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Will I be too old or to move on?

(61 Posts)
lighthouse17 Thu 18-Oct-18 07:39:31

Hi everyone I have been here about 2-3 years ago where my husband wasn’t wanting to have another baby. Fast forward a year or 2 he agreed to try and was very happy to do so. I was over the moon. I was 39 at the time so we tried for around 11 cycles and finally got pregnant only to miscarry at around 6weeks. Than my husband wanted to keep going and I got pregnant on the 4th try but again had a very early miscarriage around 5weeks. That takes me to 40 years old and my husband had enough as I nearly died in the recovery room after my operation for the MC. And the second time was just too painful. He took time off to be home with me. It affected our lives as I was too poorly and sad to be there for my daughter. We decided enough was enough so signed my daughter up for a nice private school. We are very with our decision as we have one child and can provide with her with extra things. So I am sitting last night and I know I am ovulating and this thought comes to mind and grab my husband and say I want to get pregnant arghhhh and of he says no. This instinct has such a pull that is too painful to let go. I know I am happy with one child but being 40 and letting go of my dream is too painful. Even if he said let’s try we can’t afford it. I am soooo sad that decision is kind of made for me. I try to think maybe it wasn’t meant to be ... anyone having similar issues or can add some kind words. I think what I am looking for is someone to listen to me and actually writing it here made me feel a better x

lighthouse17 Tue 23-Apr-19 20:15:32

Thank you @mememr
I am feeling better today but I will never ever forget any of my miscarriages and my losses. It’s so much worse when I am on my own so I am trying to keep myself busy. Also as I mentioned I will be 41 soon and I think it’s time for me to let go but at the moment I don’t how to....

BooseysMom Wed 24-Apr-19 19:45:05

@lighthouse17..Oh i am so sorry. I have only just seen your post as I've been away. I know exactly how you feel about not knowing how to let go. I think for now it's just important to look after yourself and give yourself time to grieve. I went thru two mcs before I had DS at 41. On another thread I'm on, the oldest lady to conceive was 44 so you do still have time. Take care x

lighthouse17 Thu 25-Apr-19 08:59:21

Thank you @booseysmum
My husband is not keen anymore as he saw me go through so much pain 3 times. 2 of them needed surgery and I actually started to feel panicky like I am going to die. I am having counselling so I am hoping to recover from all this. I seriously don’t know if it’s worth risking anymore. According to doctors I have more bad eggs than good so it’s just luck to find the good egg but 3 times I found the bad ones. I might try again and another bad one and I go through this sadness and risk my like. Also I haven’t been able to enjoy my life while we TTC and miscarriages. I am giving away all the baby things. I am so sad. It feels like everything is against us having another sad

BooseysMom Fri 26-Apr-19 19:30:03

@lighthouse17..I re-read your post and i understand your concerns about trying again. The risk of mc is what put me off trying after the 2nd time and i regret that now but you have been thru so much so I get why you're scared. I dread every ovulation now. (If I'm even still ovulating!). The urge to try is so great and now I feel guilty for ignoring all those urges. Something was stronger in me and that won thru hence why DS is an only. So it's the guilt I find hard to deal with. Now I'm 47 I know trying is a massive risk so my drive has virtually gone. It's a really difficult door to close. I hope you get thru it and begin to feel can pm me any time you need to 'chat x

lighthouse17 Fri 26-Apr-19 19:53:06

I really appreciate your post and someone that is in a similar situation as me. I think I would try again if my DH was really onboard but he had enough seeing me go through 3 miscarriages and 2 operations. He thinks it’s a sign to stop. I wish I was 5 years younger that I would definitely try again after a break. I can’t believe this has happened to me. I never ever thought I would go through 3 miscarriages as my daughter was so easy to conceive with no real issues. I sometimes think I can convince my husband to try again in a couple of months but not sure if I should. I will be 41 in August and what are my chances after that. I don’t want to go through another miscarriage at all. Also my husband thinks that we would have enough money with one child to travel and just have more spare money to enjoy and that what we should concentrate on but I can’t think of it like that. I wonder if I would regret not trying again like you mentioned?

