He won't have another....(7 Posts)
I really need some advice on how to move on from not having a second baby?
I know they say times a great healer but it's been months now and I still feel incredibly sad and just cannot seem to move on from this. On top of this I also feel incredibly guilty for feeling like I'm not appreciating what I do have (mum guilt is mental!).
So as the title thread reads my OH has decided that he doesn't want to have anymore children. We currently have a DD who is 2 and totally amazing. But as with most first time parents we've had our struggles, our arguments, our point scoring days. Of course becoming a parent is tough and the sleepless nights make us crazy but ultimately being a parent is amazing and no hardship can out way the joys you feel raising a child. Now I'm not saying he doesn't feel this way but it certainly hasn't made him want another. When we spoke about baby no2 his words were "I couldnt think of anything worse then going back to the baby stage". Which I must add devastated me.
I know his not wrong to feel the way he does and I don't want to end my relationship due to this fact (well not at this present time) But I just can't seem to shake this awful sadness I feel knowing I'm not going to experience it all again. Has anyone been in this situation? How did you move forward??
Currently in this situation, he doesn't want any more, won't even let me talk about having another and i would absolutely love another. No advice but a hand hold x
JustLikeJasper so sorry to hear you're going through the same thing. It's awful isn't it. Xx
I know this isn’t really very helpful but you need to explain to your DH the realities of having an only child and how much of it will fall on your shoulders.
DH and I have DS 10. We couldn’t have anymore due to my own health reasons.
The amount of energy and effort it takes to keep DS entertained and occupied is exhausting and as the mum, it falls to me (as I work part time).
You have to encourage friendships, organise play dates, invite school friends on trips out.
When you’re on holiday you are your child’s play mate. You’ve got to be prepared to get up and muck in.
Is your DH up for all that or will it fall solely to you?
I don’t this it’s fair for him to say no to anymore if he’s not then going to put the effort in to ensure your child has an active social life.
From my experience the baby days are worth the pay off for a built in play mate.
Having said all that, if he won’t budge then your dc will be fine. My DS is fantastic and hasn’t missed having a sibling at all.
All the best.
Great advice from Birdie.
I am the mum of a 12 year old girl and have spent many years trying to come to terms with having the one child. Initially DH and I were aligned in not wanting another as the first year was super hard - on top of the usual sleepless nights, she was in and out of hospital with a range of things and we felt that we didn't have the strength - physically and emotionally - to do it again. However, as time passed, and particularly by the time she was around 4, I wanted another. DH hadn't changed his mind and for the sake of our relationship I concurred. He had also been suffering from depression so throwing a newborn into the mix didn't seem like a great idea. However, a couple of years later the longing became like a pressure cooker and we had a very difficult conversation about me not being done and in this decision, one of us would always have to compromise. I was frightened about resenting him and our relationship being damaged. So he agreed to one round of IVF (a change in circumstances since our daughter) and unfortunately it didn't work. I grieved for about 2 to 3 years after, whilst trying my hardest to fully appreciate the beautiful daughter I have and ensuring she remained happy and healthy.
In the main, it works and I am super grateful. There are still tough days - I get triggered particularly when someone else gets pregnant that I know or when I see three or four child families (my inner voice telling me that it's not fair other people have it easy!). Recently DD started secondary school and she had a difficult transition - those days I was really glad to only have one as I honestly wouldn't know how I could cope with more having issues at the same time. So we'll carry on cherishing the DD we have, spending time together, ensuring playdates are arranged and holidaying with friends.
Not sure if all that is at all helpful to you. Final words - when life with our DD or DS is good, it's natural to long for another. When life is tough, the pain of living without another child is much easier! Whatever you decide, I wish you luck, x
All those things Birdie said about a Sibling being a playmate can't possibly be guaranteed for a variety of reasons. Takes a while to conceive and a large age gap? Completely different interests and temperaments?
You may be doing all those things, like keeping them entertained, with two children as they don't get on? The second child may have medical or special needs which means they aren't this idealised playmates day puts further pressure on you as a family and a parent.
We have one child by choice so can't comment on the difference in opinion between you but don't have another child just for your first childhood have someone to play with.
In my experience having a sibling is overrated. My brother and I are completely different people and have never got along. We fought like cat and dog as kids and as adults we barely speak. My brother is the youngest and has caused a lifetime of stress and worry for my parents. He had behavioural problems as a kid and now serious mental health issues as adult. He’s also suffered from various forms of addiction. My parents still love him and support him, of course. But my mum has been incredibly honest with me (myself a new mum) and said if she’d of known then what she knows now she’s not sure she would of had him. She’s not discouraged me from having more children but she has pointed out that it doesn’t always make life better or easier. It must be incredibly hard when someone makes the decision for you. But if you already have a happy family life maybe that could be enough. I have an aunt who only had one and 30 odd years later it still upsets her that she never had more. I think only you as an individual know the importance of having another child, and wether it’s worth jeopardising your relationship with your partner.
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