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Did you feel utter relief at admitting you only want one child?

(27 Posts)
Booksandwine80 Tue 02-Apr-19 09:14:17

Morning all. My dd is 2 and in my mind I always thought she would eventually have a sibling.

However, I was quite poorly after her birth, both physically and psychologically. Dh and I have had a really honest discussion and are fast coming to the conclusion that we don’t really want another child.

Since admitting this out loud to him, I feel like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I’m enjoying my daughter a lot more and just feel happier and more content.

Just wondering if anyone else can share their experience of this kind of thing.

I thought I would feel sad about “no more babies” but at the moment all I feel is relief!

DreamingofSunshine Tue 02-Apr-19 10:15:10

I'm not in quite the same position but I'm starting to make peace with DS being an only and I feel much lighter for it. We've just been on holiday and both felt that we actually got to rest for the first time, if we had another it'd be years before that happened!

Frazzledmum1983 Tue 02-Apr-19 11:53:58

I feel totally the same. I always just assumed that we would have two children, but for a variety of reasons (financial, mental and the trauma of birth being but a few), I have come to the conclusion that having one child really is the right decision for us. I have thought about it a lot over the last year or so and kind of hinted to my DH that I was leaning towards being "one and done," but last week we had a proper conversation, where I admitted that I feel pretty definite about it.

I expected to feel a surge of sadness, but also feel relieved, and thankfully my husband is fine with it too; it really does feel right and now I feel like I can stop thinking about it so much and just get on with enjoying the child that I have!

Booksandwine80 Tue 02-Apr-19 12:49:26

@frazzledmum1983

You sound exactly like us! I think a lot of my anxiety and worry over the last couple of years has been due to thinking “oh god, we’ll have to do this all over again”

I’m 38 so I do worry about getting a sudden urge to have another in a couple of years!confused

mememr Tue 02-Apr-19 16:43:07

I came to the conclusion about 3 years ago that one was perfect but as I've got older I have questioned my decision and I'm now quite sad about it. It's too late for us now I think and the age gap too big between dc1 and a baby..

OhHolyJesus Fri 05-Apr-19 21:12:39

Yes! I did and I announce it proudly to anyone who cares to ask as I refuse to be made to feel guilty about creating a 'lonely only'!

I adore DS and can give him everything he needs and more, I am a fantastic mum to one and would not cope with two.

I was quite clear on this early on and have never felt the slightest refine of doubt. DH wasn't sure at first but he is now, so great relief all round!

TeaForDad Fri 05-Apr-19 21:17:48

Not the same but we'd thought about having lots, but having stopped at 2 (then had the snip) and it's great knowing you are finished- making the decision is very comforting

Feb2018mumma Mon 08-Apr-19 19:16:37

Oh my goodness yes! I was so depressed and low with my son, the constant breastfeeding, the clinginess, the no sleep, the body changes. I wasn't caring for myself as I said id be having another and there was no point making a effort to excersise ect. Since saying we were only having one we are saving for a new home, I have lost the weight and started a healthy diet, I am smiling and playing so much more! I honestly never knew how strongly I felt until my husband said we should only have one child! I am enjoying everything that much more knowing it's the only time I will do it all!!

snarfblatt Tue 09-Apr-19 14:20:50

This is really interesting to read as someone who thinks they want another. When my partner said out loud that it probably wasn't going to happen (due to circumstances) I felt nothing but crushing sadness. Maybe I should ask him how he genuinely feels as for me, I know it's going to take a lot of coming to terms with - which suggests to me it's not what I really want (but again, circumstances so I'll have to suck it up!). If he genuinely feels relieved and happy then that's the decision made - if not, maybe we should be looking for any way to change our circumstances...

