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I want a second child but my partner does not

(8 Posts)
rabbit54 Tue 06-Oct-09 22:09:43

We have a 22 month old DS. My DP is a fantastic father. His character is not to make changes in his life. I have found having a child so emotionally overwhelming amazing that I would like a second. I had an easy pregnancy, money is not an issue and we have the space. However for the last nine months my DP has said absolutely not to a second child. I am 40 and a half. My DP loves being a dad. I have a contraceptive coil in and I would like to take it out now and try for a second. I am thinking of not telling my DP and seeing if I can get pregnant. This would jeopardise our relationship. My boyfriend has told me that in the last nine months that he stopped loving me but in the last couple of months has begun to like me quite a lot again. My DP is up and down towards me, moody and and not very affectionate. But we have a similar life style, have great sex and tend to not annoy each other. He won't tell me what his true feelings towards me are. I am considering the gamble. Are me an my DP are likely to stay together long term or not? If I deceive him with contraception it could quite possibly be the end of the relationship? But I would get what I want which is two children. Would it be better for my son to have a sibling? My DP would always be involved in the children whether me and him were in a partnership or not. The practical problems are he owns the house, we are not married and I have only worked a little in the last two years so I don't have an income that i can live on. I have been living off my savings. What shall I do?

Adryath Wed 07-Oct-09 10:42:32

This must be very hard for you, particuarly if your DP is playing around with your feelings but I think you need to be honest with him and tell him that you want another child and won't be truly happy or feel fulfilled unless you have one. If he is not willing to have anther child with you then, hard as that may be, IMHO you have to respect that.

I don't know what others think but I think it's a truly dispicable thing to do to trap someone into making you pregnant.

He might be quite happy to have sex with you but ultimately to make you pregnant is his choice - not yours.

What would you think if a man drugged his partner, who considered that they'd completed their family, and impregnanted her because he really wanted another child? I'm sure you'd think it was shocking but it amounts to more or less the same thing and is just as unacceptable as what you're planning to do IMHO. At least that woman would have the option to terminate the pregnancy if she didn't want it. A man wouldn't though would he?

I know there's always the argument "you'd love it once it was here" but a child is not a puppy or a kitten that you can hope will be too cute to resist when push comes to shove. A child is a huge financial and emotional commitment for the rest of your life.

You might have to accept that you and your DP now want different things out of life. When that happens in relationships people have to take stock and consider what they want to do.

If having another child is so importnant to you perhaps you need to think about finding another relationship with someome who does. You are 40 and a half and still have some childbearing years left.

If keeping your family together is importnant to you, then you might have to sacrifice what you want.

It seems that your DP has laid his cards on the table so it's your call at the end of the day.

Acinonyx Wed 07-Oct-09 11:27:47

In this instance, I agree with Adryath. Not only is it wrong to trick someone into parenthood, it is also a poor start for your future child who will very likley come to know that he was born against his own father's wishes. It's not the kind of situation to bring a child into deliberately.

I'm always surprised by the number of women who deliberately have children in poor or failing relationships. If your partner agreed then it would be up to you to decide whether to go ahead even if it means breaking up. As long as he has agreed and you are prepared to parent alone, then that is a different matter.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow Wed 07-Oct-09 16:49:49

I agree with everything that's been said so far.

And, I would add, don't make your decision on the basis of whether it would "be better" for your son to have a sibling. It's far more complicated than that. The question (it seems) is whether it would be better for your son to have a sibling even if that meant deceiving your partner and/or destroying your relationship. And Acinonyx and Adryath have already covered that.

rabbit54 Wed 07-Oct-09 20:09:30

Thank you for your messages. It's amazing how much better I feel from your comments as strangers. I am beginning to accept that I will not have a second child. At the moment I still feel pissed off with my DP for being lazy. But there are a few little issues in our relationship as well, so I am not sure which is pissing me off. The idea that has made me more accepting is the statement one of you said about its not a good beginning for the beginning of a child's life when one of the parents was deceived. And obviously the last thing I want to do is damage a child's life. So, I am calm for now. I know the next year will be a roller coaster for me seeing my friends having their second babies, so I may well be back here again writing to you.

rabbit54 Wed 07-Oct-09 20:10:12

p.s. what is IMHO?

Acinonyx Wed 07-Oct-09 22:09:13

I do sympathise with you as I would also have loved to have a second child and it can be tough seeing all the siblings arrive.

IMHO = in my honest opionion

sticktoyourgins Wed 07-Oct-09 22:13:36

IMHO = in my humble opinion.

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