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Husband wants another baby, but I cant have one

(18 Posts)
Sadmommy1 Sat 13-Apr-19 04:56:57

My heart is breaking right now. When my DJ and I got married 10 years ago, we both wanted 2 children. Due to my serious health problems, I was lucky enough to have one son nine years ago. He is a lovely boy but has severe autism and also inherited my horrible (unrelated) illness that my doctors had told me was not hereditary.
My health has also somewhat deteriorated too so dh and I decided not to have anymore bio kids. Over the years, I've looked into adoption but dh was never really on board with that. About 4 years ago, I gave up and have mourned quite a bit about all these things, honestly.
Just when I felt I had come to terms with everything, I made the mistake of asking DH if he'd thought about getting a vasectomy finally. Condoms suck and it would be dangerous for me to get pregnant again. Yes, I'm 46, but still need to be careful.
Anyway, he said, "I haven't been sure what to do because after you die, I might want to have another child. But that's not very likely so I guess I should."
I was floored. It hurts to write about this. We've always been pretty sure I might pass away before him, but I had no idea he wanted another kid that much, and that he was thinking he might have one with another woman. He also told me he wouldn't consider adoption with me because he didnt think I could handle the burden of taking care of a child, but otherwise he would've agreed to it.
I am so sad now, and he doesn't understand why I'm so devastated. It doesn't help that I recently lost a job I loved too.
I can barely look at him now. I guess we need counseling, but ironically, I just feel too depressed for it. I feel so trapped in this marriage with my callous husband and challenging child. I haven't talked to anyone else about this because I dont feel like anyone will understand.
Thanks for listening

Sadmommy1 Sat 13-Apr-19 04:59:40

And its DH not DJ. At least autocorrect gave me a little comic

Ifeelinclined Sat 13-Apr-19 05:12:09

My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry. How cruel. I don't have any advice to give, but I am sure others will come along soon with some. Take care of yourself thanksbrew

iogo Sat 13-Apr-19 05:15:18

Oh wow. I don't think I have any advice but that sounds so cruel. I'm not surprised you're upset. It almost sounds like he's waiting for you to die. I don't think I could look at him the same way. I'm so sorry.

icklekid Sat 13-Apr-19 05:17:35

Keeping this to yourself will make it so much harder so well done for posting. Sometimes life seems so incredibly unfair and I'm not surprised your feeling so low. If you can find a friend to be able to open up to even if they don't fully get it at least they can give you a hug and show you that your loved still just in a rough place

snoopy18 Mon 22-Apr-19 05:59:30

I feel for you so much :-/ that’s really awful thing for him to say - men are so detached to these things aren’t they? Doesn’t mean it’s acceptable behaviour.

Mummaofmytribe Mon 22-Apr-19 06:43:50

You must be so hurt. It made me gasp when I read what he'd said. I honestly think that would make me have second thoughts about him. I don't know about counselling with him as I'm honestly at a loss as to how he could make you feel better! But maybe counselling for yourself because you may want to reassess a lot of stuff now. Good luck. Sorry you're having such a bad time

Soontobe60 Mon 22-Apr-19 06:52:25

OP, is your illness life limiting? If so, then he's being very crass. If not, he could just be being flippant and not actually thinking about what he said.
Perhaps he just doesn't want a vasectomy but can't actually give a reason why. I think you should talk more to him about this. Tell him how he made you feel. It sounds like you've been through a lot together. He's probably feeling as sad as you about the life you've been living for the past few years.

Polyethyl Mon 22-Apr-19 07:07:48

I think your husband is just being pragmatic.
It is fairly normal for widows and widowers to have subsequent relationships.

IStillMissBlockbuster Mon 22-Apr-19 07:12:16

That was an incredibly heartless thing to say even if true. What more was said? Because surely that wasn't the end of it? It seems like there is a lot to talk about, clarify, etc.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Mon 22-Apr-19 07:16:59

I don’t think what he said was awful. It’s a big thing to have an op to prevent more children.

Dh and I certainly had that honest and sensible conversation. I wasn’t sure that I wouldn’t want more children if dh were to die and I met someone else. He was sure he wouldn’t want children with anyone else so considered a vasectomy.

I think it’s a sensible conversation to have.

SamStephens Mon 22-Apr-19 07:20:49

Wow you read the title of some threads and think you know how it’s going to pan out but this was something else. His response was shocking. Is your illness something that causes an early death!? Even at 46 it’s shocking he’d be thinking along those lines.

I think counselling, when you can stomach it, is absolutely necessary.

Loopytiles Mon 22-Apr-19 07:22:34

I don’t think your H is necessarily unreasonable to think/feel that way, but it sounds like he was brutally honest and unkind in the way he shared them.

NorthernRunner Mon 22-Apr-19 07:30:09

That must have been awful to hear OP, I’m sorry you are feeling so low.

If the nature of your illness means that you may pass away young, I can appreciate why he may be thinking this. It’s not nice at all, but it sounds like you need to have a conversation with DH about this.

Mner2019 Mon 22-Apr-19 07:34:20

DH and I had to have this conversation 8 yrs ago as we froze some embryoes and the clinic wanted to know what would happen in the event of each of our deaths. It’s not hateful to think long term (either of you could die unexpectedly) but he has handled it appallingly.

Is this the only thing you are on a different page about? I would second some counselling for you to give you some safe headspace to explore your feelings and how to move forward.

CountFosco Mon 22-Apr-19 07:44:51

That was a cruel thing to say to you. Do you think you can move on from it? It might just be a thoughtless comment or is it symptomatic of something deeper? Make sure your will protects your son whatever your DH decides to do if you were to die (e.g. make your son your heir with your DH only having a lifetime interest in your share of your property etc).

stucknoue Mon 22-Apr-19 08:02:19

It sounds like he's being honest, counselling might be a good option. H's do have a sense of duty, but they also can decide to opt out - work on things so it doesn't come to this (don't want to sound bitter but my h has decided he doesn't want to deal with me or our autistic dd anymore).

Sadmommy1 Tue 23-Apr-19 17:25:56

Thanks to everyone for your comments. We did talk about it, and he said he doesn't want anyone else but me. I have always thought that he should remarry after I pass away. There have even been times I've thought about finding someone to recommend! LOL. He, himself, has Aspergers and does have the tendency to say some pretty harsh stuff. I guess what hurt me this time is that I didn't know for all these years that he wanted another child that badly. I had thought that we shared everything with each other, but I guess I was wrong. What else is he hiding?
As for my health, I have had a kidney disease all of my life, and have a transplant. My husband donated one of his kidneys to me! So I am forever grateful to him. I've been lucky so far with the kidney - going on 12 years - but I've had problems with debilitating migraines lately that are almost daily, plus waves of depression. He has had to take a lot of the household load as I am often not very functional. I feel guilty about this, and I wish I weren't such a burden. It's very complicated.
We don't get out of the house much because of my problems, but mostly because we have such a hard time finding childcare. Our son is on the severe end of the spectrum, and it's exhausting. DH has to work a lot to support us because I am up and down with employment, and he carries the health insurance for us all. It's just hard.
I guess I just needed to let these feelings out with people who won't judge me or give me simple advice. From the autism community, I get tons of - try GFCF, try this therapy, do that therapy, stop vaccinating, homeschool your son... I'm so f-ing exhausted by all of it so I've just isolated myself.
Thanks again for listening.

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