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Help me decide!!

(35 Posts)
Lilypie Fri 24-Oct-08 23:45:20

I have my beautiful DD who is 3.5 and my fab husband and we love our life, our house and jobs, in fact everything is lovely. We had pretty much decided to stay with one child but recently we've thrown the idea of having another baby into the melting pot to see what happens and I am SO CONFUSED!!!!!
I am self employed and very busy, I dont know if it would be fair to have another baby, I'm also loving that DD sleeps thru the night and we get good rest etc and the thought of starting it all over again fills me with dread. On the other hand I'm starting to feel quite broody and DD is asking about sisters / brothers / babies and I know she'd love to have a sibling. I would love to give her that gift. DH is very keen to go again. We live in Ireland where NO-ONE has only one child, so we are quite a novelty and people are quite confused by us. I'm really hoping to get some advice from someone whos been in my situation and made a decision one way or another, I'm completely head-wrecked thinking it all through!!!

MeMySonAndI Fri 24-Oct-08 23:56:02

I really don't know what to say. I only have one child, and was happy with my life, he is 5 yrs old, he is very clever and I enjoy our time together a lot. It seems someway as if all the hard work is now behind, at least for a few yrs so I wouldn't really thought that things would be better with another child in the picture, there would be more difficult for me (us, at the time) and we didn't know how DS was going to take it.

FWD a few months and I end up going out with this guy who had 2 children the same age as my DS. I have not seen DS so happy, the house was a mess but full of warmth, our weekends were full of nice interesting things to do and DS had someone to play with him (and fight with him) so he was having some time as a child rather than being inmersed in our adult world.

Now this guy and his children are no longer part of our life, and we miss how lively, lovely and happy the times were when they were here.

So, now that I had the two sides, albeit for a few months, I woudl say... go for it. You are unlikely to regret it.

DontKillMeBaby Sat 25-Oct-08 19:16:31

Do you WANT to?

Seriously, I could say many of the things you have - I'm pretty busy, but usually get to sleep through the night (yay), the thought of starting over fills me with dread, DD would probably be keen on having a sibling ('probably' because it's not a subject I raise, for obvious reasons). The difference though - I am SO not broody it's not true, and DH is not interested in having another either.

If I WANTED another child, rather than having odd pangs of 'oh god, maybe I should', I would do it (well, try anyway) regardless of everything else.

milliemayhem Sat 25-Oct-08 23:49:19

This is such a hard thread to reply to because only you can really know what to do, but i can give you my view. My DS is 5, have been with new partner for a year, he has no children and DP and DS idolise each other. We've thrown ' another one?' into contestations, cut at the mo we're so happy the way we are. I've saved all my baby stuff, and the only reason i'd have one is because i have it all in the loft! Not really a reason!People ask all the time (and make rude comments) about when we're having a friend

milliemayhem Sat 25-Oct-08 23:55:20

for DS (you may have to read other post first, doing this only mobi, sorry for spelling mistakes) We're so content at the moment. I do feel sad that DP may not have the chance to hold his own newborn, but he says he really doesn't mind. Being in this family is enough. Who knows, one day we may have a new arrival, but i'm happy for at least the next 4 years at least i reckon! Bugger other people and what they say about you and DS and your Only. But i do miss that newborn smell...!

Ripeberry Sun 26-Oct-08 00:07:57

Have a really good chat with your husband and things will happen as they are meant to.
My best friend always wanted a sibling for her daughter but he would NEVER let her and she hated him for it.

Zoezoezozo Fri 31-Oct-08 00:46:40

I'm in a similar situation, i.e. VERY CONFUSED. Not an hour passes when I don't think about it. We have the house, the jobs, the busy life and a DD nearly 4. DD was a clomid twin baby. I was thrilled when the doctor saw 2 babies during a 6 week scan as I always planned 2+, but by week 7, there was only 1. I got used to the idea pretty quickly because I knew I was going to have another anyway. Or so I thought. Even though she was good, life after a baby wasn't nearly as easy as I expected and the stress levels rocketed. When I spoke to my partner about trying for no. 2, he said 'no'. At 40 my personal deadline passed by. I got a better job thinking it was 'temporary' and he would change his mind. I'm now 41 and still waiting for a 'yes'.
In the meantime DD wants a baby sister more than anything else in the world. I've come to terms that there are lots of benefits to our life with just one child. It helps as where we live (Jersey) most of my friends have stopped at 1. One is quite normal here as life is SO expensive and stressful. My mind won't shut up on this and I dread going up to the attic and passing on DD's baby stuff that I've saved for her sister. If I were you I would go for it.... but I do understand your dilemma. Its hard when everything seems to be stacked in favour of sticking with 1. Good luck.

