Finding it hard with big age gap

[IsabellaMoltisantixx]

Hi all

I only had one dd up until last year when basically got pregnant with her on/off dad - basically we have a turbulent relationship but he's the only one I've ever been with

Anyway we had our first when we were young and I was completely put off having another . Had bad PND and emotionally/financially just was put off . Had to go part time at uni n didn't do as well as I hoped

Anyway now have second dd and first one is now 10 so basically a ten year age gap, it's just hard. In lots of ways, things like going to playgroups in summer hols, ten year old is bored, is at the stage where she's trying to act grown up into boys, phones, fortnite etc,
I just feel for her as she always wanted a sibling, but obv a few years back would have been easier now it's just weird. She's also become like a mother hen to baby which don't get me wrong I love and it's so helpful and nice but I just don't wanna ruin her childhood
Is anyone else in this situation with a. Ten year age gap? Two kids? Anything I can do to make it easier for older dd?
Sometimes I feel she's feeling abandoned and because I have such a good bond with baby (unlike when she was a baby) I feel guilty,
I just wondered if anyone else has same issues/worries and how everyone else handles the situation

Thanks

[ohfor]

I haven't got any words of wisdom but I am worrying about this .. I have a 6 yo and would like another I think but i worry that the age gap will not be great and ds will be impacted negatively after being an only for so long

I hope it gets easier for you ...

[Lndnmummy]

Hi, you sound like a lovely mum. I have a 13 year old gap between my sister and I and whilst we never had a traditional sibling relationship we are very close now as adults. I have just had my second baby (with a 6yr gap) and again suffered crippling pnd. She lives overseas but came on the first flight when I was unwell to help me care for ds1 who adores her. She saved his school holidays.
What I would say and it sounds like you do this already but try not to make her your daughters carer. My mum did and I was resentful of this growing up. So just be mindful of that. You can also talk to her and say that you realise a lot is about the baby at the moment but you are so grateful to have her etc. I’m sure you do all this already. You sound lovely.

[Rebecca36]

You sound great!

Honestly, it will get better. I've known people who've had a child accidentally with same or even more age gap to their first and there has been a really good relationship between the siblings after a whie. It's nice for a little one to have a big person to look up to who isn't their parent. I promise you that is true.

Make sure the big one knows how much you love and value them and put the past behind you, a lot of women find babies difficult and have PND but that's over. Wasn't your fault either, you've done well.

[LalaLeona]

I have a 9 year gap so faced similar problems. It has it's challenges but I honestly promise it does get easier. Will write back later with a longer post as on way to work now!

[IsabellaMoltisantixx]

That's so nice and kind thanks everyone for the lovely words and advice
I can honestly say it's been harder than u thought
For example, we'll have CBeebies on for baby , older dd ends up watching it she used to live CBeebies! But sometimes I feel she's going back instead of forward because there being a baby presence and her having no chance she even sometimes puts on a 'baby voice' I tell her off for this but then feel guilty as she's exposed to baby all day in day out on holidays and as you can imagine because it's summer hols it's even harder

[IsabellaMoltisantixx]

@LalaLeona
Thanks! Looking forward to it :)

[fruitshot]

7 year age gap here, and a similar experience with the PND and the first born.
We are 3 years in, and I now have, through the youngest being about, created such an amazing bond with me eldest I didn't have before.
It does make you feel guilty, having the age gap, but it's so much easier once you are out of the baby years, I promise!

[IsabellaMoltisantixx]

@fruitshot
@Rebecca36

Thank you

[IsabellaMoltisantixx]

@fruitshot
@Rebecca36

Thank you

Just shows how common PND is! I'm so glad I made this post, honestly thought I was one of the few who didn't another another baby due to PND
Partner always wanted one but I was just too traumatised about the whole experience. Sadly, when she got to the age of 7 that's when I started to get into the idea of havinng another tried for a year but no luck then we split up! Got back together again two years later and dd was born!!

Crazy how things work out, I really wish I tried sooner as I had no idea we'd separate for a year or no idea i wouldn't have been able to conceive so early so it does make you feel really guilty,

[IsabellaMoltisantixx]

@fruitshot
That's lovely how old are both of your dcs now?

[fruitshot]

They are 11 and 3 and both boys.
I wish I could freeze these ages, it's a great age for them both!

[ohfor]

Do they play together though. I worry that my ds will basically ignore baby and feel very deprived of attention and resent them😩

[IsabellaMoltisantixx]

@ohfor

How old are yours? She does play with her she's actually amazing and always holds her but worried she's becoming a mother hen!

[Labradoodliedoodoo]

The gap will be great later. Personally I’d make your second child fit around your first child’s needs. So no playgroup and instead support her to meet with friends and take them swimming/skate parks/picnics in the park. The baby will play with anything and anywhere

[IsabellaMoltisantixx]

@Labradoodliedoodoo

Thanks, that's actually s really good idea and really interesting because I was discussing this in the summer hols. There was a particular indoor play area that kept rejecting my 10 year old as she's talk for her age anyway and they said she couldn't use the facilities so I felt really bad

We often do go to the park, used to a lot with our dog but we haven't got him anymore :( I'm thinking of getting another as she was so happy with the dog obviously used to being an old hold she's had to adjust a lot

[Labradoodliedoodoo]

Maybe ask DD what sort of things she would like to do