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Having an only because I can't face any more losses

(16 Posts)
Aria2015 Sat 16-Mar-19 15:27:05

I have one lo who I adore. I had two devastating miscarriages before him and can honestly say, since the moment he was born I've been on cloud nine. Despite how happy I was, I was still haunted by my losses and that put me off trying again. When he was 3.5 years old, I took the plunge and tried again. I got pregnant quickly but as soon as I had a bfp I was plagued by anxiety (relating to my previous losses). After 3 weeks of worry and tears an early scan revealed I'm having another miscarriage. I really don't think I can try again. The 3 weeks I knew I was pregnant, I found it so hard to concentrate on my lo and not dwell on the anxiety. Now I know it's another miscarriage I feel guilty that I essentially missed out on those weeks with my lo for nothing. It seems I can't enjoy a pregnancy, I'm just consumed with worry and now with a third loss under my belt I can only see it getting worse. I'm thinking I should just be grateful and enjoy what I have? Has anyone stuck at one for a similar reason? Did it turn out ok?

Summ3ers Fri 22-Mar-19 10:29:21

Hi ya. I’ve just come across your post and I can totally relate to everything you’ve said.
I’ve experienced 4 miscarriages and failed IVF and although I desperately wanted to provide a sibling for my 3 year old, I am now making peace with the fact I am one and done. Things that have helped me is joining Facebook ‘one and done’ groups, making lists of all the things that I can do with just one child that I couldn’t do with more than one and also giving myself some timeout to grieve. I had one miscarriage before my son and 3 afterwards (one fairly recently). I am sticking with one and although it’s still early days, I feel strength and control in my ‘that’s it now’ decision. Really wishing you all the best.

AnnaMagnani Fri 22-Mar-19 10:34:19

Can I just say I am that child. It's fine, I'm really happy. My DM loves me, I love her. We had our issues but they weren't to do with the losses - a LOT has gone on in her life. There's lots of pluses to being an only child - I'm married to DH and when I see the drama of his siblings I prefer it my way smile

I always knew she had had trouble conceiving but how much trouble, not until much much older - for example that there were many late miscarriages, I had a twin. TBH I don't feel v connected to them as I found out when I was so much older - me and my mum are just v close.

She puts it that she had a nightmare trying to have one, a nightmare birth and then she just felt lucky.

FruitCider Fri 22-Mar-19 10:59:26

My child is an only, I had a miscarriage before them due to a bicornuate uterus and incompetent cervix, my second pregnancy was horrendous, I've made the decision to not have anymore. My heart aches every day but I literally can't go through that again 🙁

H0wt0kn0w Fri 22-Mar-19 11:06:33

Wow, just read this in active. Never had any losses but I sometimes wonder about the better relationship I"d have with DC1 if I hadn't made my life so much more complicated (and expensive) and restricted a lot of options (wrt where to live how to buy and how to afford childcare) so although I love DC2 I do sometimes think about life with one DC. It was lovely. I hope that doesn't seem insensitive. Life seems very stressful, lots of squabbles. I honestly think the quality of my relationship with my DC1 would be better if DC! were the only. DC2 had additional needs though. Sometimes I collapse in a heap and feel I reproduced like an animal, without conscious thought before I'd had any sort of growth or enlightenment and I know I could have started on a path to a rewarding fulfilling life that was only partly linked to parenthood (or family) earlier if my heart, thoughts and wallet and schedule hadn't been so strained.... Sorry if this is an inappropriate post. Just thought it might be different from the other messages you get

Aria2015 Fri 22-Mar-19 15:40:20

@Summ3ers thank you for your reply. Sorry to hear you've had your own struggles. I have already started writing a list of pros and its made me feel better. I'll look into some FB groups too.

Aria2015 Fri 22-Mar-19 15:44:37

Thanks for the replies, everyone. I feel a lot better after reading them. I know that we’ll be happy no matter what. I just have to get my head around things and get used to the idea.

Summ3ers Fri 22-Mar-19 15:51:44

Aw. You are more than welcome. Honestly, feel free to message me if it helps. I might be able to add some ideas to your list. Xx

Badgerbird Tue 26-Mar-19 13:12:49

aria I came on to write this post!! I'm sorry you have found yourself here too.
I had 2 MMCs before DD (21 months old) and Ive had 2 MMCs since her. My last one just 3 weeks ago. I'm 41 and know time is not on my side otherwise I'd give it a year or so and try again.
There are so many reasons why it would be great for us to stick with the one and I absolutely love our little family unit but there's still a nagging doubt.... I wonder if it will go away?

Aria2015 Tue 26-Mar-19 15:05:12

@Badgerbird sorry for your losses. I'm feeling more peaceful about things every day so I'm hoping that continues. I'm now definite that I don't want to go through this again. I want to really try and get some nice things planned so I have lots to look forward to and hopefully this sense of peace will continue to grow. I hope that happens for you also.

snarfblatt Wed 27-Mar-19 10:20:21

So sorry to hear of your losses @Aria2015. I had a mc years ago and went on to have a DC who's now 3 - our situation is such that another is unlikely but it is also in the back of my mind that if we tried and then were to suffer losses I think it would probably break me. I'm glad you're starting to feel more at peace with having one, and hopefully there's some positive in at least knowing you won't be putting yourself physically or mentally through the pain of another pregnancy and potential loss - but it must have been so tough for you so sending flowers

Aria2015 Wed 27-Mar-19 21:24:34

Thanks for the reply and the thanks @snarfblatt. Trying to stay positive and focus on the good things about having an only. I saw a quote today that said ’Sometimes you have to let go of the picture you thought your life would be like and find joy in the story you're actually living’ which seems quite fitting for my situation.

moonpeace Mon 01-Apr-19 23:27:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

keepforgettingmyusername Fri 12-Apr-19 11:13:26

I am in this situation today, I'm currently going through my fourth miscarriage and as much as I wanted this baby a small part of me is relieved that I don't have to go through it again. The tww, the scans, the baby years. I don't really want to do any of it again. My hormones will take over my resolve soon and I'll try again and that scares me.

snarfblatt Fri 12-Apr-19 12:04:10

flowers for you both @moonpeace and @keepforgettingmyusername - it sounds so painful. I hope you're both able to come to peace with whatever you decide is best for you x

Aria2015 Fri 12-Apr-19 16:09:18

@moonpeace and @keepforgettingmyusername so sorry for your losses and to hear you're in a similar situation. The problem with having multiple losses is that it makes the decision to try again harder and harder because of the fear of loss and all that comes with it. It's like climbing to the top of a building and trying to jump across to the next building and not making the jump and falling to the ground. You then have to work up the courage to climb the building and attempt the jump again. If you fall more times than you make the jump, your courage diminishes until you’re finally too scared to try and jump again. I've decided to give myself a year and see how I feel. If I feel like I still want to try then I may take one last jump but until then I'm just going to try and heal and enjoy what I have. I've fallen more times than I've made the jump but at least I made it one time and for that I'm forever grateful.

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