2babiesnow Fri 31-Oct-08 01:32:25

I so did not want to have my LO grow up on their own that I had another and I wish I had not. I was not thinking straight at all. They fight and do not like each other. We have no money and cannot do the things we could do with one. Not saying it would be like that for all parents. How many siblings do you know that do not speak to each other when grown up. Loads in my opinion. If you are happy with one child do not listen to anyone else. In my experience I wish I had not listened.

tartetatin Fri 31-Oct-08 05:32:03

How about looking at it from your DDs side. I don't know any singletons who are glad they didn't have a sibling. They all feel that there is something missing from their lives. I can see that being self-employed makes things more difficult, but we are all very busy in one way or another. You just adapt to your circumstances. If you DD asks in the future "why don't I have a sister/brother Mummy?" , "Well darling, I was very busy" will sound pretty lame.
The fact that you are confused would suggest to me that you are, at least subconsciously, quite keen. Otherwise, you would have been able to just dismiss the idea.
We all like sleep, but it's not a reason not to have another baby!

zoopas Sat 01-Nov-08 22:45:12

I have an 11 year old son, who is very happy and well-adjusted and we take care to have friends round often. The way I see it, after 3 miscarriages, I am lucky to have my son, some people aren't lucky enough to have one health baby! Also, not all siblings get on, albeit now or later in life (I've seen it on many occasions)! I like the fact that I'm not running round like a headless chicken at theme parks, etc.... We are a family of 3, simple as that and we are very happy. Just go with your instincts.... I don't care what people think or say because it's my life and you only get one! Go one-child families!!

dizzydixies Sat 01-Nov-08 22:51:17

my nephew is an only child, a spoiled (not spolit iyswim) child who has attention lavished on him by both sets of grandparents and his parents and yet apperently all he wants is a brother or sister like my dd has, she is the eldest of our 3

we are a family of 5 and it the nicest thing in the world seeing them interact with each other and knowing that when dh and I go they will have each other

I lost my mum recently and I couldn't have gotten through the last wee while without the help of my brother

on the flip side we won't be able to spoil them all and worry about how we'll fund them through uni/ buy them a car/ help with house deposits etc but to us family is more important and maybe one of them will be rich and famous winkgrin

its your choice and any child is a blessing - not an easy decision to make, good luck in whatever you decide smile

Mulanmum Mon 03-Nov-08 14:58:28

Don't be so sure your children will "have each other" when you and your DH die, dizzy.

And I know plenty of kids with siblings who are spoilt. My DH's nephew and niece are very spoilt and can't stand each other.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow Mon 03-Nov-08 19:11:29

Most of my cousins are (by coincidence) only children and one is married to someone who is one of seven siblings. She has always said that she never wanted a sibling while growing up and, having had plenty of opportunity to discuss it over the years with her husband, still doesn't.

dizzydixies Mon 03-Nov-08 20:01:17

nice mulan hmm

MadBadandDangerousToKnow Mon 03-Nov-08 20:55:03

Dizzy - mulan may have been a bit (ahem) blunt but her point is a valid one. There are plenty of examples - see some of the relationship threads - of adult siblings who are scarcely on speaking terms, let alone 'there for each other'. I am sure that you are raising your children to be loving and supportive, but there is no guarantee that adult siblings will always have a warm relationship (or any sort of relationship at all).

