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"you just got the one then, not fancy any more?" - how do you respond?

(73 Posts)
DrNortherner Tue 14-Apr-09 16:23:31

Cause I am tempted to reply:

Well after 6 years of TTC, 9 miscarriages and a hysterectomy it's highly unlikeley.....

<not true but it will make them shut up grin>

beanieb Tue 14-Apr-09 16:26:01

I would say that! I am fed up with the 'are you going to have any kids' thing. Always want to respond with 'well we've been trying since 2007 and but it seems my OH's sperm doesn't want to meet up with my egg for some unexplained reason'

CMOTdibbler Tue 14-Apr-09 16:27:18

I employ a three strikes and you're out policy - first time of asking 'Nah, can't afford the carbon offsetting' <laugh and rapid change of subject>, second time 'DS is quite enough of a handful', third time 'I lost three babies, and didn't want to do that again'

Only one person has ever gone beyond step 3, and that was MIL. DH was not a happy bunny

EnterStageLeft Tue 14-Apr-09 16:28:29

Discussion about possible future children is a fact of life, like it or not. When a woman already has one child it's more acceptable because obviously there aren't complete blocks to child-production. I can't get through a gathering of mums without the subject coming up sometime in relation to someone there.

Phrased as you put it it is allowing the askee to just say no, didn't fancy anymore. Personally I think it's better than a straight "do you plan to have any more?", which may be being more nosy as to the reasons why not.

I don't think I've put that very well grin

I tend to say something like "do you think you might like to have another one at some stage?".

As to the actual answer, which is what you asked - no idea, sorry {grin]

MrsTittleMouse Tue 14-Apr-09 16:30:43

I was tempted to bluntly tell them exactly how difficult it had been to conceive DD1 and exactly how screwed up I was by her birth. I kept my mouth shut though and just told people that we were happy as we were. A select few got an edited "I'm not going through that again", being unspecific about what "that" actually was.

Now I have DD2 too, and we're asked wjen we're going to "try for the boy". hmm

nickschick Tue 14-Apr-09 16:33:06

My friend who has only one child has an ace non offensive reply...

'Yes I only have 1-You cant improve on perfection'

nickschick Tue 14-Apr-09 16:34:45

Mrs Tittle you wanna be me with my 3 boys people assume i am desperate for a daughter and knowing ive had 3 c sects people have actually said its a shame you had to have c sections you wasted your chances to get a girl shock.

daisy99divine Tue 14-Apr-09 16:35:22

I just say "no" - I try to adopt the never explain never complain motto....

sometimes when a subject is sensitive (to us) we feel a need to reply or give a longer answer when the questioner may simply have been trying to come up with conversation IYSWIM

But I am quite tempted by a version of DrNotherner!!!

lissielouwithbunnyears Tue 14-Apr-09 16:42:29

i got so fed up with being asked this that i now give people a graphic breakdown of my obstetric history.

"ooh just one? isn't he lonely?"
"actually, no. nearly died trying to give him a sibling and think he would prefer to have his mum"

"do you not want more?"
"i would love more. in fact ive been pg 9 times since ds was born, lost them all. you see he was a crash cs - yes i was too posh to push after 3d of labour and he got wedged in my pelvis - i got a raging uterine infection which went undetected for a week by which point i was too weak to sit up unaided. have had 8 mc's and an ep, which again went undetected and ruptured my tube, during the op to remove the ep my bladder was cut (was misplaced during cs) and i was rushed back into theatre for emergancy op, nearly died and have since had every doc from here to liverpool peering up my fanjo, more dye in my uterus than a biro and nothing has been explained. however, if my body manages to pull itself together you will be the first to know"

and thats if im feeling charitable wink

Cicatrice Tue 14-Apr-09 16:49:10

I just say "No, I'm not having any more."

Only one person (other than family, sigh) has pursued it, further telling me that DS will be lonely etc.

If he's lonely I'll buy him a bloody dog. Being pregnant again would kill me.

MrsTittleMouse Tue 14-Apr-09 16:51:58

"wasted your chances" shock
Do these people ever stop to think that they've referring to your children?

lissielou

lissielouwithbunnyears Tue 14-Apr-09 16:58:45

i also sometimes reply "well Im ovulating today, we have had sex 5 times this week, doggy style so the sperm goes deeper then i raise my legs for 30 minutes. pretty sure we're not doing anything wrong, any tips? youre obv uber-fertile otherwise you wouldn't have commented!"

Gorionine Tue 14-Apr-09 17:13:43

People are never happy! If you have just the one they think that someting is "wrong" with you and if you have more than two you are generally refered to as either "completely mad", " very brave"or "a danger to the planet"
Lissielou, sad about your history .

