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One Kid Households

(37 Posts)
justanotheruser18 Thu 17-May-18 20:03:43

I have one; he's only a baby... growing fast, but still a baby, for now. He is so busy, so explorative and so demanding of my time. I love it; I love exploring the world with him but I can't imagine having the energy to do this with more than one kid.

My home is quiet and peaceful. I need it this way and even with a busy little one, it's still a fairly calm place.

Is liking the quiet a reason to have only one kid? Does more than one child mean a noisy home or not necessarily? Am I selfish for not wanting to give my child a sibling because being a mum is hard?

BooseysMom Wed 13-Mar-19 14:21:38

@VelvetPineapple...that sounds a v hard situation. But he sounds like a gem. Bless him for doing so much to help. I'm 47 and my main worry is what you describe. Maybe it's better to be thankful with one DC.

@Glitterbug76.. it is a relevant post so don't worry. It sounds like you are very sad about your situation. May I ask why you can't have another?.. Wow.. your mum is one of 13! I'm so sorry about your DD asking every day. That must be tough. Girls are more caring so it's natural I guess. Have you any pets? I know it's not the same but it might ease it a little. Our DS never wants a brother..he knows who rules the roost! But I'm worried he'll turn round one day and say why hasn't he got a brother or sister. We tried for years but I'm 47 so am all out of hope

Glitterbug76 Mon 11-Mar-19 22:11:07

Thank you for your message boosey
I think the hard thing is when you can't have any more you dont have a choice like it's been taken away from you if you want another. my dd asks me every day for a baby sister or brother. Im sorry if this isn't relevant to this post , but if I could have another I would in a heart beat my mum was one of 13 still all close x

VelvetPineapple Mon 11-Mar-19 21:13:31

What if you have another and they hate each other or your second child has additional needs and the first one ends up in a carer type role?
These are two of the main reasons I don’t want another child. My DF has to care for a disabled sibling and it’s ruined his life but he feels obliged to do it. It breaks my heart to watch him struggle. I won’t risk my DS ending up in that situation. Plus as others have said, I’m exhausted from the first child and my body is enough of a mess without making it worse. If my first had been an easier child I might have been tempted.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone Mon 11-Mar-19 20:43:10

My DD is 5 and we've just had a second DD.

It's an age gap I recommend to anyone.

You still get the quiet one child days and when the eldest has gone to bed.

Farmerswifey12 Mon 11-Mar-19 20:42:06

Just realised this was an old thread hmm apologies!

I should add the upside of being an only child was also that I was given experiences that my parents simply couldn't afford if there had been more, all their love affection time etc went straight to me. As I said we are still very close to this day smile

Farmerswifey12 Mon 11-Mar-19 20:39:57

I have 3 and my home is never quiet, but that's the way I like it. Interestingly, I feel it's because I was an only and had a small family with hardly any cousins and they lived far away. I had a lovely childhood and I'm very close to my parents, but did feel a tad lonely.

BooseysMom Mon 11-Mar-19 20:36:49

@Glitterbug76.. I've just found your msg as it was still in my active list. I know just how you feel. I'm 47 and have one DS who is the greatest love of my life. We ttc for a few years but havd resigned ourselves to it not happening now. We had DS at 40,.nearly 41, so knew we were pushing it. It's a hard door to close x

Glitterbug76 Thu 07-Mar-19 00:13:04

Sorry meant don't want to try again

Glitterbug76 Thu 07-Mar-19 00:12:17

Might be a bit late to join in , I have one dd and had a m.c 3 years ago and do want to try again. Have no neices / nephews or siblings neither does oh. In my forties now I can't shake this want / need for another in my heart wander if it's because I can't so makes you want something more.

yappity Sun 18-Nov-18 11:27:06

Thanks for sharing this

I did not have a second for all of the reasons you state but I constantly think what if and worry whether I've made the right decision

I feel quite sad about it tbh so reading this helps

Tryingtogetitright Sun 18-Nov-18 00:32:07

I have two and while I adore them both I think I was a much better Mum when I just had my DS (4). Now I have my DD (18 months) as well I am constantly shouting, rushing, chasing my tail and I feel like a terrible mother. I was patient and kind before DD was born. They have a lovely relationship which I am very grateful for as if they didn't get on I think it would be a million times harder. But I do feel like DS was much happier and better understood before and I feel constantly guilty. Hoping it will improve as they get older and I do adore my DD. I think you are wise to stop at one if you are unsure about two and I secretly sometimes wish I had.

Laceythesheep Sun 18-Nov-18 00:16:50

Having just one is fine. When my lo was a baby a complete stranger shuffled up to me and said ‘an only child is a lonely child’.