BooseysMom Sun 28-Apr-19 16:34:26

Just reading your post I can see and feel how terrified you are. Bless you. Do you mind me asking what the surgery was you had to go thru? I wonder just how true the statement "you soon forget all about it" is?! I don't think you can ever truly forget it and like you say, the risk of it happening again is a real factor so I can understand your DH's POV..he doesn't want you to suffer like that again. But none of it takes away the feelings of regret if you don't try again does it? Every month I feel this strong urge to try and yet I know that truly my time is up. I wonder if/when I'll feel content with how things are?
Sending you hugs and the strength to find contentment smile

lighthouse17 Sun 28-Apr-19 18:37:22

I had a laparoscopy with my first miscarriage as they thought it was ectopic. After the surgery they forgot to flush the cannula where there was muscle relaxant left so in the recovery room they have me morphine from the same cannula which paralysed me for 2 min. I nearly died as my throat and left side of my body was paralysed but the brought me back. I also had d&c with my third miscarriage and before all that I had another laparoscopy for investigation. I sometimes feel like I am going to die because of this experience like when I am on my own like I am going to stop breathing. So I am having counselling to help me through. I just feel maybe this is a sign from up above to tell me to stop following this dream that might never come true.
My husband said never to trying againsad
I can’t bring myself to get rid of baby clothes , the cot...
We also have no support from family so just us working full time. My work also suffered because of all these miscarriages. Like this time I have been off sick for a week and still not ready to go back. I am sooo sick and tired of so much negativity within the last 2 years. I could have had 3 babies sad

BooseysMom Mon 29-Apr-19 13:49:51

I'm so sorry, that all sounds awful. I hope the counselling is helping.
Don't worry about work ..a week's sick is nothing when others take the piss and take months off when they don't really need it.. you're obv conscientious.
I'm at home today with DS who is 5 and have to say it's bloody exhausting! I'm supposed to be at work but have had a tummy bug so just want to lie down in a dark room.
The schools take way too much time off. It's not just exhausting for parents but kids get so bored so easily and the temptation to give them a screen is too great.
But I'm going off topic sorry!.. I yearn for how things were when DS was a baby and toddler when we were together all day and watching his progs on Cbeebies. Now he prefers bloody Youtube!.. So I know those days are gone and I wish i could turn back the clock.
You say you have no support from family.. it's the same here. My DM passed away a few years ago and my dad is too old and has never expressed any interest in helping. Then DH's parents are so high and mighty about everything we do and are not keen on helping so I'd rather not ask unless have no choice. It's just so hard isn't it? You feel totally helpless.

Angharad07 Mon 29-Apr-19 13:58:54

I’m so sorry for you. If it’s any consolation, I had two miscarriages before the age of 21. It might not be your age x

lighthouse17 Mon 29-Apr-19 14:11:28

Oh god yes it’s really exhausting to keep a year old amused the whole day. I wish I could have another child bit it wasn’t meant to be right sad
I really think I would regret not trying again until it’s even more late than now. How do I convince my DH the third time? I managed to convince him 3 times but it took ages but this time he is really not keen like 100percent. Another miscarriage really scares him. I think it’s easier for me as I think I would love to try again in a couple of months. I need a miracle...
We also need to think of this more positively as at least we have a child. I can’t imagine how I would feel if I never had a child. I need to count my blessing and forget about a second.
When I told my daughter that we will get rid of the cot , she said but where would the baby sleep so I said there won’t be a baby than she said you never know mummy. I cried in secret after this. How I wish I could give her a sibling sad

BooseysMom Mon 29-Apr-19 19:10:36

@Angharad07. Sorry to hear of your mc x2. I had the same in my late 30s and didn't have DS until 41.

@lighthouse17.. i just constantly feel guilty about not providing a sibling/play mate for DS so I have to play all the time and that is exhausting cos you run out of ideas in the end and he ends up on my phone. I've just had a blazing row with DH about it being my fault I never wanted kids til it was too late so we could only have one. But it's a long story and is not all how he sees it.

