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One and done? But not sure

(29 Posts)
chied3 Thu 02-May-19 18:52:20

I'm pretty sure we are one and done for loads of reasons

But my brain keeps playing out the future I imagined with 2 children

Sometimes I think it looks rosy other times I think oh no!

For example today I was thinking how lucky we are having just one child no more baby days with no sleep and stress. We can get up and do anything we want and it's good financially and for our relationship. Then I think but what if in the future our dc is lonely ( he is 7) but then I think he has loads of friends and we can have lots of social gatherings with his friends and their parents

Then I think what if in the future when dc is a teen/ young adult we are lonely! instead of this larger family I had imagined dc goes off and it's just me and dh. Then I think no dc might bring all his mates back and his girlfriend and we will have a great time

Then I think what about me.. would I like another baby and I think how gorgeous they are and how quickly our dc has grown up and how I would like to do that again and then I think but would I cope with all that again?

We are very blessed to have our one child but these niggles are very frustrating!

How do you make peace with it?

chied3 Sat 04-May-19 20:25:55

Hopeful bump

bookishtartlet Sat 04-May-19 20:34:55

I have no advice, but I am in this dilemma myself. My son is about to turn 4 and I am really swinging back and forward on what to do!!! I don't think I'd regret another one, but I like our life now! It's tricky isn't it.i had a rough pregnancy which is also putting me off.

Mountainsrivers123 Sat 04-May-19 23:39:50

Hello there, I'm having the same debate myself! My daughter is only 13 months old and we have been very fortunate with her. She is a lovely natured and healthy baby (we'd just love it if she didn't wake so much during the night!!).

I had always imagined we would have two children. I wanted a fairly close age gap so that we could get the nappy phase and the sleepless nights over sooner, and so the kids could do similar activities growing up. I also wanted to be done having children by my mid -30s to reduce health risks (this means baby number 2 must arrive within the next 18 months).

Then I had my baby and found I really struggled - we have no family/friends nearby and my husband works long days. I went from being very active and sociable, with a good career to feeling very isolated and lonely indeed. I suffered 6 months of post natal depression, from my baby being about 4 months old. It was really pretty awful and I do feel resentful that my mental health had such a negative impact on that time in our lives, and envious of those with good support networks around them during their maternity leave. But that's life and I can't change what happened.

My experience of the realities of parenthood have also made me question (and fear!) the possibility of having another baby... This is the biggest question on my mind at the moment. I'm not sure I could make the conscious choice to cope with two...and it feels like such a negative way to reach the decision to stop your family, rather than a positive 'we've got one, we're lucky and we're happy' decision.

My husband is magnificent and very involved. He is very supportive (either way) and we've discussed this subject a lot recently. We're both unsure!

I've been sorting baby clothes tonight and half of me just wants to get rid of them and give myself the freedom to move on with my life and enjoy time with my little one. The other half of me is afraid that in future we might regret the decision to have stopped at one. I am really not sure how much of my yearning for a second is just biological/hormonal, and just because I always imagined having two, as there really is no logical reason to have a second.

I don't know if this helps at all. It's such a difficult subject and so personal. The fear of regret is very annoying for me (and doesn't strike me as a good reason to bring a new person into the world!). If we do stop at one, I'm fairly sure I will have some sadness for a long time, I suppose mourning the loss of a life I'd imagined for our family. I don't really know how you make peace with the decision either way.

Long post, sorry! Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in feeling unsure and mulling over the complicated mixture of pros and cons... x

BooseysMom Sun 05-May-19 12:41:17

Hi @chied3.. i know exactly how you feel.. I also swing from one outcome to another. DS is 5 and i wanted to have another so he won't be lonely only i had him at 41 and we were never in a secure enough position to have another. Its been so difficult. At the age of 47 I have a constant worry of impending doom as I know my time is up and I can't have any more. I know I have to make peace with this somehow. I think it really helps to get your worries out here, esp if you have no one you can talk to about it. As I've said before many times on here it's the hardest door to close.
I wish you well and hope you find peace within yourself x

@Mountainsrivers123.. i just wanted to say that you wrote a very good post here on this thread and i totally relate to your thinking being in the same position myself.
I can see why they say conceiving the 2nd is so much harder. The feeling of guilt and regret is the worse. But like you I suffered with pnd after a tramatic birth and although we did sort of try for another I was that much older and tbh totally consumed with my one! I just wish I could turn back the clock 5 years. Like you we had very little help and I had to give up my job to be a full time mum which once the pnd lifted, I loved. But I never envisaged having just the one. I'm lucky that DS doesn't seem lonely and never asks for a brother or sister. But now at 47 its obviously not going to happen so I have to come to terms with it and count my blessings.
I hope that things work out for you and you find peace with your decision x

MountainEagle Sun 05-May-19 12:59:11

We keep asking the same question but imo it’s too much of a risk. Currently my DC1 has a lovely life, full attention from parents, everything our money can buy. If I had another baby, best case scenario DC1 would have less because our time and money would be shared. Worst case, DC1 could end up with a dead or disabled mother, a disabled sibling, and it could have a huge negative impact. The worst case is increasingly likely as I get older and I don’t want to put my family and myself in that situation.

