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I hate having one dc and have enormous regrets

(27 Posts)
quill Sat 29-Nov-08 15:06:08

I know that this post may make me look very foolish may get me some tellings off to be grateful for the one dc I do have.
However for the last 2 years or so I have hated having just the one dc and despite ttc for over a year its just not happening and I am getting all the more depressed about things.
I worry constantly about my only ds who is almost 8 that he is missing out and I beat myself up every day for letting him end up as an only.
My feelings on my ds being an only have got worse inthe last 6 months or so as I have gradually come to the realisation that I am probably not going to have anymore dc's.
I find everything about having an only a strain and a worry.
I worry that my ds is lonely and I do try and arrange for mates from school to come and play after school but I find it quite stressful to try and keep doing this as I find some parents not very forthcoming with the invite and my ds doesn,t get that many invites back.
I am quite a shy person myself and don,t have any mom friends to share days out with with our children.
Its always just been myself and my ds and I have always felt like a freak whenever I take him anywhere.
There are no cousins in the family that I can get my ds togeother with.
I always feel as though days out are not enjoyable for my ds and although I have taken the odd friend out with us its not always possible and I always feel bad for my ds on holidaySwith him been on his own and other children are running around having fun with their siblings etc.
I find that my ds holds back on many things that he would probably otherwise enjoy if he had a sibling to do them with.
Please don,t slate me for it but I also find it quite stressful as I find that with my ds being an only that he is always vowing for my attention to play a game with him etc although I don,t mind this sometimes at times I find his demands quite stressful and always feel guilty if I don,t do things with him.
Although I know that having more than one dc can be hard work I think that having just one is a challenge in itself and I have come to hate it despite the fact that I think the world of my ds.
Please am I the only one to feel like this or can anybody relate to what I say.

mumnosbest Sat 29-Nov-08 15:14:13

I can't say I understand how you feel as I have 2 DC's but remember when DS was 2 I was desperate for another for his sake as well as for us. I think there are pros and cons for both. With just 1 at least you'll never have to dvide your time and attention and there will be no arguments or resentment. Have you looked on your local MN, to see if there are any other mums like you to meet up with? My niece was an only child till she was 12 and she was never lonely or bored (or spoilt). If anything I think her nose was put out of joint a bit when her sister came along. She'd had her mum to herself for so long! If you really, really want another, how about considering adoption or fostering (maybe one closer in age to your own DC).

quill Sat 29-Nov-08 15:17:46

My dh will not hear of adoption he says it wouldn,t feel right as the child wouldn,t biologically be ours.
Me myself I would do it.

newgirl Sat 29-Nov-08 15:28:56

I honestly think you should stop worrying about it

even if you had another child there is no guarantee they would be good company for each other - they could be years apart, a girl, poorly etc - maybe they would be great friends but who could ever know?

if your son is really bored after school is he going to regular clubs like scouts/drama/swimming etc? at my dd school the kids that age are doing things 2-3 nights of the week so that would make it pretty hard to invite kids back to play, so perhaps you could find out what his best mates do and get him to join in?

quill Sat 29-Nov-08 15:32:46

I know newgirl I think a big part of the problem is me I just want another dc so much.
But that aside my ds is never interested in doing anything he will plead with me to not make him do clubs anything like that etc.
He did do scouts for a time but lost interest.

thenewme Sat 29-Nov-08 15:34:43

I know it probably won't help but 1 year of trying really isn't that long in the scheme of things and it doesn't mean you won't fall pregnant soon.

Of course an adopted child wouldn't be yours biologically but they would still be your child.

quill Sat 29-Nov-08 15:35:17

I think that I have gone into some sort of depression, and I am having problems thinking irrationally at the moment, and I just can,t seem to put things into perspective.

quill Sat 29-Nov-08 15:38:07

Its really stupid but if I could fall pregnant I am sure alot of these feelings would lift.
Its silly really as they wouldn,t be suitable playmates as the age gap would be far too big.

newgirl Sat 29-Nov-08 15:52:10

ah thats the truth of the matter! it sounds like your son is happy doing his thing but you are taken with the idea of another child. have you said that directly to your partner? ie not part of a discussion about your son and his needs?

if another child really isnt for your family, perhaps look at others ways you can help younger kids eg homestart? there are loads of kids out there who would love to have a caring person in their lives and you may find it wonderful

thenewme Sat 29-Nov-08 17:29:58

I don't think you should have another child for your child, I think it should only be because you as parents would like one.

wannaBe Sat 29-Nov-08 17:51:50

firstly, a year of ttc isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. Can I ask how old you are? If you've been ttc for a year then it's worth going to your gp to see if there's anything that is stopping you from conceiving.