I totally feel your pain when DD asks about a baby. Bless you. I'm lucky that DS doesn't seem bothered atm. But he might get lonely in future and that worries me. Hopefully he'll find a loving partner.

Do you think that you might just try again one day? I mean it might be third time lucky and surely the same mistakes they made can't be repeated?

lighthouse17 Wed 01-May-19 21:11:12

This was our third miscarriage so maybe 4th time lucky smile
I really doubt it though given my track record. I say one more try after every miscarriage but where does it end. I even said if the third one didn’t work than no more but I can’t bring myself to close the door. I just want to move on but it’s not going to happen anytime soon. I really hope we can try maybe one more time before I turn 42 but again it’s just too late sad

BooseysMom Thu 02-May-19 21:32:55

Sorry about getting the number wrong. That's hard on you and while your body is still ovulating the natural urge is to ttc. It's what I was ignoring for too long. How can time go this fast? It's just not fair!

lighthouse17 Thu 02-May-19 21:59:23

Omg it’s so true the time is just running away! I can’t believe I will be 41 this summer. When I got pregnant with my daughter I was 34 and honestly it feels like a year ago!
I miss my younger days where my fertility was booming and I just felt young. I don’t like being over 40 because of fertility. The odds are against me now. My eggs are just too old and that is depressing. You know what I think I really wanted to get pregnant again also to feel young like nothing has changed but it has sad and also to hold a baby in my arms again and nurture. I am not ready to let this go yet but my husband has. Men don’t have the same urge to have babies. I swear if it was up to men than the human race would diesmile

BooseysMom Fri 03-May-19 20:07:16

@lighthouse17.. lol. You're right there! I totally feel the same need to nurture. Men don't get that at all. I held my sis-in-law's 5vmonth old baby for the first time and I actually felt awkward and inexperienced even tho I've had a child. It was weird. I cried for ages after tho cos it made me feel so sad i can't have another. I long to b/f again. I just spend the whole time dreaming, do you?!

lighthouse17 Fri 03-May-19 21:50:21

Totally I dream about having my own child and looking after. Men have no idea and naturally as they don’t have the hormones. I long to have another baby one day but it’s looking really unlikely. I am having counselling as well and I told her that there is nothing in the world as fulfilling as having a child. You can go on any holidays you want, buy things, get hobbies but nothing could give you the same satisfaction. And she agreed actually. This is it for me and this is why I want a baby badly as my life became so worth living after having my daughter. I just lie next to her before she sleeps and I take it all in before it’s too late and she is older sad
Writing this here is very emotional for me. Is this how you feel too?

BooseysMom Sat 04-May-19 19:51:30

@lighthouse17.. hope you're ok today. I don't get to check this til the evenings! Yes I wanted to say I do feel like that too. I even let DS share my bed cos I'm so sad I won't have another I want this stage to last as long as poss. My horrible mother and sister in law know he sleeps with me and they gave me the 3rd degree! But he really won't go in his own room so he comes in ours. I read the book Three in a Bed. I can't make them understand it as DH's sister locked hers in their room and they screamed and screamed and eventually fell asleep on the floor!! I just can't do this to my baby!
So anyway yes all I do is dream about turning the clock back or being able to have another DC

lighthouse17 Sat 04-May-19 22:13:17

No problem smile
I think some women like us meant to be mums and enjoy it so much so we want to have more and there is nothing wrong with that. Some women choose career and no babies and some are content with one. You and me seem to be very similar. It’s good to have someone to talk to. I love nurturing, and I find being a mum the most fulfilling job. If I had my way I would downsize and live a simpler life and have lots of children instead of what I have now. I have a full time job , a big house and a nice car. But I had to sacrifice having babies. So I had to build my career till I had my daughter but if I knew how much I would enjoy being a mum than I wouldn’t have gone after career so much. So now I am stuck really. It seems too late for me to have another child and also too late to give up the life we built. I am not sure if I am making sense. But in honesty I would have started having babies a lot younger so I would have at least 2. We can’t turn the clock back so we have to be happy with what we have and just do what makes us happy going forward. So if cosleeping is what you love than do it. It’s not going to be forever. My daughter got her ears pierced today. She was so grown up about it and I just felt OMG she is growing up so quick. I wish I could stop the clock for a bit. She keeps asking me if there would be another baby. So sad I can’t give her a sibling sad

