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I am finding life with my ds a strain

(27 Posts)
worzil Fri 03-Jul-09 09:40:52

Hi
He is 8 and I go out of my way to arrange playdates for him so he isn,t lonely they are hardly ever reciprocated though.
Anyway there is alot of the time spent with with it just been his dad and me.
Being an only I suppose he is going to look towards me as his playmate but I am finding it such a strain of late with him with his demands to do things with him.
I do love him to bits and wouldn,t be without him but from the time he comes home from school my time is taken up with him whether it be play tag, hide and seek, play on the trampoline with him.
I know that I should make an effort to a certain extent and I do but there is no let up with him sometimes and my trouble is that I feel guilty if I don,t do stuff with him and feel guilty if I persuade him to go to his room and put a dvd on.
We don,t have the sort of set up where there is anyone in the family who ever offers to take him out for the day and we don,t have any children in the family of his age that he can go off and have a play with.
Some nights he doesn,t want to go to bed and alhtough I make him go he lies there saying he can,t sleep and its about 10.00pm at night, he is lying there saying I can,t sleep I want to do something with you.
Just wondering if anyone with an only has felt the strain like this.

I

HSMM Fri 03-Jul-09 09:45:27

My DD aged 9 is like this. I find it hard to split my time between her and DH, because she wants a play mate and he wants a wife. I also invite lots of friends round to play. I find it hard work, but I love her to bits, so .....

3littlefrogs Fri 03-Jul-09 09:49:06

He sounds normal.

It must be hard coping alone - when mine were small dh worked very long hours and away a lot, no family. I found weekends the hardest.

I think all you can do is keep on keeping on IYSWIM.

Have you considered cubs/scouts?

Sports clubs?

Any other after school activities?

You will find that in another 2 or 3 years, he will be less demanding of your time, but at this age, he needs you, and if you make the most of these years, you will reap the benefits of your relationship when he is older.

Does he see his dad? sorry - don't know your circumstances, so hope that isn't a tactless question.

andlipsticktoo Fri 03-Jul-09 09:58:04

Are there any after school clubs he could go to?

Could you arrange a play date for him at least once a week? My ds1 best friend is an only and I know he is always desperate for friends to play with. My ds goes to his house far more than he comes to ours, but that is because I have 3ds and they each want to have friends to play.

When my older 2ds were about 8 they were obsessively into lego star wars, making the models and playing with them, perhaps you could introduce a hobby? All 3 of my ds are now into Warhammer 40,000, which is another collectable hobby which involves making, painting, reading about and playing a very complicated game. They go to Games Workshop to meet other like minded boys to play against.

The other thing of course is to introduce a games console.... but you may regret that!

worzil Fri 03-Jul-09 10:01:56

I know what you mean about trying to be a playmate and a mother its hard work.
I get quite tired and feel a bit ridiculous that I can get so tired with just the one dc.
Yes littlefrogs he sees his dad we all live together.
His dad isn,t the most lively of dads he will play wii games with him, take him to the cinema but nothing else.
I find the first hour after coming in from school quite wearing because ds is off with his demands for play and dh is just coming in from work wanting his tea.
I have seriously been thinking about some after school activities but my ds takes an awful lot of persuading to go to things he seems happy to just spend his time at home as long as I carry on being his playmate.
We are not the youngest of parents with me at 38 and dh at 45.

3littlefrogs Fri 03-Jul-09 10:16:42

I have 3, and had my youngest when I was in my 40s. I remember having days when I felt at least a hundred!

45 isn't old IMO. Maybe it is just that your dh hasn't really grasped that being a parent is actually a full time job? Can you think of something the two of them could go and do one evening a week, so you can have a rest?
Boys need their dads at this age. It sounds as though your dh is set in his ways, and needs encouragement to take a bit more interest.

worzil Fri 03-Jul-09 10:16:48

I think that life with an only is flippin hard work and although I know that it must be hard work having a larger family maybe because siblings can sometimes play together there would be less demands on the parents.
I don,t mean any disrespect by that to larger familes as I am sure it must bring hard work in other ways but I find myslef wondering what it would have been like if my ds had of had a sibling would things have been easier for me.

3littlefrogs Fri 03-Jul-09 10:20:36

And 38 isn't old!!! When I was 38 I had 2 little boys under 5. Their dad worked from 8:00 till 8:00 every day. Plus every other weekend, and was often away for weeks at a time.

Are you stressed/anxious or maybe depressed about anything else in your life ATM?

