A second child after traumatic first birth?

[Nicecupofcoco]

Hi all,
I had my first ds September 2017, I felt like everything that could go wrong did do, I had to be induced due to reduced movements at 39 weeks, baby was back to back and I had an epidural for the pain, I had a 24 hour labour, and needed ventouse and forceps, managed to get him out on third attempt as they were about to take me for section. The pain was immense even with the epidural and felt my self tear from front to back. (3rd degree) then pph and lost 1.5 litres had to be rushed to theatre for surgery. I have no memory of holding ds when I was finally out of surgery and he was about 8 hours old by the time I had my first cuddle with him.
It turns out I was also anemic, which they had missed during my pregnancy, so needed two blood transfusions before I could go home and a prescription of iron tablets.
I'm an anxious person anyway and felt like I never wanted to put myself through it again, dh agreed.
Almost two years later and I struggle to think of ds as an only, I always pictured two? Although I'm greatful each and every day for one healthy boy!
Now we have started talking about a possible second, but how on earth do you make that decision?
I worry my anxiety would be bad having a second, dreading the Labour? Feel like it would be nine months of hell! Plus I'd have no idea if to try for a second natural birth or a section this time?
I know some people have much worse labour's but I really felt lucky to get through it last time. I feel like I'd almost be pushing it too much to even consider it again?
Sorry to ramble.
Just wondered if anyone had been in a similar position, how did you make the decision?
Thanks.

[Oly4]

Hello, my first birth was similar to yours and I’ve had two more kids, far less traumatic births! I’ve always thought that a lot of burgess can be traumatic, my case certainly doesn’t seem that unusual when you start asking around. Have you thought about maybe some counselling to help you process it all?
Nothing would have stopped me having more children. The most recent two births still had complications and issues - that’s just my body giving birth it seems! But don’t let it put you off. The NHS is amazing and you are in good hands

[Oly4]

Births not burgess.. sorry for typo

[Sexnotgender]

My first birth was an absolute shit show.

Second birth (albeit 15 years later as I never thought I’d do it again) was totally different. I used hypnobirthing and my labour was 3.5 hours from first twinge to baby out. My second stage was 4 minutes. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

[Nicecupofcoco]

Thank you oly4. I hadn't considered councilling, definitely something to look in to.
I really feel like my anxiety stops me doing so much already, I don't want it to prevent me having a second child too. I have had therapy for it,and it's actually improved, it's just the bigger things I seem to over think and can't reach a decision.
Brilliant to hear that your other births weren't too traumatic. Did you opt for natural delivery second time around?

[Nicecupofcoco]

Thank you sexnotgender.
I have thought about the hypnobirthing courses, great to hear it helped you!

[Copperbeaches]

Hi
I had a traumatic birth full placenta eruption and we we're lucky our ds survived
I've decided not to have any more one reason being I think it's too risky as more likely to happen again and I couldn't go through that another time . But also I'm very happy with just one and don't want anymore ,I doubt if I had a more normal birth I would have another one anyway so that has made the decision easier for us .
If I really wanted more I guess I would consider it but would have to take it through loads with docters and midwife's first so I was prepared for what would happen ,I would ask def get some counselling too . Think the more you can talk it through with professional the better as they would be used to people having more after such births .

[Nicecupofcoco]

Thank you copperbeaches.
I think next step for me is to talk it through with Councillor.
Thank you all for your input.

[Babdoc]

I’m not surprised you dread a repeat after such a traumatic experience, OP. Would you feel less stressed if you booked an elective C section, so no labour at all and no risk of third degree tears again?

[catinboots99]

When I went in to have my second, after a terrible terrible first birth, I was sobbing with fear as they checked me in.

Lovely old midwife patted me and said - "don't worry dear, nobody has to have their first baby twice"

So true

[Nicecupofcoco]

Thank you babdoc, yeah I think so, I was close to having to have a section last time, so part of me thinks, go straight for the section, but I know that isn't the easy route and can have its own complications!
Aaagh! I do dither about things, even when I think I've made up my mind I'd probably talk myself out of it! If only we could have the baby without the labour first eh?
That's so true catinboots! They do say no two labour's are the same.