BooseysMom Sun 05-May-19 13:13:57

@lighthouse17. Hi, how are you today? I'm on here earlier today as DH has taken DS out to give me some space. I have horrendous AF and when it's like this i can't go out or even talk to anyone and mumsnet becomes my best friend and lifeline. Doctors will say I need hrt but I'm toughing it out!
We're so alike yes! I love nurturing and often wish I'd trained as a nurse or midwife. I support nurses as my job and see the work they do and sometimes I get a pang of jealousy.
Anyway i really feel for you as it's so much more difficult when you have a constantly longing DD. It means you can never quite close that door and you end up wrapped up in guilt. I think the only thing you can do if you're def not going to try again is cuddle her and give her as much time and attention as you can..I'm sure you already do this so I don't mean to be tactless and I'm sorry if it comes across as patronising. I do this with DS. We can afford things for him we wouldn't be able to with another. Also I wanted to say that I think you were v sensible as you wanted to make sure you were secure in a good job and in a nice house before you had child. That's highly commendable these days! We wanted to wait and when DH kept being made redundant we had to try when we were in a rubbish damp rented house. We had DS there and the landlord was awful .We then struck lucky and managed to get a shared ownership house which are like gold dust around here! By that time I was 45 so I knew my clock was ticking away! Then DH got v ill and that put a stop to any more babies. So it is what it is.
Please do keep in touch. Pm me if you prefer xx

lighthouse17 Sun 05-May-19 19:10:05

@booseysmum oh I think AF is worse as you get older. I suffer terribly from mood swings and pains. It was amazing when I was pregnant. I really hate the monthly mood changes. We spent a day with a friend who has a 5 year and a 2.5 year old and I am absolutely knackered. I looked after the little boy in the park for 10min and I hated it. He was running in all directions, falling over. I just couldn’t wait to give him back. So I am thinking maybe it’s best I don’t have another one now?. Being over 40 takes so much out of you with a younger kid. Imagine going back to sleepless nights, nappies and especially kids getting sick all the time. You forget actually what it was like. I started to look back with rose tinted glasses. I have another friend coming with 2 kids tomorrow. The young is a 3 month old baby so I will let you know how that goes. I love the baby stage but not so much the toddler stage. Would you really like to go back to the beginning if you could have another one now?
I think the longer you wait between kids the harder it gets as you start to move on. I am really sad though as I didn’t want to move on. I want to be younger and be able to conceive easily and just have 2 children a little closer. But my daughter is 5.5 years old and I will turning 41 this summer soooo sad that it worked out this waysad
I wonder also if it’s faith? Do you believe in faith? Some people say don’t tempt faith. So I had 3 miscarriages, does this mean stop trying as it’s not meant to be?
I always thought I can shape my own future and I can have anything I want if I work at it but fertility doesn’t seem to be that way. I am also a little resentful of my husband as I was 35/36 when I wanted to try again after our daughter but he was a firm NO so we couldn’t. By the time he was ready I was 39 so too late by than for me. I told him this as well that that’s sometimes comes to my mind. But I also say he wasn’t ready and we can’t regret it right? He did try his best to give me another child but again too late now. Arghh sorry for the long post. I hope you are feeling better now?