3littlefrogs Fri 03-Jul-09 10:21:49

You sound resentful of your dh and your little boy. I am thinking maybe there is more to this.

worzil Fri 03-Jul-09 10:22:00

He is set in his ways and not the most exciting of dads for an 8 year old.
I wish he was the sort of dad that would take ds fishing, play football, have some rough and tumble.
I don,t think I would have felt so bad if he was this sort of a dad.

worzil Fri 03-Jul-09 10:23:53

I am not resentful to my boy but I am resentful to my dh.
I am depressed about something but then thats another story.

3littlefrogs Fri 03-Jul-09 10:27:03

But it is affecting your relationship with your son, and you do sound resentful of him, even though you may not mean to.

I am sorry you are depressed, but I think you need to seek help/ try and sort that out, because it WILL affect your relationship with your son in the long term, and that is not fair on him.

worzil Fri 03-Jul-09 10:30:20

I have always wanted another dc littlefrogs but dh was not interested and now its too late for me.
I think it has impacted on me big time and probably has affected my relationship with my dh more so.

3littlefrogs Fri 03-Jul-09 10:30:55

In the meantime, it will help if you make a determined effort to get your son along to cubs, swimming club, any kind of after school activity you can think of. He will enjoy it if you are enthusiastic about it.

My aunt's husband died when her boys were 2 and 4. She says that the local cubs/scouts were the best thing to happen to her after that, and made a world of difference to her life.

3littlefrogs Fri 03-Jul-09 10:32:49

worzil - I am so sorry - you sound so sad.

But you have to find a way to move on from this place you are stuck in, so you can enjoy your son and your life.

Are you having any help/support/counselling for your depression?

worzil Fri 03-Jul-09 10:38:20

I have tried but its been hard.
My sister has been a support to me but now things have gone onto the back burner and nobody asks me how I am doing anymore and I don,t talk about things for fear of boring people. I put on a brave face and becasue I do that I think people think I am okay but I am not.
I have been thinking of seeing my doctor about counselling I have so many issues going around in my head that I need to talk about.

3littlefrogs Fri 03-Jul-09 10:44:50

Please - make an appointment with your GP and ask for counselling. Do it today. You owe it to yourself and ds.

3littlefrogs Fri 03-Jul-09 10:50:47

And - you can always make dh's tea in advance, put it in the fridge and he can heat it up himself! Or - he could even get his own tea!!!

daisy99divine Fri 03-Jul-09 12:18:45

worzil, just wanted to pop in and say hello. 3littlefrogs has made some great suggestions
Have you read "Raising Boys" by Stephen Biddulph? I got it from the library and it is very interesting, I think if you could persuade your DH to read it he may view his role with your DS differently -

Can you tell DH you need him to take DS for one evening? CAn you get your DS to help you with things you need to do - like cook your DHs tea?

ANd 3littlefrogs is right, you should try and get some help for your own low mood

good luck!

3littlefrogs Fri 03-Jul-09 12:27:41

Yes - excellent book IMO.

smee Fri 03-Jul-09 12:47:19

worzil, why not do something for you - ie remove yourself from the house. Start a class, see a friend, go for a swim or something like that. It'll give you a break and maybe push your DH to do some more with his son.

3littlefrogs Fri 03-Jul-09 12:58:13

I used to go for a swim with my 10 yr old in the evening. It was quite fun, and a bit of exercise!

flashharriet Fri 03-Jul-09 13:07:15

IF ds is reluctant to join clubs but is happy to do things with you, why not get him to join cubs and you become a helper? You can always "fade out" when he's established but it sounds like he could do with some activities and playmates that are just "there" that he doesn't have to go looking for IYKWIM.

Are there no children in your road that he could play with or cycle up and down with after school, even if they're different ages or girls?

twowheels Sat 04-Jul-09 14:08:39

Hi Worzil,

I know he feeling you describe. My DS is 6 and I can feel worn out by his demands, My DH is very good with him and they do spend a lot of time together.

I feel I have so much to do with work and the house that it feels too much for my DS' demands for attention and playing.

I just try to limit the time I spend with him at home - ie I play for 30 mins then he plays by himself for 30 mins.

Can you try that.

worzil Sat 04-Jul-09 18:14:33

Thanks for all of your suggestions.
He was getting a little group of friends going in the nieghbourhood but then they all id nothing but fall out and it became more trouble than it was worth, so therefore they seldom play anymore.

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