BooseysMom Sun 05-May-19 13:17:49

@MountainEagle.. Yes bang on!! Its my biggest fear now at this age that we risk what we have by bringing another into the equation. There are no guarantees.

FlowerTink Sun 05-May-19 13:19:52

With you here. My DD is nearly 4 and having the same dilemma. At the moment I think I'd regret not having another and shes at the stage where she loves babies

MaidofKent78 Sun 05-May-19 13:28:30

Very similar thoughts here. Our DS is nearly 4. I am 41 so would need to hurry up.

I had a traumatic labour, suffered from PND and now have PMDD which means I find life difficult for a few days each month.

We have a lifestyle which is brilliant. My DH is amazing; very hands on and supportive of me whatever I decided. We are financially secure, the nappy and sleepless nights are past us and we have a great balance of family time and personal time to pursue interests.

And yet, and yet...... every now and again I question whether I really am "One and Done". I know my DH would be happy with another, but equally recognises that I am the one who would have to be pregnant, give birth, take more time away from work and cut back on my interests for a while.

MiniMaxi Sun 05-May-19 13:46:23

Same feelings here OP and PPs.

DS is 2.5, I think I would love him to have a sibling BUT - I had a scary end to my pregnancy with DS, he was 6 weeks early due to a placental abruption. The thought that could happen again is pretty frightening and I suspect I'd be anxious throughout pregnancy if I did conceive again. Plus I'm not far off 40 so all those complications increase in likelihood.

On top of that, although we were lucky and he is pretty healthy, we've had quite a few hospital admissions and that - plus DS not sleeping well for first two years - meant a lot of stress to our relationship.

Plus I love being able to give DS all my attention (as well as some for DH...!).

I don't want to rule it out just yet though...

Not sure how any of us decide, really!

poppymatilda Sun 05-May-19 14:26:56

Mines only 6 months old and I'm already having that dilemma!
I hated being pregnant and have found the last 6 months quite tough. I adore my daughter but I find mat leave quite isolating. I don't have family very close and my mum has completed lost it about being a granny, attacking me at every opportunity so she's zilch support.
Trouble is I was an only child and hated it. I was a withdrawn lonely child. I used to ask my parents for a sister for Christmas. My dad passed away 12 years ago so now I feel loads of pressure about being there for my mum as she gets older because I'm the only one. Feel guilty about inflicting that on my daughter 😕

MadeForThis Sun 05-May-19 14:29:40

If the only reason you want another dc is for your son to have a sibling I wouldn't do it. The age gap would be too big for them to play together growing up. They will have different interests and activities. Your Ds will build relationships with other family and friends. You can never guarantee that siblings will be close even when they are similar ages.

If you want another because you can't picture your family without another dc then go for it.

MountainEagle Sun 05-May-19 17:44:43

If the only reason you want another dc is for your son to have a sibling I wouldn't do it
DM has a sister. She moved to Australia 40 years ago and DM has only seen her half a dozen times since then. DH has a sister too, who he only sees for family dinners at Christmas etc. There are 4 years between them and DH said she had her own friends and left for university before he even became an adult who could go out.

Littlefroggy18 Tue 07-May-19 06:46:57

Having the same dilemma and have the same worries as everyone else has stated here. I think for me I worry for my DD more in that she is the only child in the family, she has no cousins and is not ever likely too so it seems like such a isolating childhood for her if we don’t give her a sibling. I feel guilt about this. Me and DH both have a sibling each who we have good relationships with and I’d really like my DD to have a chance at that sibling relationship too.
On the flip side though I think I’d be a better parent to one child, I think it would better for mine and DHs relationship, we’d have the financial freedom to give DD holidays and experiences she probably wouldn’t get the same if we have another DC. It’s so hard.

DieCryHate Tue 07-May-19 14:53:53

Like the other posters, I totally relate to your feelings. In fact, I echo @MiniMaxi as I also have a 2.5 year old boy and suffered placental abruption which had a profound effect on our feelings towards having a second child. We went from envisioning two children to the realities of knowing how hard pregnancy, birth etc can be and how nice it is currently now we actually sleep, the PND has gone and we have some disposable cash again which makes life more enjoyable.

We finally plucked up the courage to try for a second baby since we kept talking about it only for me to get pregnant immediately (as in within two weeks, which was a huge shock) then this weekend have emergency surgery to remove an ectopic plus my tube. It's been a complete rollercoaster and if I'm honest I'm still no wiser. It has been a reality check on how you don't know how things will play out and it's scared me into thinking how much of a risk it is.