Dad2017 Wed 10-Apr-19 05:47:45

I definitely do not want anymore. Before my son was born I said I wanted 2 but my son is very spirited we should say and goes through the worst phases. He is up and down on his sleep and you never know what day he is going to have. I love him more than anything in the world but he can be so challenging. Hes 2 now and when he has a good day hes amazing, sweet, funny and lots of fun but when he has a bad day hes absolutely miserable and a nightmare to deal with, very Jekyll and hyde.

Definitely sticking to one as I'm sure when he gets older he will be amazing but if I'm honest the first 18 months were absolutely horrendous and never want to go through it again.

My partner wont rule out having another but also doesn't pressurise about having another. We are both mentally and physically exhausted most of the time and I dont really see it changing but the way I see it is if hes an only child he will probably grow up to be really sociable and also helps our finances.

Never feel guilty for just wanting one and enjoy what you have.

I have 3 siblings and they all dont like each other so you should never feel any pressure yo have another one, just try to enjoy what you have in life and if it's just 1 child then that's the way it is smile

flumpybear Wed 10-Apr-19 06:38:14

I have two children so different to you, however after having two I couldn't have another - I'm
Done! Sometimes it's just what's right for you, no matter what the nUmber is

StyleOfTheTimes Wed 10-Apr-19 06:46:16

I always wanted 2 children but after just having my dd 8 weeks ago I’m starting to think I’ll stick to 1. Her birth was pretty traumatic and I had some health complications after. I suffered with bad anxiety and I’m only just starting to feel like myself mentally. The thought of going through birth again fills me with dread. Such a shame as I had a wonderful pregnancy experience but even that has been clouded by the way I felt afterwards. I’m thinking of talking to someone about how I feel and seeing if that helps me get over it a bit. Do what’s right for you. I have 2 older brothers who are pretty much 10 years older than me so I basically grew up as an only child and I loved it!! I had my parents to myself and we did things that we wouldn’t be able to of afforded had all 3 of us been closer in age.

invalidchoice Wed 10-Apr-19 07:20:05

Oh yes! I take no notice of those who try to make me feel guilty, we are so happy as a three. And yes to the fact we enjoy it all more because we know it's the only time we will experience it. Also have far more patience for just one. And more money. Just so much easier.

Might change our minds when they hit 7 or 8 but will probably then feel too old for it all again!

Teatimeted Wed 10-Apr-19 07:37:59

No, because I knew before I had DS that I'd only ever have one. It took me 36 years to feel the urge to have one child, and a I just cannot imagine being a Mum to two.

DS is two and we're in the thick of disturbed sleep and tantrums so I'm currently very happy with my choice. I'm still struggling with the clinginess and neediness and lack of time alone, not to mention the hit on finances.

AloneLonelyLoner Wed 10-Apr-19 07:44:07

I'm posting just to say I'm so damn jealous. I wish we'd stopped at one. I wish my body hadn't sabotaged me into thinking I wanted lots of kids. Good for you OP! ❤️

Spudlet Wed 10-Apr-19 07:52:17

We had got ourselves into the mindest that we would try for a second when ds turned 1. Then that time got closer and I basically spent a whole night awake on the sofa panicking about it! Then told dh I couldn't do it again, and he said 'Thank fuck for that, me neither' grin

DS is 3 now, and sometimes I waver, but then I think of the realities of having another baby and I go cold 😳 No more for us, thank you.

Sproutsandall Wed 10-Apr-19 07:52:33

I didn’t have one child by choice really, but now when I think about having more than one, I do feel huge relief at only having Dd.

RemoaningMyrtle Wed 10-Apr-19 07:53:39

Originally only wanted one, then thought i should provide a sibling for DD, then came to my senses and realised I don't have the headspace for more than one child. DD is 14 now and we are, as Martin Clunes' described his family, a happy gang of three!

