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Knowing from day 1 that child will be an only

(13 Posts)
gracepoolesrum Wed 12-Jun-19 19:43:23

My DD is only 5 weeks old but we needed years of fertility treatment to conceive her and the financial, physical and emotional toll has been such that we know we won't try again. The nature of our infertility means there's zero hope of a surprise natural conception so this really is it. I would have loved 2 or 3 children but am trying to be grateful and enjoy every minute of the one we have (especially as her entry into the world was very difficult, but that's another thread). But I already feel regret that I'll never have a tiny newborn again! Just interested in anyone else who knew from the start they would only have one child and how you dealt with it I suppose, any tips for making the most and not dwelling on it?

PBobs Thu 13-Jun-19 07:06:16

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. We always knew there would only be one but that is through choice. I will say though that even though it is the right choice for us (lots of reasons like age, lifestyle, finances, etc) I completely empathise with your sense of sadness over no more babies and newborns. I even feel sad I'll never be pregnant again or go through labour - both of which I was lucky enough to find easy.

That said, I am an only and I loved and love it. It's harder as an adult but then even if there's siblings I know they don't often share the parental responsibilities evenly. Growing up was wonderful. I had lots of friends and my parents adore(d) me. But I'm also good at alone time and rarely felt or feel lonely.

Sorry that's not much help but I think your feelings are natural and so common. I said to my DH the other day that it makes me sad that our baby will never be the same as he is today ever again. There is a strange sadness and joy in that.

Good luck to you and your little family.

Aria2015 Thu 13-Jun-19 21:12:11

Firstly, congratulations! I have one lo. I've had multiple miscarriages (before and after his birth) and emotionally I feel like I can't cope with risking any more by trying again. So it's looking more and more likely that lo will be an only. I struggle with it because I never imagined I'd just have one (although I'm hugely grateful and realise I'm lucky). I suppose I find it hard to feel peaceful about it and like you, feel sadness at only experiencing having a newborn / baby stage once. Having said that, my lo is 3 now and we have such a strong and lovely bond that when I was trying for a second (and pregnant for a time) I felt sad at the thought of having to divide my attention between him and another child. I guess there's potential for regrets no matter what path we're taken on. For now I'm trying to find peace with it all by focusing on all the good things that come with having only one child and trying to make sure I make the most of them. There are loads of positives like being able to focus all your love and attention on one child, easier to travel, go places, more time to spend on yourself and your relationship. So my advice is focus on the good and live it! Also, newborn cuddles are amazing but so far I've found every age amazing and if anything it just gets better. Nothing beats feeling my lo's squidgy little arms wrapped around my neck as he gives me a big cuddle and tells me he loves me. There's still so much more for you to enjoy beyond the baby stage so don't fret!

sar302 Thu 13-Jun-19 21:30:21

Take loads of photos and videos - I have thousands and my DS is only 18 months old.
When I feel a bit sad that we'll never have another, I look back at his baby photos and relive those early days, without the sleepless nights and the worry!

I've come to realise that it's not really a second (random) baby that I miss the thought of, but almost that I'd like to do it all over again with him in a way? But I know that's impossible. So I just squidge him really tight, and try and enjoy as much of it as possible. And also think about the positives of only having one - there are many!

HappyParent2000 Sun 11-Aug-19 21:20:40

Ours is now tiring 4, we did it naturally (even though we really shouldn’t have) so now can only go the fertility treatment route.

People make way to much of a deal about siblings, all families are different.

We have encounters 0 comments, no resistance and not a single person questing is about more.

It’s the few that do have it and make a deal about it that makes everyone thing one child families have a problem. We don’t!

annlee3817 Mon 19-Aug-19 22:39:05

We knew as soon as our DD was born that we just wanted the one, labour had been fine, no issues, but my pregnancy wasn't, and I didn't want to go through it again. DH felt the same, we get told a lot of the time that a kid needs a brother or sister, and it's important for them to have someone that close to lean on when older, amongst other things... They also seem to think we'll change our minds, four years on we still feel the same, and are happy being a three. I don't get broody as such, but wish the days when DD was a baby had gone a little slower smile

fascinated Mon 19-Aug-19 22:44:08

I don’t know if it helps but just FYI I feel just as sad about never having a baby stage again after the - long delayed - second (originally planned on having an only). One can never turn back time no matter how many babies appear. I think it is a life thing which becomes even more poignant with kids. And I miss the days of three, too. And my own childhood as an only - it was fab and I am close with my parents still.

gracepoolesrum Tue 20-Aug-19 10:17:11

Thanks, a couple of months on and I'm feeling more at ease. Starting to feel some of the advantages of just having one, like being able to devote more time and money to this one, I can hopefully afford to go back to work part time rather than ft, etc. Also finding I won't miss everything about the newborn stage, there are days when it's been so tough! I still spend a bit of time on the infertility boards and that reminds me how lucky we've been. I'm still really sad she won't have a sibling though as both me and dh are very close to ours.

A friend said something that really helped me- that even with a second, it's not the same as it is with your first, because you have the older one to look after too, so your time spent gazing lovingly at them and enjoying the intimacy of the two of you on the settee all day etc are limited. So you never really get those firstborn newborn days back anyway. I've found that to be a big comfort.

LL82 Wed 21-Aug-19 20:35:42

Hi there
I have a nearly 5 month old little
Boy and also went through IVF. My oh doesn’t want anymore children and due to the nature of my issues it’s unlikely it’d happen again anyway, with help or not. I’ve found myself often feeling sad about him not being a little baby anymore (he is big for his age too!!) and that i won’t get to do it again, but of course the newborn stage is hard and as another poster said my mum also said even with another you have a toddler to look after and so is totally different. Sometimes deep down I guess I hope a little miracle might come along but I need to stop thinking like this too! X

LL82 Wed 21-Aug-19 20:36:35

Also I’m one of 4 and close to my siblings, so reading some of you as only children and you enjoyed it has made me feel better!

Mandraki Tue 10-Sep-19 15:14:46

I always imagined having 2. But from around 6 weeks pregnant I started saying I'm never doing this again, and continued after she was born, and continue now. It makes me sad at times because I never imagined only having 1, but I know I couldn't cope with 2. Our family does feel complete with 1 so its not that, its just the sudden change of mind from pre pregnancy days to now.

ValancyRedfern Tue 10-Sep-19 21:48:31

Research shows onlies generally have higher self esteem, which makes sense. I grew up being beaten up by my older siblings and being told they wished I wasn't around (3rd child). Whereas onlies are getting all your love and not having to fight for a piece of you. My best friend is an only and she is a massive advocate of it, and is also the most genuinely self assured person I know. If my DD grows up to have a confidence level anywhere approaching hers I will be very happy!

Rarfy Tue 10-Sep-19 21:53:00

Knew since dd was born she would be an only. Although I got pregnant easily, carrying them was another matter. Mmc, stillbirth, Mmc then placenta previa with dd so bad that after delivering her the consultant thought best not to have anymore.

I feel slightly sad for dd she won't have any live siblings but luckily for us we have a big family so she has a good few cousins already and hopefully more to come. We're all quite close so that's good.

Can't help you on the newborn bit, I hated that part anyway. I do try and focus on all the positives though. As I said, I'm from a big family and quite often money held us back as kids. We won't have that for dd thankfully.

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