I'm sorry I can't help you make your mind up but my recent experience has made me more eager just to enjoy our "one" without the pressure or worry of any more turmoil.

DieCryHate Tue 07-May-19 15:09:34

Also, I posted a similar question in this forum under my previous user name (doyoulikehueylewisandthenews) back in Feb and got some excellent replies then if you wanted to search. Good luck.

ScatteredMama82 Tue 07-May-19 15:20:02

We have 2 boys with a 5 year gap. DH and I are only children so didn’t have an issue with that side of it. I had a dreadful delivery with DS1 and that put me off trying again, then life got easy with no nappies, night feeds etc. DS1 got to 3.5 and bam, I got broody. DH wasn’t keen, and I was devastated at the thought of not having another baby. It was a real shock to both of us that I felt that way, and it wasn’t an easy time. DH came around to the idea though and we had DS2. He was a really difficult baby. He was clingy, he didn’t sleep until he was 3. We spent his first 3 years exhausted. DS1 adores him though, and we wouldn’t change him for the world but throwing a newborn in the mix when you are out of the baby stage isn’t easy. It feels like a step back. However, there are some positives to what we did....DS1 had us to himself until he started school. DS2 had me to himself while DS1 was at school all day. It felt like I could really enjoy the baby time and just cuddle him without feeling like I was neglecting DS1. Hope this helps x

DobbyLovesSocks Tue 07-May-19 20:06:52

I have one DS who is 8. We struggled to conceive as I have PCOS. By the time we got to the point that we could consider having a second child we could not afford it and I was in a job I loved that I would struggle to do part-time. Also the heartache of trying to conceive I wasn't sure I could go through again emotionally. We made the decision then to not have any more and DH had a vasectomy so I could stop my contraception.
Sometimes I feel guilty that DS has no-one to play with regularly, he will never be an uncle and never have nephews/nieces. However we have a nice life in that DS has our undivided attention, has several out of school activities and goes to holiday club etc. Plus he has no brother or sister to argue with or break his toys.
I honestly don't know how others cope with more than one child if they are in average paying jobs. We are constantly living hand to mouth but we do have a fairly large mortgage and paying back a home improvement loan

MiniMaxi Tue 07-May-19 21:19:11

@DieCryHate sorry to hear about your recent emergency surgery, hope you are recovering well.

(Was going to send a direct message but don't actually know how)

BooseysMom Thu 09-May-19 22:08:58

@DieCryHate.. So sorry, that must have been a tough time. Now like you say it does make you more determined to make the most of having one.

@DobbyLovesSocks...We have a 5 yo DS. We ttc dc2 but as I had him at 41 we knew we were pushing our luck. I feel guilty he may be lonely as we have no others his age in the family. We find it's harder work as we have to play alot more but he does have friends his age who are our neighbours and he always wants to go round to play. I think even if he had a sibling he'd still want to play with someone else! And he doesn't have to share his room which he'd have to do if we had another. I also think how do others cope with more than one if on a low- average income?.. I do know how you feel living hand to mouth. Atm it's only me earning as a part time admin assistant. DH lost his job following illness and is training to be a teacher so there's no way we can have another now. I'm 47 and so that's the end of it

DobbyLovesSocks Thu 09-May-19 22:14:19

@BooseysMom having no money sucks big hairy balls sometimes. I console myself that it won't be forever and I'm better off than some

BooseysMom Fri 10-May-19 20:47:06, it sure does. Yes that's true. There's always someone worse off

chied3 Tue 22-Oct-19 19:13:06

Just posting an update on this

So we finally decided to try and I got pregnant really quickly which was surprising due to my age ( I'm 42)

8 weeks in and I started bleeding. Thought it was a m/c. A week later went for scan to check all had gone and was told that it looked like it had but they also wanted to take blood tests to check. Was then told my bloods showed rising hcg, suspected ectopic and was rushed to theatre for emergency operation to remove pregnancy and tube

So now I am back to where I was.. just more traumatised

It sounds eerily similar to your experience @DieCryHate

How are you doing?

missanony Tue 22-Oct-19 19:24:17

We were the same and ended up with another who is fab. We would have had a wonderful albeit different life if we’d stuck at one though.

In the end, I really wanted another child rather than another baby and went for it. The sibling element was discounted because you never know how they’ll get along.

I did dread the baby phase but had an easy baby the second time around and it put to bed the guilt that I’d put upon myself for not enjoying the babyhood the first time around. It is simply not very enjoyable when the baby isn’t happy being a baby!

Good luck op. I don’t think that there’s a right decision to make, either way will pan out in the end

missanony Tue 22-Oct-19 19:26:11

Sorry OP, I just replied to the first page and have now seen your update. I also had a loss in between the 2 and I’m very sorry for your loss. It was a very big struggle to try again after the miscarriage

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