MadBadandDangerousToKnow Mon 03-Nov-08 20:55:57

Dizzy - mulan may have been a bit (ahem) blunt but her point is a valid one. There are plenty of examples - see some of the relationship threads - of adult siblings who are scarcely on speaking terms, let alone 'there for each other'. I am sure that you are raising your children to be loving and supportive, but there is no guarantee that adult siblings will always have a warm relationship (or any sort of relationship at all).

MadBadandDangerousToKnow Mon 03-Nov-08 21:12:53

blush at double posting

LittleMonkeysMummyIsASparkler Mon 03-Nov-08 21:16:41

Me and my brother fought like cat and dog when we were children (there's 7 years between us and it was just soooooo annoying having hanging around all the time - didn't help that he had ADHD and was a bloody nightmare!!)

However, now we are the best of friends and speak every day (am sad at the moment as his job has just moved him to Norway) I can hinestly say that he is my best friend and we tell each other everything.

I love being the big sister and hopefully someday my DD will be a big sister too.

It's not for everyone and whatever you decide will be the best thing for your family.

Liffey Mon 03-Nov-08 21:18:34

It sounds as though you might regret NOT having another.

But nobody ever regrets HAVING another. I mean, can be hard. But I don't think anybody lies on their death bed and says "oooh should have had FEWER children". Within reason. Maybe if they had 14 children they might!

My brother is terrific now. We weren't friends as children though. We fought, but he's a good person and we would never fall out. I think if you bring your children up in a family where petty grievances aren't 'fanned' then grown up children will value their relationships over money/ego whatever.

Liffey Mon 03-Nov-08 21:24:55

ps I agree with Zoopas and ZoeZoe, there is an absolutely HUGE difference between no children and one child. FAR far far greater than the difference between ond and two.
Didn't mean to suggest that one child families had 'one missing'.

I just think that it's more frustrating to eventually regret something you chose not to do, than to regret something you DID do.

Hope this makes sense!

EachPeachPearMum Mon 03-Nov-08 21:25:34

I was always only going to have one child- am eldest of 4, and hated it... always wanted to be an only. We fought all the time as children, but unlike littlemonkeys we do not have a relationship as adults sad (though- freakily one of my brothers lives in Norway for work shock)
DD (2.9) however has really pulled the wool over opened my eyes, and we decided to go for No2.

I knew I was pg immediately- just felt that flow of hormones, and was so confused, as it happened really quickly- think 1st time shock Had we done the right thing? How was DD going to cope/react? Did I really want another child? How were we going to cope? etc etc.

I lost the pg though, and the m/c really brought home to me just how much actually that 2nd child was wanted. That was the clincher.

A month later we went for it again... am now 29 weeks pg, and we are just as excited about this one as our first smile

That is just our family though- only you know whether it's right for you. Hope you can resolve this.

Mulanmum Tue 04-Nov-08 06:09:28

Wasn't being a bit (ahem) blunt at all, MadBad. I don't appreciate the smug implication that kids with sibs will have support when their parents croak, whilst onlies will be left wondering the earth as sad orphans wailing and alone without the comfort and comradeship of brothers and sisters. It's nonsense and I speak as 1 of 4 sibs who had lost both our parents by a relatively young age.

My advice to anyone is only have another child if that's what you and DH/DP want. Don't do it as a "gift" for your child, it's not fair on them or the new baby.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow Tue 04-Nov-08 09:36:01

Sorry, Mulan, if I have hurt your feelings. I agree completely with the point you are making but have to admit I too was a bit hmm at the expression 'when you and your DH die'. I'm one of those timid people who tends to beat around the bush a bit more. Anyway, as I said, I do think it's true that having a sibling is very definitely not a guarantee of having a lifelong friend and nor is it guaranteed that only children will be friendless and bereft once their parents are no longer here.

dizzydixies Tue 04-Nov-08 12:17:01

and now I'm smug hmm, nice - shall take better care in offering up my personal opinion in future, especially one where I stated cased for both sides of the topic hmm

PuzzleRocks Tue 04-Nov-08 13:50:28

Go for it Lilypie. I am one of five and love being part of a gang. Between myself and my brothers and sisters we have many friends who are onlies and they often preferred spending time in our chaotic house, particularly at Christmas. Of course there are plenty of adult onlies who are happy to be so, but I have never met any.

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