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Is it normal to be really ok with a decision, while second guessing it too?!

(8 Posts)
LOALM Thu 03-Oct-19 13:07:12

Bit of background. DH and I have one DS, who is 5yo. We had always planned to have two (or more), however struggled to conceive and have had a few MCs. First was a MMC (prior to DS) after TTC for 6m. DS conceived after TTC for 6m. Third and fourth pregnancies (after DS) both resulted in MC (early), after TTC for about 7/8 months each time. On top of our issues conceiving, our DS was born with a congenital, life threatening illness (after a completely normal, healthy and very enjoyable pregnancy) for which he needed several operations and a liver transplant as a baby. So it's safe to say that our journey since deciding to start our family has been hard.

DH and I have recently made the decision to stop trying for another. There are so many reasons that this is the best thing for us individually, and for our family unit - what if DS becomes poorly again and we have to spend another 3m or longer in a hospital over 2 hours away with a young baby to consider; what if we had another seriously ill baby - how would DS (and us) cope; how do I cope mentally with more limbo and potential loss and heartbreak (on top of me no longer believing my body is truly capable of carrying a healthy child); how would I cope if we did conceive again and we did lose it; at what stage would I be able to believe that the pregnancy was viable and the baby would be ok - the list goes on.

On top of that, whilst we always imagined having more children, we are all happy, and our family unit really works - so why rock the boat given all of the above?! We know we are incredibly lucky to have DS. His health is now being very well managed, he is at school and is a real treasure. He is happy, loving and very sociable. Neither DH or I feel like there is something 'missing' from our little triangle.

Since making this decision, I feel a bit like a weight has been lifted, in that we can move on and really focus on the positives that having an only child brings. But, at the same time I am second guessing myself a little about it. My major worry is whether I'll regret it later on down the line, and whether DS will resent us down the line for stopping (he asks for a brother or sister, and it breaks my heart).

I'm sure this is a really normal way to feel... I guess I'm just after some reassurance that DS will be ok as an only child, that letting my head rule more over my heart is the right thing to do, given our circumstances. Thank you.

BooseysMom Fri 04-Oct-19 20:59:56

@LOALM.. Firstly i want to say sorry for the losses you have suffered and the trauma with your DS's health. You have been thru a hell of a lot and need to heal. Then i wanted to say that as you say yourself, it's normal to feel doubts about your decision.. But that DS will be fine. It's great that his health is now being managed. I also have a DS the same age and had 2 early mcs before he was conceived. We tried for another but it never happened prob as i was nearly 41 and it was just too late. It took ages to accept we would only have one but now i have to say that like you, we have a lovely triangle of a family and don't feel there's something missing. Maybe if you have time on your side you may feel like trying again one day but if not i hope you will be happy and at peace. Wishing you all the best x

LOALM Mon 07-Oct-19 12:53:02

@BooseysMom thank you so much for your reply. Sorry to hear you have had a tough time with it as well. I hope so too x

Ariela Mon 07-Oct-19 13:08:28

Sorry you had such a difficult time. We too had loads of MC so DD is an only one. I sometimes worry she is a spoilt, entitled brat for having no siblings & not having to share stuff, but it's pretty OK really, we'd have struggled for space (small house) needed a bigger car and DD wouldn't have had so many opportunities in life generally, so we count our blessings.

LOALM Tue 08-Oct-19 10:14:31

@Ariela sometimes it's just meant to be isn't it... I'm trying to have a 'que sera sera' attitude which I'm sure will come with time smile

BooseysMom Tue 08-Oct-19 14:28:58

@LOALM.. ah I'm glad you got my msg! Thanks v. much for yours back smile My suffering was nothing compared to what you have been thru with your precious DS and i'm glad he's doing so well now smile

@Ariela wrote..
we'd have struggled for space (small house) needed a bigger car and DD wouldn't have had so many opportunities in life generally, so we count our blessings.

This is exactly it, Ariela. We are in exactly the same boat, plus I'm def too old at 47! Someone has just posted on mn to say will they be too old to have a baby at 34?! ..34?! Oh please! I had DS at 41!hmm

whysh Mon 14-Oct-19 18:58:41

I am just coming to terms with this

I wanted two but realised too late ( I'm 42)

I just tried for another but suffered an ectopic for which I had emergency surgery

I really don't think it would be wise to try again and my ds is nearly 7 but I now realise that I really want to have another child in our future but I've left it too late

I don't think we will take the risk and I think that's the right decision but I'm pretty sad about it all...

BooseysMom Tue 15-Oct-19 21:14:58

@whysh.. it's so hard isn't it? I just wanted to say you're not alone. The older i get the harder it gets and i can't stop beating myself up over it as in i could have tried harder but then we were in a horrible damp rented house with no chance of escape so the time was never right and it was a miracle we even had DS there!
Sorry to hear of your ectopic pregnancy. When i was 42 my periods had returned after having DS at 41. There was my window to really try for another and it never happened. I'm 47 now and can't believe that time has just flown by. DS is nearly six and has never expressed any interest in having a sibling which makes things easier. There's no way i could have another now anyway. I feel exhausted all the time!
But anyway yes, it's a hard door to close
Good luck x

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