Secondly, having another child now isn't going to be of benefit to your existing ds. You say he's 8 - if you fall pregnant now there will be a 9 year gap, and by the time the new baby is of an age where he can appreciate playing with a sibling/doing things as a family he'll be 3 or so by which time your existing ds will be of an age where he'd rather not be doing things with the family wink. Sorry but the playmate element is just not going to happen.

You need to get the idea out of your head that you're having another child for your ds - if you want another child then have one because you want one, but it's wrong to have another child for the existing one IMO - what if your existing child resents the new baby because it takes all the attention away from him; What if they hate each other? If you want another baby, then it has to be for you and no other reason.

And fwiw I can understand your dh's pov on adoption. I know that there are a lot of people that do it but adoption really isn't for everyone. It involves a lot of intrusion into your personal life, years and years of waiting to be matched with a child, and there are no guarantees - i.e. you would be unlikely to be able to adopt a baby, and would almost certainly end up with an older child that had signifficant emotional problems. These children need loving homes, and if you're not 100% committed to it then it's not for you, so it's best too admit that than go down the route with rose-tinted spectacles on iyswim.

GrimmaTheNome Sat 29-Nov-08 18:00:20

It does sound like the main problem here is that you are depressed. Have you sought any help yet?

I have one DD. We had trouble ttc so we knew that she'd probably be our one and only - but we were so glad we had her. You may hate having one DC at the moment but it'd be far worse to have none.

Try not to worry too much. I really don't think my DD misses out much by being an only, there are compensations too in terms of more time with me and DH. And this year - she's 9 now - she's starting to develop stronger friendships. I know what you mean about it being stressful when your DC wants you to play with them all the time, but believe me this will change - he is NOT going to be wanting you as constant playmate when he's a teen!

Podrick Sat 29-Nov-08 18:00:25

"I have always felt like a freak whenever I take him anywhere". That is so sad. I have one child but I love it, I never feel a freak because of it and I do not feel that overall she has missed out by not having a sibling. She has missed some things but there have been plenty of benefits too. My dd is 9 and has never ever wanted a sibling.

It sounds like this longing for another future child is impacting very negatively on your enjoyment of your life and of your son right now. Can you get any counselling to support you through this?

TsarChasm Sat 29-Nov-08 18:14:04

Don't be so hard on yourself if it's your ds you are worrying about.

When you are an only child you dont know what it'd be like to have siblings any more than those that do have them know what it would be like to be an only. And although you might wonder from time to time, it's not in a deprived woe is me way. That's if you ever even think of it at all, really. It's just what you know and who you are.

There are good and bad points to both situations. I know this for a fact. I was an only but I have 3dc. It's swings and roundabouts.

If your ds did scouts but lost interest maybe he quite likes his own company. I did and still do when I get the chance. In fact I get quite antsy if I don't get time alone regularly. Joining clubs would have been my idea of hell. I don't feel a social misfit because I don't enjoy organised stuff and crowds of people.

But quill it's you that's unhappy here really is it not?sad Does your dh know how unhappy you are? Do try to stop worrying about it all (I know it's hard once thoughts start badgering away at you) Maybe you need to explore the possibilites of having another dc and if it's not happening after some time take some action to move things along and see a doctor together. You would at least feel you were doing something positive and in your control rather than waiting and worrying.

treedelivery Sat 29-Nov-08 18:21:07

I'm an only child and I had a lovely childhood and it's filled with all the traditional memories and I don't feel different or like I've missed out.

May as well ask someone with a brother, don't they wish they had a sister? Your ds is happy with his normal life.

You on the other hand are putting yourself under dreadful strain, and ds would rather a light hearted happy mum than the coolest brother on earth.

So get this dealt with and move on - I'd have a tentative think about if some councelling or therapy would let you resolve these feelings?

TheNewsMongersGeansaiNollag Sat 29-Nov-08 18:28:34

I agree with treedelivery, I have a brother, but I didn't have a sister... never blamed my mtoher for that!!

You may end up with lots of grandchildren though. I have two friends who are only children and they both have had larger than average families.