Best of luck, OP, and all other parents wise enough to realise they only want an only smile

Nokomis94 Thu 11-Apr-19 15:12:21

I can't wait until the day I feel at peace knowing we're one and done. Before our baby (now 11 months) we planned for two. I loved being pregnant and giving birth was pretty painful but just magical too. Our son is great he's slept through since 9 weeks old and is a dream 90% of the time. I have my husband at home with me as he's self employed, so I'm rarely alone with baby. When I am alone I really struggle mentally, I feel trapped and hate being alone with him. I was out alone with him but kind of stuck there as I'd been dropped off, baby had a melt down and everyone just stared at me. I felt humiliated, I tried everything to calm him down but he was just in a mood. I burst in to tears and begged to be picked up. I just can't bear the thought of another baby, I'm wishing him to grow up hoping things get better so he can tell me what's wrong when he's upset. There's so much more to it than just that, but I've even looked at female sterilisation. I'm only young and know I have years to keep having babies so I'm terrified. I hate the way I feel, it's not what I imagined at all.

MumUndone Thu 11-Apr-19 15:25:08

Noko maybe having your husband around all the time means you haven't quite gained your confidence yet for looking after your baby by yourself? He's still tiny, difficult to interpret, unpredictable. It gets easier. But look after yourself and speak to your GP if you continue to feel overwhelmed, it could be PND.

Well, I was one and done. Absolutely, definitely - and told everyone. I had a very spirited DS, found it physically and emotionally draining to care for him right from the beginning. But, after 4 years I started to think I could cope with another. I now have DS2 who is 6 months old. He is the light of my life. So...things change sometimes.

snarfblatt Thu 11-Apr-19 15:43:09

@Nokomis94 it's natural to feel overwhelmed, especially if you're used to having support. Have you tried any baby groups? It might be helpful to get out and about with other parents and young children so the biggest thing to worry about initially will be the journey there and back, but you'll know you can relax a bit when you're there? It really helps seeing others struggling with the same things you are! It does sound a bit like anxiety or possibly PND though as well so do seek support from your GP if possible. You're only young - you have plenty of time to get more confident and there's no rush to have more children, if you decide that is something you want some day.

DuffBeer Thu 11-Apr-19 18:26:39

I have one. I absolutely love it! He has fantastic cousins and a very loving wider family.

I am definitely happy with my decision and although I did wobble a bit, about having another, for around a year. I'm so glad that we didn't.

It suits us perfectly and I love the dynamic of the three of us.

Disfordarkchocolate Thu 11-Apr-19 18:39:57

I had three and then one more 10 years later. Being a parent to one as he's the only one left at home is amazing, so much time for him, spare money, time for husband, cheaper holiday accommodation and meals out. I don't regret having four but only one at home has been a very rewarding experience for me.

Nokomis94 Thu 11-Apr-19 19:33:35

Thanks for replying @MumUndone it's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels/felt this way. I don't know if I'll ever overcome my feelings to have number two, I worry it would be unfair to my children to have such stressed out parents.

@snarfblatt thanks for replying too. It would be fair to say I probably am undiagnosed with PND, but I've had anxiety and depression for most my late teens and adult life. I've had counselling before, I just hate asking for help and try to deal with it myself. I've never been to a baby group, I find it hard to talk to other mums. I have a couple of close friends both with boys the same age and we're all off together on mat leave. It helps seeing them but they seem to cope and enjoy it all much more than me, so I don't like to bring a downer on it all with my woes.

I just wanted to get everything right for my son and I feel like Ive let him down. I struggled to breast feed and mainly pumped but then that all flopped by week 6. I've lost so much weight when I'm already slim. I look ill and dread going back to work, people will think I'm a mess sad

Kittykat93 Thu 11-Apr-19 19:46:42

We've got an 18 month old. The plan was to start trying for another but we've just had the conversation and decided we will just stick with the one. I've found motherhood so challenging although amazing, and these toddler stages are hell at times!

My mental and physical health has suffered since giving birth. I don't want to put myself through it again.

I wish more people felt they could stop at one, I hate everyone constantly asking when's the next one?? Why does there always have to be a next??

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