What if you can only have one?

[mumtominx]

Frequent lurker but this is my first post and the new one child topic has given me somewhere to put it....!

Following an average pregnancy & birth everything went pear shaped and resulted in a hysterectomy. My dd is 2.2 and i am really ok with the fact that she will be an only, i am still here and that is the main thing!

So, what do i do now that everyone around me has there 2nd ds or dd or is pregnant?

I feel rather like i am p*ing on everyones parade when i'm in a group of people (some that would know what happened, some that wouldn't) and they are either pregnant or talking about next babies etc if i then come crashing in with a 'no, cant have any more' type statment, it does tend to end the conversation pretty quickly and i then feel terrible that i have made everyone feel awkward or even worse i get "poor you" type stuff which just makes me feel awful!

I am really not looking for anything constructive, i would just like to hear if this has happened to anyone else and how they have dealt with it?

[mumtominx]

Thanks

[notsoseriousanymore]

I have one son and though I'd love another, DH is adament... He already has two DDs.

So, I just say, I would, but it's not going to happen and get on with it...

I am so happy for all the second babies and would love another one myself, but it's not going to happen and that shouldn't make anyone else feel bad.....

I think if you make out like it's a positive decision then you won't get the same reaction.

[spookyrookie]

I'm afraid I don't know the right answer mumtominx.

DS is 2.6 and I have been ttc for over a year with no luck so far and for various boring reasons have just gone back on the pill so it certainly isn't going to happen over the next couple of months.

If people make remarks, I just try to move on to another topic or say that I don't know if I could cope with the sleepless nights or something like that, then discuss something else.

It's not easy and I think in this day and age most people should have enough awareness to realise that it might not be something that everyone feels comfortable discussing.

[mamainstripes]

My sil is in the same position. She had a hysterectomy 3 weeks after her dd was born earlier this year. I have been with her a few times when people have made comments about her having another and atm she just says something along the lines of 'one's enough for now'. I think it will get more awkward when her dd is older because of the expectation that most people will have 2 dcs with a 2-3 year gap. I am pg with my 3rd and I do feel guilty about it. I think that she has accepted that she will only have 1 but her dh hasn't.

[MaureenMLove]

I with you! I was in the same situation and although my only is 13 now, I still sometimes feel, that when the conversation turns to children and pg, I can't say, 'I can't have anymore', for fear of people then getting all on me!

There were times, when people who didn't know my situation said things like, 'oh go on! You've got to have another one!' but tbh, I just made a comment like, 'no thanks, one is quite enough for me' or no, you're OK, I'll leave it up to you' then quickly changed the subject!

If you can let the people that know, understand that you are totally fine with it, then they will respect that and probably not make too big a point of discussing subsquent babies with you, but equally you have to stop worrying about them feeling they can't discuss it in front of you, because they are only too aware of your situation.

When it comes to strangers, its up to you. Lie outrageously and say you can't stand kids really! That'll stop the conversation dead!

Your dd is still at an age, where people expect you to have another, but it won't be for long. Once she hits 5'ish, people will ask less and less, because they are more likely to consider you don't/can't have anymore, iyswim!

Jeez, I'm rambling! There's no easy answer tbh! I've been there, seen it, done it though, so you know you are not alone!

[mumtominx]

for you sil mamainstripes. Strangely it was easier in the early months, no-one is likely to start with the raised eyebrow look and nod at the stomach = code for 'when are you having the next one then' until at least a year has gone by!

[mumtominx]

Thankyou MaureenM, its actually really good to know i am not the only one. I mean, i know i cannot possibly be the only one but it's not exactly a conversation starter at a music group or play place is it !

[MaureenMLove]

No! But, this topic is exactly the right place to start it, discuss it and either laugh or cry about it! Looks like the one-child families topic is going to work, afterall!

[MadBadandDangerousToKnow]

Hello, mumtominx. What a thought-provoking post - this topic needs some more like this!

I was in a roughly similar situation, as we owe our daughter entirely to high-tech (and costly, although we paid happily) medical intervention and we knew there would be no more intervention and so no more babies.

After a while, I found it best to be pretty upfront. I used to say something like "huge medical problems ... miracle baby ... so lucky to have her". Most people would then congratulate me on having overcome the odds to have a baby and then we'd be back on an even keel.

I think if you can convey that you're content with your situation (although we all have the occasional wibble, I guess) then people probably won't feel as if you're raining on their parade. In fact, learning to be content with your lot is (in my view) the goal in all of this. Of course I did my share of raging against fate but I have taught myself to focus on what I have rather than what I don't. Time does help - my daughter's now 7 and I'm cruising towards 50 so the baby hunger is gone now.

[MaureenMLove]

I still get a few pangs of 'if only' but it is rather nice to know that I've got just the one teenager, that needs little adult supervision after school and my time is my time again, rather more sooner than my friends with 2 or more children!

[mumtominx]

Maybe i'm odd but i am not actually feeling any baby hunger, never really considered myself a baby person so i feel quite happy with my lot just wish i could get past being so worried about talking about it and spoiling people's happiness!

I'll get there eventually i'm sure! thankyou all for your lovely posts.

