Hi everyone,
I need to get something out, and if anyone has any thoughts, I'd love to hear them.
Some context: My parents had me late - my mother had 2 children from her first marriage, my father had none. They were in their 40s. I was an unplanned surprise, and with a 15 year gap between me and my half-siblings, I was raised as an only.
My parents divorced when I was 14. My father is a very difficult man and we have a fraught relationship. My half siblings have nothing to do with him, so it's just me. He is financially unstable, emotionally manipulative and I find him very challenging. I have often said I wished I had siblings to 'share' him with.
I am close with my half siblings, but their children are older and they do not live nearby.
Now, aged 34, I have one DD aged 3. I have a wonderful DH and I love my family, but I never wanted DD to be an only, based on my experience as an adult only with my own father.
This year, I've had one miscarriage at 13 weeks and more recently a termination for medical reasons after our son was diagnosed with Patau Syndrome and given a prognosis of 3 days. We are currently having genetic counselling.
DH feels the emotional turmoil is too much to risk trying again, and I don't feel that adoption is the right choice for our family, but I am panic stricken about DD being an only. I'm probably being disproportionate about it, but feel completely trapped and like there is no action I take to make this better.
We are engaged and loving parents, with the emotional and practical resources to give her an objectively brilliant childhood, and know we can take practical steps to protect her from some of the financial and organisational burden I feel regarding my Dad, but emotionally, I cannot bear the thought of her being alone as an adult.
How do I process this?
Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.
One-child families
An only with an only, thinking about the future...
AtLeast · 12/04/2021 11:32
Oh gosh, I'm not sure of the answer to this and someone wiser will come along but ultimately you are not your father. You have learned from your experiences (albeit the same experiences that have created this worry!) and know you and your husband have the ability to protect your daughter from what you went/are going though.
I'm an only, from two only parents (now both deceased) with an only. I can't provide my DD2 with a sibling (she was IVF) and some days feel very envious of others/guilty. I don't know anyone else like me who has so little family but I just have to concentrate on what I have do have and for that I'm incredibly grateful.
I cannot bear the thought of her being alone as an adult
You cannot future proof your DD's adult life with or without siblings. You can raise her to be a strong, independent young woman who goes off into the world determined to make a good life for herself because her parents have instilled in her self esteem and self reliance.
No parent can control the relationship adult siblings have and if you haven't had any or your relationship isn't what you long for, it's easy to idealise siblings and the supportive role they might play.
So, I'd suggest you and your husband give yourselves sometime to grief your bereavement, enjoy your little girl and at a later date you can decide if you want to try for another child because you'd love to have more children and not because you feel obliged to provide a sibling. And trust your DD to embrace life and build a network of friends and maybe her own family one day.
I have an only. She's 16 now and has weathered lockdown admirably because, whilst she's a sociable person with good friendships, she is also content in her own company and has inner resources to draw upon.
The greatest gift you can give a person is a secure, loving childhood where they feel confident to take risks.
Best of luck
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.