[snackarella]

I had a similar experience and my DD was born by emergency c section not breathing after a failed venteuse and forceps, she had to be resuscitated and in special care. Also with a talipes.
Anyway before I got pregnant again I made an appt with the senior midwife at the hosp and they go through your notes and try and discuss why it all happened and go through it all and it made me feel a lot better.
I did end up having an elective c section this time as I was so scared.
It's usually an option if you've had a traumatic birth

[Fraggling]

I had a shit birth dc1 had emcs

Second was planned cs it was a walk in the park.

That option is or should be open to you if you want to explore it.

[ChubbyMummy12]

My birth with my first was very very similar, with my second they put me on a drip throughout labour to help prevent a hemorrhage and it worked! I went in at 14.30 and she was here at 17.55, all natural, no major interventions (just a clip on her head) and just gas and air.

[Starlive23]

Ask for a c section OP, you will be a bag of nerves, so take that worry out. That being said, recovery from a c section is very tough and not without its own problems and risks but it sounds like you went through a nightmare and in all honesty it's going to really worry you during pregnancy, understandably.

[Nicecupofcoco]

Thank you snackarella, how awful for you! Hope your lo is OK now?
Thank you all so much, feel loads better knowing that a section should be offered if I decide to go down that route.

[MammaMia19]

My dd nearly died after a failed 2 day induction and I had to have a crash c section, then it come open. I was certain I was never doing it again. I won’t go into the details but the whole thing was horrific and traumatising.
5 years later I decided to brave it again. I insisted on a c section being booked but said I would give labour a go IF I went into labour naturally with no interventions. I specifically wrote a letter saying I do not consent to any form of induction, understood the risks but I want a c section booked. Eventually they agreed after much arguing.
C section booked, at 38 weeks my waters went and they said straight away they would do my section. I said I’d try naturally as it was only the induction that caused the problems last time. Waters went after midnight, dilated 10cm by 10am and he was born after 2. Just had gas and air and a few stitches as he turned his shoulder on the way out. The experience was completely different to my first and actually healed a lot of mental scars from the first experience. The consultant regularly checked on me during labour and even did my stitches. I was back on the school run after the weekend.
If it was just the induction that caused the problems the first time I really recommend getting a c section booked but if it happens naturally give it a go.

[Nicecupofcoco]

Thank you MammaMia!
It's tough isn't it, I spend so much time thinking of everything that could go wrong? I need to be more positive and think that next time could be completely different.
I'm glad you had a better experience second time round.

[Her0utdoors]

Have a look online for the Birth Trauma Association OP, they will be able to support you.

[Myshoesarenew]

Another here with a first birth that was an absolute shit show and a second that was a textbook popping a baby out in a pool. They couldn’t have been more different. The only real difference is that I was in charge of my second. Refused induction for ‘failure to progress’ - I think I’m just slow - and all was well. A hugely healing experience for me. I’d do it again I just don’t want 3 children!

[MammaMia19]

Yes I spent the whole time worrying. But this time I did so much research and anytime I was slightly unhappy I put my foot down! You should be high risk/consultant lead because of your first birth and inform them about the first birth so they can get the notes and review what happened

[Nicecupofcoco]

Thank you all!
MammaMia that's good to know!
HerOutDoors brilliant thank you, will look that up!

[iamtinkabella]

I had a horrible birth with my DD and really am always thinking if i will ever have the guts to have another baby after how awful her birth was. No advice.. sorry! Just wanted to say i can understand hos you feel

[iamtinkabella]

how*

[Luckingfovely]

I think counselling would really help you. Like so many other pps, my first was terribly traumatic, and both my baby and I nearly didn't make it. But - with the second I had a planned c-section, and it was like a walk in the park. Easy, calm, lovely. Definitely something to consider, and you would feel much more in control. I wish you all luck.

[Fatted]

Have you had a debrief with the hospital? If you contact them they should be able to have someone speak with you about what happened and go through your notes with you.

My experience with my eldest wasn't as bad as yours, but ended in an emergency c-section which I found very hard to cope with. I didn't want to have another but changed my mind after a year and was pregnant by the time my eldest was 18 months old.

I decided on having an elective c-section with my youngest. As part of the process for that the vbac midwife took me through my notes from my first. It really helped me make sense of what happened and why. My pregnancy with my youngest was terrible for various reasons, but his actual birth was a breeze. My recovery was also much better because I knew what to expect second time around.