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In my heart of hearts I would probably love another....

(13 Posts)
Scampish Fri 12-Dec-08 10:05:37

After years of meeting all kinds of horrible men, I met someone who was just perfect and made me incredibly happy, the only but was he was 49 and I was 33, and he had 3 grown up children and wasn't really looking for anymore.

However as our relationship progressed he decided that he would love to have another child with me and he booked a vasectomy reversal, whih was horrible and painful. But 7 months later I was pregnant and we now have an adorable 6 month old baby, who is incredibly sweet natured and very easy, eg sleeps well, eats well etc.

In terms of any more children, I know that he really does not want another, he is worried about being older, and not getting to see her grow up and being there to be her Dad. Also financially we both have to work, and we just could not afford to lots of CM fees.

I realised at the very beginning that there would probably be some compromises due to age difference, and the ultimate one is I will have only one child. We have discussed it and agreed it, and I am quite open with my friends and family, and quite often get reactions such as "only one why", and none that are terribly supportive.

I do worry that one day I will get incredibly broody and maybe just resent that I can't have another baby, hopefully maybe I won't, but what if....?I think in my hearts of hearts I will. I'm worried it will affect our fantastic relationship.

Has anybody been through somehting similiar?

NotBigJustBolshy Fri 12-Dec-08 10:14:19

Sort of. Although I have 2 dcs, so maybe I shouldn't be on this thread. One dd from my first marriage and one ds from my second. I would have liked to have another one, but dh was 57 (!) when his one and only (but my 2nd) was born and we decided that we have to be happy with what we've got (although that doesn't stop me wishing we could fit another one in).

starbear Fri 12-Dec-08 22:46:09

My DH is now <counts on fingers> 52year and I'm errmmm! 46yrs < I've stop counting> Nobody before him made me happy we've been together 8 years. We don't have any children from previous relationships (that he knows of ha ha!) If we had got together sooner we would have like three children but it's not to be. I had a high chance of my lovely DS having Down Syndrome. He came out perfect. We risked two more pregnancies, but I lost them in the 9 & 10 week. I think I understand your DH. We worry that we will be a burden on him while he's still young. We will be retiring while he is only a teenager. I would love a brother or sister for him so he is not alone.
I am happy that I didn't have children with any of my previous partners, I love the fact that my DS looks like DH and me. I never wanted to have a divorce and I saw it on the cards with the others. I never want to be a step parent to anybody (My brothers and sister make me feel like a step mother at times)So this is my lot, I could have ended up with no DH and no children that would have sent me potty. So I'm happy with my life choices

aimeesmummy Sun 14-Dec-08 14:14:42

My Dad was 23 years older than my Mum, when I was born she was 24 and my Dad 47, they had another the next year and then a little accident, my baby sister, 10 years later - so my Dad was 57. My baby sister had a different relationship with my dad than we did as he was retired and able to be about more for her and run round after her, and my Mum went back to work fulltime. It can work having older parents.
I'm 39 and i know that's not old but I seem to be permanently single. DD is 7, i'd love love love the chance to do it all properly (she was unplanned with someone I'd not known long at all) and have another one but is one#s all that's in the pot for me,mm, I'm bloody lucky to have had her.

RebeccaX Sun 14-Dec-08 18:18:39

Scampish - you are with the "perfect" man who has made you "incredibly happy". He loves you so much that, despite having grown up kids, he underwent a vasectomy reversal to have a child with you - and she's fab. And you're worried that one day you'll resent him because you've not had a second child with him? How about deciding NOW that you won't risk spoiling what you've got by pining for something you might never have even if you ttc? Appreciate how lucky you are to have each other and your dd and get on with being a lovely family of three smile

BoccaDellaNativita Mon 15-Dec-08 10:05:00

Scampish - I am very much in the "count your blessings" camp. My husband and I are about the same age, so I haven't got any experience of the big age gap, but we needed IVF to conceive a baby which, in that way, is much like the vasectomy reversal - it was by no means certain to work and there was no guarantee we'd have a baby at the end of it.

A friend of mine is married to a man who has two grown up children from a previous relationship. They have one child together but he too says that he has raised three children now and just doesn't want to do it a fourth time. My friend was disappointed at that, as she'd have liked her child to have a sibling, but I don't see any other way out of that situation. I know it's not easy, but it is (I think) one of the consequences of getting together with someone who is already a parent. Does your child have a close relationship with your partner's older children?

I hope you can enjoy being a family of three.

elizabethsmum Thu 18-Dec-08 22:06:42


My Dh is 48 and i am 32. We have one DD- 2.10 yrs old. No children from previous relationships. For a long time Dh didn't want any DC's although obviously ended up with DD. i was really ill throughout the preg and there had lots of problems when DD was born and pretty much throughout the first year, which I found very traumatic.

Throughout the pregnancy I swore i would not go through it again and Dh has always been adament that he doesn't want anymore (much as we both love DD to bits of course).At times (especially wathing friens have their second babies...)I secretly yearn for another one but I am also realistic, I'm not sure i would cope with another difficult pregnancy and I also count my blessings that we have DD and she is healthy, so I suppose as it has always been in the back of my mind that she is likely to be an only, like others have said I count my blessings everyday that we have her.

Anyway jus to let you know that i know how you feel x

Takingitslowly Tue 13-Jan-09 10:53:33

Scampish, I really understand the worrying that later on you will really regret not having another.

Elizabethsmum, you have summed up exactly how I feel.

I've been deliberating on having a second child for quite a while now.

On a idealistic level, I would like another one. But deep down, I don't think I would cope at all. (Had horrible PND after prem delivery, didn't enjoy pregnancy either).

This little nagging doubt tells me that later in life I will regret not having another. But guess I'll just have to tell myself that I made the decision for all the right reasons at the time.

Glad to find this One Child section by the way. Haven't met anyone in RL with similar feelings to me on this subject.

cmotdibbler Tue 13-Jan-09 11:00:18

Hi Takingitslowly. If you want to chat with other mums of onlies, we have a tea room (it may seem more like a gin palace or cocktail bar at times) here

Takingitslowly Tue 13-Jan-09 11:08:22

Thanks a lot, yes I will pop in.

BoccaDellaVerita Tue 13-Jan-09 12:08:36

Gin palace or cocktail bar? What a slur!

<<Hastily dumps the empties in the recycling box and hopes the bin men will empty it before takingitslowly pops in.>>

elizabethsmum Tue 13-Jan-09 17:33:45

Hi takingitslowly it is nice to know that i am not alone in feeling like this as I also don't have any other RL friends in this situation.

ps will pop in for a cocktail latte sometime soon!

cmotdibbler Tue 13-Jan-09 19:56:36

Come see us ! We are insane very friendly, and even have a resident guinea pig

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