GrimmaTheNome Sat 29-Nov-08 18:30:29

Just a thought - my DH was an only child as well, and he got a lot of companionship from his dog. So now, DD loves her dog. We did discuss whether she ever missed having a sibling, when one of her schoolfriend's mum was expecting, and after weighing things up decided she was better off with the dog!

May not be appropriate to your circumstances, but might be worth asking your DS if he'd like a pet.

treedelivery Sat 29-Nov-08 18:37:28

I married an only too. We're expecting dd2 in Jan, but considered having one. It's what we're used too and it feels natural to us.

BoccaDellaVerita Sat 29-Nov-08 20:41:20

Quill - I can relate to a lot of what you say. We always knew that our daughter would be an only child and I've spent time fretting that she would be short-changed because of that. But I've come to see that being an only child isn't a terrible handicap which has to be overcome or compensated for. She is happy, confident and sociable and has appointed three girls as her honorary sisters. I have several friends and cousins who are only children and they have never wished they had siblings.

I do hope that you will fall pregnant again but agree with others that your mood sounds very low. Would you find counselling helpful?

RebeccaX Sat 29-Nov-08 22:44:06

wannaBE wrote about adoption: "would almost certainly end up with an older child that had signifficant emotional problems". I'd like to know where she got her information that the child would have significant emotional problems?

BoccaDellaVerita Sat 29-Nov-08 22:56:08

Rebecca - I'm sure wannabe will be back later, but a lot of what I've read about adoption in the UK says something very similar: that relatively few babies are given up for adoption now and so children who are placed for adoption tend to be older and may - because of the difficult life circumstances which led to them being taken into care in the first place - have emotional or behavioural issues. That isn't to say that every adopted child will have these problems, or that it is their fault if they do, or that they can't be overcome with love, care and commitment.

wannaBe Sat 29-Nov-08 23:27:51

Rebecca there are very few babies up for adoption in this country now. Obviously babies do come up for adoption, but on the whole children available for adoption are older children who have been taken into care due to abuce or neglect and consequently it is considered the norm that older children who are being adopted will have signifficant emotional problems.

You only have to read the adoption board on here, and the responses to people's enquiries about whether they would be suitable to adopt, and all the comments point to you being more likely to be considered if you are prepared to adopt an older child, as older children are harder to find adoptive homes for.

Adoption is something people need to go into with an open mind. It really isn't about being handed a newborn baby and going home to live happily ever after. on the whole even babies who are adopted are babies who have been taken into care and who will likely have spent months in foster care before a decision is made on whether they can be returned to birth parents or put up for adoption.

Adoption is a fantastic way for so many people to become parents who otherwise would not have the chance. But it is not for everyone for many reasons, and to suggest otherwise is ve naive.

quill Sun 30-Nov-08 11:35:10

I am sorry I have not been on my own thread for a while but thank you for all of your responses.
Would just like to say that I do regret my ds not having a slibling close in age but I would also love to see him with a little brother or sister and see him take on the big brother role it breaks my heart not probably not ever see that.
I know some of you have mentioned that I should only have a child for myself and my dh and not just my ds and I can honestly say that I truly do want it for myself also.
This is why its so difficult for me to come to terms with because I have so many reasons for wanting it.
I am 38 which I think is not helping my mood as I know I don,t even have time on my side to overcome fertility problems.
I do think I need counselling but would feel ridiculous having it for this partucular problem.

twinsetandpearls Sun 30-Nov-08 11:52:57

I totally understand what you are going through, for a long time I pretended rather convincingly that I did not want more children as I was scared of PND happening again. I have managed to face my demons and would love nothing more but time is not on my side and I have had to accept there will never be another child an it is like a grieving process.

My dd is a similar age to your son so another sibling would not be a playmate for dd but she does have a step brother who is a baby and she adores but does not see very much of. She sobs whenever she returns from seeing her brother and I know she would love to have a brother in our family.

I do think that perhaps you need to focus on making life for the child you have wonderful rather than focussing on a child that may never be.

chocolatemummy Sun 30-Nov-08 12:00:29

the fact that you are getting so upset and stressed about it is almost certinaly going to affect your chances of concieving. It really is not the end of the world to have an only child but I do empathise with you and someof your concerns, i only have one child and she has just turned 5. I have only really considered having anothe rone in the last few months but I have just started my three year nurse training so its just not an optionl we are struggling to make ends meet as it is and I really want to get my registration. I will be 36 when i finish and the clock will be well and truely ticking but I figure either it will happen or it wont, atleast I am lucky enough to have my dd which is more than some!

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