[MadBadandDangerousToKnow]

I'm a naturally perverse person. When we first started bonking for a baby, I used to worry in case I was pregnant. Then when we were told that our chances of a baby were slim to non-existent, the baby hunger arrived from nowhere. Having a baby sent it away again, but it popped back briefly when my little moppet was about a year old and it hit me that this really was a once in a lifetime experience. It soon went away again.

[spicemonster]

You shouldn't worry about spoiling other people's happiness!

It's difficult isn't it? Everyone just assumes you want/can have more than one child. I suppose it's the same as getting married and people asking about you starting a family.

I just smile and say 'no I don't think so'.

[DontCallMeBANG]

Approach 1 - "No, we're not planning on having any more, we're really happy as we are, just one is lovely", delivered with great happiness and gusto, but just a hint of steal under it. No chance of making people feel bad, but risks them not getting it and continuing to go on about how you 'must' have another.

Approach 2 - "Well, we can't have any more, but but anyway we're really happy as we are, not sure we'd be trying even if it were possible", said in an upbeat way. Does risk sympathetic noises, depending on which part of the message they focus on.

Approach 3 - "We can't have any more". Sometimes it's no bad thing to rain on people's parades. Maybe you shouldn't do this to hormonal pregnant women, but it might be a good one for random strangers. I have a friend who had multiple miscarriages before and after her DD, and it's always made me bristle to hear people going on about 'when you have another one' to her. People need to think.

(friend IS now in her second trimester with DD2, yay, happy ending )

[balismum]

I have one dd 2.11 and no luck in getting pg with no 2. I think its rude for people who aren't close enough to know the situation to ask and if people ask personal questions like that then you shouldn't feel responsible for how the truth makes them feel. Sorry if that sounds harsh...

[QOD]

I have 1 dd who is nearly 10 (10 SOB how did that happen?) and have therefore spent about 9 years avoiding the issue.......

I usually say we had a lot of trouble having her, I can't have anymore.

She is a surrogate baby

[LadyBabo]

Same here, dd is result of 5years of prodding by doctors etc and I just say that we can't have anymore, though to be honest age is a factor for me too. Dd is two and a half now and a proper little girl, not a toddler or baby, and the thought of starting all over again at 31 and having a baby at around 35+ when i've just started to get my life back... arggh! But I digress.

Only really had a probalem with one friend, who, although she knew our situation, insisted that I really did want another baby and went on and on, saying 'what if you did get pregnant' well I farkin well can't it's medically impossible you daft bint! Turned out it was more about her need to have another...

[mumtominx]

My goodness you were all up much later than me! Thank you for all your kind words and suggestions.

Spice, you are right everyone (well nearly everyone) assumes you can or want more than one, funniest thing is it would be have been exactly the sort of tactless thing i would have said before all this happened to me too!!

[balismum]

ladybabo is right though - its probably more their stuff than anything!!!

[zazen]

We are in the same pos as you MadBad - we had a miracle baby, with lots of medical intervention and three years ttcing - I had a very early misc before falling pg with our DD. people can't get over that I got over the Misc as easily as I did either, but for me it was a beacon of hope that I could actually get preggo.

Dd's an only, and I have been recommended to have a hysterectomy because of the botched cesarean section I had when giving birth to her.

I find it difficult to say they we are only having one, as people ask ALL the time don't they?

It's got to the stage where if I put on a few puunds everyone asks me when are you due.

I just hate the nosey presumption of people. Mostly I tell them that my Dh is having the next one.

I'm so glad to meet all of you!

[zazen]

We are in the same pos as you MadBad - we had a miracle baby, with lots of medical intervention and three years ttcing - I had a very early misc before falling pg with our DD. people can't get over that I got over the Misc as easily as I did either, but for me it was a beacon of hope that I could actually get preggo.

Dd's an only, and I have been recommended to have a hysterectomy because of the botched cesarean section I had when giving birth to her.

I find it difficult to say they we are only having one, as people ask ALL the time don't they?

It's got to the stage where if I put on a few pounds everyone asks me when are you due.

I just hate the nosey presumption of people. Mostly I tell them that my Dh is having the next one.

I'm so glad to meet all of you!

[zazen]

oops!
looks like I've had a sibling post!

[janeyd34]

Hiya

I have an only child due to secondary infertility and low ovarian reserve. I have endured 2 years of fertility treatment and am now doing my last treatment. I think once a child hits 3, there is less chance of questions. People realise the text book 2 yr gap has gone and it may be choice or fertility issues. Everyone eventually stops having babies. It is so hard, my heart goes out to you. We are now going for egg donation, it is our final chance, but I am getting used to being a family of 3.

i know it is corny, but time will pass and ease things. It is up to you who you disclose to. Take it day by day. People have to realise we arent all multi child families thru economics, relationship issues, medical reasons, fertility, and choice too.

Kind regards

J

[julesrose]

I was in the hairdressers the other day with dd5. Hairdresser asked me if I had any more children, 'no' I smiled cheerily as possible and changed the subject. 5 minutes later she asked me the same question again. I replied no again and then she turned to dd and said I bet you want a baby brother or sister don't you. I couldn't believe it!
What would you have said?