I just have to go for it, and know that I'm doing it for a good cause! I do drop him and pick him from school so I get plenty of opportunity.

notquiteagymbunny Wed 14-Oct-09 23:00:08

With dd - she knew noone when she started school - I was a little more sneaky, in that I asked her every few days who she played with that day. Once I had a few names that recurred, I approached the mums. I have never yet been 'rejected', in general I think most are happy to get rid of their kids for an evening grin. Then I would present it to her as a fait accompli. Good luck!

sticktoyourgins Thu 15-Oct-09 02:26:36

HelenMeg - could it be that your DS just doesn't want anyone round to play after school? Maybe he's tired and after a day spent inter-acting just wants some quiet time after school.

HelenMeg Thu 15-Oct-09 10:05:03

NQAGBunny - yes - thats the way to do it I think!

SticktoyourGins - yes its also definitely a case of that he is truly quite content to get home and relax. He attends the odd social club after school too.

I guess part of this is me - worrying that I may not be doing enough to encourage new friends. But I do need to balance that with the fact that he is very young and school / other activities etc are probably quite sufficient for him right now. Hopefully in time, as he progresses through school he will make some closer friends and actually want to spend time with them out of school.
Part of my worry comes from the fact that he hasnt got siblings to interact with at home..
but like many point out, that actually means he has our attention more, and is able to pplay calmly and relaxedly in his own sspace.. I have been over analysing things and over worrying porbably.

HelenMeg Thu 15-Oct-09 10:05:37

NQAGBunny - yes - thats the way to do it I think!

SticktoyourGins - yes its also definitely a case of that he is truly quite content to get home and relax. He attends the odd social club after school too.

I guess part of this is me - worrying that I may not be doing enough to encourage new friends. But I do need to balance that with the fact that he is very young and school / other activities etc are probably quite sufficient for him right now. Hopefully in time, as he progresses through school he will make some closer friends and actually want to spend time with them out of school.
Part of my worry comes from the fact that he hasnt got siblings to interact with at home..
but like many point out, that actually means he has our attention more, and is able to pplay calmly and relaxedly in his own sspace.. I have been over analysing things and over worrying porbably.

zazen Thu 15-Oct-09 10:11:46

It might be worth getting a few of your DS's classmates to come to the park nearby - not something so rigid as a playdate with one particular boy IYSWIM.

Chat to the other mummies and say we're going to the park after school today / or XXXday or whatever and could you come along?

I think your DS needs to play the field so to speak.

The best way to encourage your DS to make friends, is to have lots of them yourself IMHO.

HelenMeg Thu 15-Oct-09 20:31:41

Zazen - good idea, thank you. As it happens I live right near a park.
I have also decided to ask the parents of a boy in the same year at school - if he'd like to go swimming with us after school (knowing his son and my DS both like swimming).

Can I ask if anyone knows what normally happens (if there is a normal) as regards children making friends at primary school.. for instance, when do they start forimng closer friendships etc .. is it around Year 1 - Year 2? Do they start having less friends but closer friendships?

UniS Thu 15-Oct-09 22:08:17

2nding the park nearby after school approach. I take boy down the rec regularly at school kick out time as I know there will be other kids and their parents there. He generally finds someone to hang out with if he want to or just enjoys teh slide and rockers.

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