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DD 7 really wants a sibling but we are one and done

(31 Posts)
AutumnNymph Sun 23-Jun-19 21:41:56

DiD 7 (almost 8) is desperate for a sibling and has been for years - we hoped it would pass but it hasn’t. Everytime one of her friends parents is expecting it’s constant tears and drama! We are very clear we don’t want another child and have ties explaining it in various ways.

We have had 2 hours of tears today after 2 months of daily asking - I wanr her to express her feelings but am frustrated and tired now.

Please tell me your success stories of getting your only to appraise the amazing things they have ?

DH and I are clear we don’t want another child for various reasons - we adore our daughter and wish we could get her to appreciate the benefits of the life she has.

ElphabaTheGreen Sun 23-Jun-19 21:49:21

She would be so much older than a sibling. Is she taking that into consideration? Her friends probably have siblings with 1-3 years’ age difference between them so they can play together at similar activities/interests, which she can see. If you had a baby now, she’d be at least 10 or 11 by the time a younger sibling got past the trashing the house phase, then a teenager by the time the younger sibling could even read or do things like play board games with her. She probably has a very, very rosy idea of the baby phase.

I don’t know if that helps, but at her age she may think a sibling is far more ready-made fun than the reality.

I’m a very happy only child and was always delighted to be that way, so can’t empathise from her perspective, sorry.

Pixel99 Sun 23-Jun-19 21:56:29

No success story. Not wishing to sound like I am minimising your DD's wish for a sibling but is she lonely at home. Does she have her own cat / dog that could act as a surrogate friend? Someone she can talk to and love and will love her back?

Haworthia Sun 23-Jun-19 22:02:16

Tricky one.

I understand how she feels, kind of. I was an only child and remember telling my parents I wanted a sibling. But I also understood that my mum had had a series of miscarriages - I remembered them. So I came to terms with it and certainly wouldn’t have thrown tantrums about it. My family was my normal.

So bearing that in mind, I’d say the “only child” thing is kind of a red herring, and your real problem is your daughter’s behaviour when she’s told she can’t have something. Whether it’s a toy or an ice cream or a sibling, that reaction to being told “no!” is quite extreme.

Two months of daily asking and two hours of tears? I would be frustrated and exhausted too. I think she needs a stern talking to tbh. She’s 8, and although she’s too young to understand the complicated reasons why you stopped at one child (and also the physical toll of pregnancy and childbirth) she’s old enough to not act in a, well, kind of bratty way.

Maybe her behaviour is borne out of real sadness that she doesn’t have a sibling and is missing out on some kind of fantasy life she’s built up in her head. But it would be a fantasy life. I eventually got a sibling at the grand age of 10.5 and the age gap meant we were like two only children of different generations, really (and there are pros as well as cons to that).

I think she needs a stern talking to about bratty behaviour and tantrums, but also maybe a bit of love bombing so she can appreciate all the great things about being an only - and there are plenty!

AutumnNymph Sun 23-Jun-19 22:03:16

@ElphabaTheGreen I have appointed out the age difference but as you say I think she beluves it will be a lot more ready made. Her “bestie” will be 8 when her younger bro/sis arrives so am struggling to harp on that without the besties Mum thinking am judging 😂

@Pixel99 no cat or dog no - am
Asthmatic and don’t deal well with pets. Also we both work FT - so are out of the house for long stretches.

Am not disputing she may be lonely at times but we ensure she has loads of friends and social activities that she is part of.

She also isn’t the only “only child” in her class.

I must admit after years of this I am starting to lose my empathy though I obviously keep it polite and kind with her.

PotteringAlong Sun 23-Jun-19 22:05:04

I think I wouldn’t be understanding now. 2 hours of tears?! No. Tell her to stop asking, stop crying and leave it alone as an issue. There will be no sibling. End of.

AutumnNymph Sun 23-Jun-19 22:07:53

@Haworthia. She actually deals very welll with being told she can’t have something.

Having one child is our choice and she hasn’t seen me suffer through miscarriages
It stuff.

We did give her a stern talking to today and she apologised. The 2 hour years are a rarity as well.

I just admit that I thought at almost 8; she might have given up.

I am quite sure it’s the idea of a sibling she likes more than the reality.

AutumnNymph Sun 23-Jun-19 22:08:22

Thanks for the responses everyone!
Just talking about it helps

ivykaty44 Sun 23-Jun-19 22:09:45

I’m not surprised you’re losing your empathy, two hours of crying and tantrums is excessive.

