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Never being able to have a second child grief

(7 Posts)
Lubud1 Mon 25-Nov-19 14:28:38

I’m a very natural maternal person and always imagined myself with 3/4 children. I was an only child growing up and although it never bothered me at the time , i do feel very lonely now I’m an adult.
I have unexplained fertility issues which resulted in me and my partner having ivf. We were incredibly lucky and despite the odds we had one healthy child from
Our first funded round.
We have recently paid for a private round which unfortunately failed. The feedback from the clinic was that my eggs are not good quality, there is nothing that can be done to rectify this and we’re surpprised it worked for us previously and that they would not recommend another round for us. (Both procedures were at same clinic)
I feel so selfish as I know we have our child who we both adore but I can’t help but feel incredibly sad and unable to come to terms with never having another child and being able to provide the one we have with a sibling.
I feel like I am grieving and that a part of me is going to be incomplete. I would like to try again but my partner has said no, he feels that our lives are on hold and the financial and emotional pressure is too much.
I know some people are unable to conceive any children and I deeply empathise with this and cannot imagine what that must be like so I do count my blessing every day however I really do not know how I will come to terms with this. I feel as though I have failed my child in a way

Emmapeeler1 Mon 25-Nov-19 14:35:19

I don’t think you have failed your child at all. I do have two DC but I frequently feel unable to meet the needs of both and that I am failing them for that reason. My niece is an only child and her parents have more time for her and they go on some great adventures together with more spontaneity than I can. I don’t think if thinking about the future and all the fun you can have with your child (and how happy it will make them to have you to themselves) would help.

As an aside I suppose you have ruled out a donor egg? A friend of a friend did this for her first child (then conceived naturally afterwards, complete shock). I can’t pretend to understand all the issues and factors though and imagine it’s been a very difficult road for you both.

AlexaShutUp Mon 25-Nov-19 14:40:42

You haven't failed your child.

I wanted two dc but it wasn't meant to be. As things have turned out, I think dd (14) benefits enormously from being an only child. There are so many positives.

Having a sibling can be wonderful but it can also be awful.There are no guarantees about how things might turn out. I get on ok with my sister but we are not close and don't see each other that often. I don't get any help at all with my ageing parents as she doesn't live near enough and she is too busy with her own priorities.

If you are lonely, can you do something to build up a supportive network of friends? Remember that having a sibling might not make you any less lonely. Mine makes absolutely no difference to me at all in my day to day life.

Your ds will be fine on his own. Just ensure that he has plenty of contact with friends as he is growing up. Allow yourself to grieve for the loss of the big family that you once imagined, but don't project your sadness on to him. And try to focus on the many benefits of only having one.

LBTM Mon 25-Nov-19 14:45:08

Be gentle with yourself - you have every right too grieve for the child you won't have and the family you hoped for, even if you do have one child. And it's made worse by feeling like you can't talk to people about it or knowing that no one knows what you're going through. Give yourself time, and find help if you need it.

onthecoins Mon 25-Nov-19 14:46:09

I'm an only child. It's absolutely fine. Several of my friends are NC with their siblings or don't get on with them at all. Having multiples isn't a guarantee that a child will be happy to have siblings or have a good relationship with them. I never questioned whether I had an issue with it at all as a child.

GrumpyHoonMain Mon 25-Nov-19 14:49:06

How did the clinic come to the conclusion that it’s your egg quality OP? Egg quality issues tend to be the most responsive to treatment even if you don’t have age on your side this surprises me a little. Did they do other tests to ensure it wasn’t an implantation problem too?

Lubud1 Mon 25-Nov-19 15:02:39

Thank you all. I’m typically a strong person but this has really rocked me and I feel the deep sadness I did when we were struggling to conceive before our child.
I know the positives and the effect these have on my child and also know that there would be no guarantee later in life they would be close, but it hoe stay doesn’t make this easier.
Being a mother is genuinely the only thing I’m really good at and the only thing that gives me total joy in my life. I have a career and work and do have have friends but nothing compares or comes close to motherhood for me.
@grumpyhoonmain we have high number of embryos which fertilise abnormally and they do not know the reason for. With ivf we had 9 out of 11 which fertilised abnormally and with icsi there was 5 out of 13. We literally had one egg suitable out of each round. The clinic said they had never experienced 9 abnormally out of one cycle before. I am early 30’s partner is later 30’s. We had to borrow half the money for the cycle and partner doesn’t want to put this pressure on us for a further round when there are no guarantees and says it will have an effect on child’s future. All of this I do agree with but cannot find a way to feel better or come to terms with.

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