BooseysMom Mon 06-May-19 19:20:44

@lighthouse17.. oh i know! Wasn't it just pure bliss those 9 months when we didn't have the evil AF?! And I was really lucky as I ebf throughout and AF stayed away for another year after DS was born! If only I could have that again.
AF is def getting worse. I even thought this one might have been a v early mc as it was so bad with clots and half way thru the cycle I got really nauseas and v broody and hormonal when I held a new baby. I had to go and hide in the bathroom where I sobbed! So it is just appalling now. What are yours like?
That's really interesting about your friends kids and how you felt. I can imagine how exhausting it was as just having one 5 year old wears me completely out so to have two young ones! It is just the baby stage I miss but like you say I can't imagine goung they all that again at 47! When I held that baby I felt all awkward too and couldn't wait to give him back. It's like we'd never had a baby ourselves!
You're right about the longer you leave it after having one..I never meant to leave it this long but the time was never right and so much was against us. We were just really lucky we had DS.
I do believe in fate.. not sure about faith..guess it depends on the context. I find it hard to keep the faith as in belief of something. I think alot has been knocked out of me over the years and I've become a cynical old woman!!
I can see why you feel resentful of your DH. It's the same for us as he's resentful of me for not wanting to try until our late 30s but I'm resentful of him for not being able to keep a secure job when it mattered so we had to rent crap places. Even now we resent each other alot which is not good for DS.
Anyway thanks for asking how I feel now..It's better than it was. All I wanted to do yesterday was sleep. It was bliss as DH took DS out all day so I had a lovely bath and went to bed and it was heavenly grin back to work tomorrow though sad Boo!

lighthouse17 Wed 08-May-19 10:16:18

Sorry for the late reply. It’s been a busy week. I started to go to the gym properly even hired a personal trainer. I just wanted to do something for myself so I am not always upset about not being able to have another baby. To be honest it helps but the yearning for a baby is still there. I have no idea what to do to make it better. I am just so tired emotionally and physically now that I have to let go. My friend came over with a 3 month old baby and she complained about how hard it is. She said she can’t wait for the baby to be 5 years old so she can get her life back again. I think the grass is always greener from the other side saying is so true. I now know that this whole thing is a process I have to go through and it will take a while. I am having counselling on Friday with a proper doctor and she might prescribe anti depressants so not whether to take them or now. Have you ever taken any anti depressants before?

BooseysMom Thu 09-May-19 21:50:42

No worries.. my reply was late too I think. I've had a few days away from here after a horrendous AF. The doc said I'm not Peri as my AF is still regular every month but I've beeng getting all the symptoms. This last one I even thought i might be preg which resulted in a chemical mc but the urine sample was negative. I had nausea for weeks and felt really emotional and broody. The doc wouldn't do hormone tests but have to have bloods as I'm always so tired. I'm like you..i just don't know how to move on from this. I yearn inside for another but like you say about your friend, the grass is not always greener and how would I cope now at this age. The doc said it does happen and would I cope emotionally and I said yes it's just practically that worries me as we have no help and DH is not working atm.
Anyway yes, I have had Prozac years and years ago and I had a really bad headaches and dizziness after just 2 or 3 pills so stopped them. Now there are other better ones out there. My dad has been on them since my mum passed away and I have to say I've never known him to be so happysmile..I'll have to find out what they are.
Good luck tomorrow x

BooseysMom Wed 15-May-19 19:22:46

@lighthouse17.. just wondering how you are did the counselling go? x

lighthouse17 Wed 15-May-19 19:57:01

So sorry I thought I replied back to you!
It’s been a crazy week. So I went to the psychiatrist, she told me to concentrate on what I have rather than what I don’t. She told me to let go of baby thoughts and said it will happen if it’s meant for you. She said she sees so many women managed to have a baby once they relax, let go and enjoy their life even at 47 years old. She told me that even if we decide to try not to test even if I miss my period and just let go. Obviously we are not trying as my husband doesn’t want it anymore but she told me you never know and then it’s meant to be than it will happen. I also started taking anti depressants for the last 4-5 days. It’s making me yawn a lot more other than that I haven’t seen much difference yet. I have been going to the gym more and getting fit which is a positive.
I am still getting down about my miscarriage and the fact that I might never be able to have another baby especially when my friends are announcing their pregnancy. I immediately try to practice positive thinking.
In the meantime I am also getting counselling.
How are you?

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