Sorry I don’t have any suggestions

Other than kindly explaining to her that you can’t just have what you want and force people to do something they don’t want to

Or borrow a baby and see if she likes the reality

We used to babysit a baby of 8 months when dd was about 14 and when we took him back to his mum after 10 hours dd would say wow that’s so exhausting!

AutumnNymph Sun 23-Jun-19 22:13:31

I should have said in my OP that there wasn’t any tantrum just sad crying.

I am glad everyone agrees this hasn’t gone on long enough - if she brings it up again tomorrow or anytime soon am putting on my stern face and voice and refusing to discuss it anymore.

fikel Sun 23-Jun-19 22:13:53

Tell her that she is your special one and sometimes Mummies can only have one child

AutumnNymph Sun 23-Jun-19 22:16:38

@fikel that’s my go to 😂 but then she asks if none of her friends are special and that’s a rabbit hole best avoided .......

WallisFrizz Sun 23-Jun-19 22:18:09

Her behaviour is extreme but out of interest were you and your dh only children? If you weren’t one yourself, it is hard to understand how lonely crap and different it can feel like.

Pixel99 Sun 23-Jun-19 22:19:29

My DS is asthmatic and we have two DCats. He is not allergic to them though. He would love one of DCats to be his friend though.

ElphabaTheGreen Sun 23-Jun-19 22:20:24

I think having the 8yo bestie with a new baby will probably be the solution. She’ll see first-hand that having a baby in the house is naff for an older child and that the reality is something else entirely!

Haworthia Sun 23-Jun-19 22:21:13

I understand that she isn’t throwing temper tantrums OP. But I think tantrums can come in many forms, and excessive/inappropriate self piteous crying jags can be one of them (I have a daughter, similar age, who is a master of these). It’s usually an attempt to get their own way using emotional manipulation. So that’s why I used the word “tantrum”.

PocaNinja Sun 23-Jun-19 22:25:59

I did the same. Begged my mum for a sister and she tried and fell pregnant with twins. I was 8 and It meant I had to grow up a lot faster. They certainly didn’t feel like they were my ‘besties’ but 20 years on I wouldn’t be without them.

NoCauseRebel Sun 23-Jun-19 22:28:34

She’s being a brat and I simply wouldn’t put up with it. If she starts again I would simply tell her no means no and if she brings it up again there will be consequences, and follow through.

AutumnNymph Sun 23-Jun-19 22:44:58

@WallisFrizz no no DH and I didn’t grow up as only children but my broker was 6 years younger - he died in an accident 10 years ago now so again I know all about how life
Doesn’t come with guarantees.

@Pixel99 I can’t stop sneezing when one is near and tbh don’t have energy for looking after another creature .

@ElphabaTheGreen that’s the hope (and also that besties change but that’s. While another thread ! )

@Haworthia gotcha!
Yup this was definitely an attention grabbing crying jag - DD does suffer from
“Poor me “ syndrome and gets told off for it quite often.

AutumnNymph Sun 23-Jun-19 22:49:46

@NoCauseRebel agreeed -
My last word today was that enough was enough and I didn’t want to hear a word more about it today or ever.

But after she slept, guilt struck and I wondered if I was being unsympathetic and selfish. She has had a tough year this year and has had various issues at school with being picked on and they are being addressed by her fabulous school.
She has had more leeway than she usually would the last few months. DH today pointed out she is totally taking the mickey now and am inclined to agree.

Am glad that so far no one has told
Me am a selfish bitch for not understanding her feelings

AutumnNymph Sun 23-Jun-19 22:58:01

Apologies for all the typos - am typing from my phone and am visually disabled 😱

RandomMess Sun 23-Jun-19 23:10:18

Yeah she wants this fantasy family/sibling that is in her head...

Perhaps next time indulge her in the talking about the fantasy sibling - what she thinks it would be like, what they would do together and so on. Perhaps she just needs to "work through" that it is just a fantasy? Letting her talk about it to process her feelings without indulging in a pity party?

buckeejit Sun 23-Jun-19 23:13:26

In the kindest possible way is she spoilt in other areas of life? Just if she usually gets her own way, she may be indignant over the loss of control of the situation rather than the end result?

Jocasta2018 Sun 23-Jun-19 23:30:35

Would you be able to tell her that you can't have any more children because it would make you ill and you are upset about it? Then if she goes on, you could tell her to not talk about it as it's not nice for you?
I'm not a parent so talking out my arse but thought it would be a good way of shutting up and teaching empathy/thinking of others.

AutumnNymph Mon 24-Jun-19 04:27:29

Sorry for disappearing everyone! DD has now been up all night with some stomach bug throwing up and is burning up. sad

I will be back later in the day to respond to other commends

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