I think in general they are just trying to start a conversation but do not realise that it is not exactly like talking about the weather and that sometimes (not in the case of choosing to have just 1)the subject is sensitive or even sore. Once the question is out both parties need to deal with the answer and I think most answers I read in the previous posts would make people think twice before asking again.

ladylush Tue 14-Apr-09 17:28:24

Lissielou - isn't it amazing how insensitive some people can beangry Particularly so when you have one dc - they seem to assume it will be a doddle to have another and therefore if you haven't got more than one then it must be because you don't want another or because you haven't got around to it yet hmm Sorry, amazingly long sentence.

Tbh, I used to respond by saying "Yes we'd love another when it happens" and if they continued probing I'd say "It's not for want of trying. Unfortunately we lost 4 babies". What I find interesting is how uncomfortable people look when you say that, yet they didn't for a minute consider the impact their questions may have had.

squeaver Tue 14-Apr-09 17:33:47

My answer is "no we're quite happy as we are".

squilly Tue 14-Apr-09 17:34:30

People just don't think. It's annoying as hell, but I probably asked people if they were planning on more when they just had one.

And it's a natural question to ask someone you just met 'you got kids then?' and I've had someone reel back their 'no, because of x, y and z fertility problems, so thanks for asking'. I felt awful. Especially as I'd just had mc2, so knew what she was going through to some degree.

It's hard. Most people don't mean anything offensive...some are too thick to take someone else's thoughts or feelings into consideration and some think that having one child is just plain wrong.

The fact that some of us with one child didn't chose to have things work out that way just doesn't occur to them. Neither does the fact that some people make considered and rational decisions about the size of their families and are very happy about it thank you very much.

I often wonder what life would have been like with lots, but hey...one was my lot and she makes up for all the losses.

I'm saddened to read about the degree of loss people have suffered on this thread. It makes me wonder when the NHS will actually start seeing MCs and fertility issues as being important. Cos they certainly don't prioritise them now!

BananaFruitBunny Tue 14-Apr-09 17:35:11

"Not until hell freezes over." is my usual reply.

Or "I have 2 already. A 4 yr old and a 39 yr old."

ladylush Tue 14-Apr-09 23:25:12

That's a good one banana grin

Squilly - I agree. Sadly, it is not a priority at all. When undergoing investigations for recurrent m/c I was astounded by the lack of uniformity in terms of investigation and treatment - even within London there is so much variation.

OracleInaCoracle Wed 15-Apr-09 08:17:26

it is infuriating. i have had about a gazillion blood tests, but as soon as they ruled out a clotting disorder they pretty much shrugged their shoulders. i am eligable for NK cell testing, but its not available on the NHS. cant afford to go private so we are stuck. im pretty sure that my probs lie in the uterine infection, but noones willing to take responsibilty for that!

ladylush Wed 15-Apr-09 09:36:38

Was your thyroid checked Lissie? Just wondered as I had to request it - sure enough was hypothyroid. I was knackered all the time but put it down to having a demanding job and an even more demanding ds.

OracleInaCoracle Wed 15-Apr-09 09:48:10

ll, yep, checked thyroid. the only test i havent had is the NK cells. they dismissed my queries about the GBS infection. still go back to cons on 18th may, so bring on the clomid!!

ShowOfHands Wed 15-Apr-09 09:55:32

I'm usually simple and to the point. The asker is usually just showing an interest, so a simple 'I'm not planning anymore' suffices in most situations.

People who are closer seem to be more rude/nosy and more likely to contradict me with an 'oh you don't mean that, just wait a few more months' at which point I quite firmly correct them. Only once has it gone beyond this when on holiday with my parents recently and they were giggling and pointing at me. I asked what they found so funny and they said 'oh we've worked it out, you're pregnant'. They explained that I'd seemed ill and out of sorts recently (had a chest infection) and was more forgetful/stressed than usual (dh's was in danger of being relocated and dd also had a chest infection so was up all night with her. They said 'we knew you couldn't resist'. I imploded. Proper shaking, slightly hysterical, mad woman in a cafe with people staring at me imploded. I can't remember what I said but I know I touched on how PTSD had ruined portions of dd's life and never, ever, ever would I do it again.

I genuinely don't think people realise what a loaded question it can be.

daisy99divine Wed 15-Apr-09 11:33:36

showofhands shock at your parents! did they not know how traumatised you had been sad

I agree that often people are very crassly trying to make conversation and I mind mostly for my lovely lovely DS - that he might feel he is insufficient somehow - I just say "we are happy as we are" and "our family is complete" because I also find people tend not to think 3 is a family....

Mind you, we are always expected to be the ones to travel to the Large Familes grin

ladylush Wed 15-Apr-09 18:48:07

daisy I think you have hit the nail on the head - many people don't feel that a family of 3 is complete.

ladylush Wed 15-Apr-09 18:48:53

Crap grammar - many people feel a family of 3 is incomplete. That's better blush

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