I have since discovered this is a load of tosh and no matter how many children you have, someone will feel they have a right to tell you you’re wrong.

allanaw929 Sun 04-Nov-18 19:31:12

My DS is 6mo and my only one, for similar reasons to yourself, as well as many others. I was led to believe that I could not conceive, as was DS's dad (cancer treatment 3 years ago) so I had come to terms with not being a mum, then I fell pregnant in late 30s and despite being over the moon, I was so unprepared in every way. If I were younger maybe I'd consider giving ds a sibling but I don't think I have the mental energy, never mind the physical aspect which I really struggle with.
Others have mentioned family and I think that is a good point, if you have a very close relationship with your family and they support you and and any kids you have then it'd be much easier to deal with multiple kids, I have no family, no close friends and the father and I are not together (although he does come to see DS daily and occasionally takes him out for a while).
I don't think I could afford a second either, unfortunately it's so expensive and I just wasn't prepared.
At the end of the day, having a second should feel right, and if it doesn't then it's probably a bad idea, I hope your husband understands that. Maybe if you remind him of all the things that would have to completely change if you had another baby. If you enjoy what you have, why change?

Fivefootoffun Thu 01-Nov-18 22:15:42

Thanks for taking the time to feedback, it really is so reassuring to read and much appreciated

MrsTumbletap Thu 01-Nov-18 17:26:34

Well we originally said we wanted 2 and DH always saw a second child in our future, but I was 95% sure after DS was born it wasn't going to happen. We had so many conversations about it, and in the end it did have to be 'I understand if you want a second child but you will have to stay at home and look after it because I didn't enjoy maternity leave". He was on board with that, but then it became even more unlikely to happen so I said 'if you want a second it won't be with me'.

He now is completely on board, but it took 5 years to get there. I think everyone thinks they can convince you or wear you down, but I knew I would be such a stressed, angry, knackered mum to two children. Where as I can hold it together quite well with one.

I am also quite lucky in that I have a couple of friends that completely agree and have one so it doesn't feel strange, and a few colleagues sticking with one. Triangle families are on the rise with women having careers and having babies later, it seems to suit a lot of women.

Fivefootoffun Wed 24-Oct-18 21:35:05

@MrsTumbletap - that’s so lovely to read. What a lucky wee boy by the sounds of it.

Exactly like you say, i don’t think I would be as happy with 2 or more however my DH would really love a 2nd. He doesn’t put me under pressure at all but it does weigh heavy on my mind. Do you mind me asking if your DC’s dad was on board with 1 from the start?

MumUnderTheMoon Tue 23-Oct-18 23:38:35

This whole idea of providing a sibling for your child drives me mad. What if you have another and they hate each other or your second child has additional needs and the first one ends up in a carer type role? Neither of these are reasons to not have more kids but having one to provide your child a sibling seems so strange to me. I have one child for pretty much the reasons you describe I like a calm house and I don't think I have the energy to do it well more than once. There is nothing wrong with liking a quiet house. You should only have another child because you want one not to fill some perceived lack in you little ones life. You sound so happy with him having a happy mummy and friends at school shouldn't leave him lacking for anything.

MrsTumbletap Thu 18-Oct-18 22:39:09

I love a calm peaceful home, my son loves it to. Tonight as I put him to bed he said "I love this house" and it melted my heart. I get to spend as long as I want putting him to bed talking to him and cuddling him. I don't have to rush off and deal with a baby or another child, he gets all of me.

I love a tidy house, I like not worrying about money, i love having time to myself when my DH is with our son, i love the mum I am to one child. I know I wouldn't be as happy with two or more.

My son literally adores his life and asks for nothing, and doesn't want a sibling, we are a great triangle family (the best kind )

flubbadubble Mon 08-Oct-18 10:25:34

We're stopping at one. She's 3 now and only once have I wavered. Realistically we couldn't afford another and I love our little family unit.
Plus DD is still up 3-4 times a night and I am knackered brew grin

AbiBrown Mon 08-Oct-18 09:45:18

Hi OP, i can see where you're coming from, i feel the same. However, I'm also an only child and had a happy childhood and have a loving relationship with my parents and family as a whole. So it reassures me that if we stick with the decision to have 1 my daughter will be alright. My mum did toy with the idea of having another when i asked for a sibling when i was 6 but felt that our circumstances at the time meant she would have found it very hard. I'm very glad she made the decision not to have another child. She feels guilty not giving me a sibling but I was much more grateful for having a good family situation with happy parents in a harmonious relationship and that that wasn't compromised. So ultimately you need to do what feels right. If it's a stretch to have another and will upset your circumstances, relationship, mental health etc then it will have an adverse effect on your present child. Hope that helps!

BiddyPop Fri 14-Sep-18 10:40:49

I love DD, but I was also desperate to get back to work and adults when she was a baby. I'm not terribly cut out for all that "mother earth" stuff on a 24/7 basis (although we had the cloth nappies, I do an awful lot of cooking from scratch, she's a great baker having learned at my knee, etc etc). And I had a great opportunity to do a 2 year Masters starting when she was 9 months old.

As it happened, she was also a "hard" baby - which we didn't realise as she was our first and also first in extended family. Between silent reflux as a baby, and Aspergers/ADHD being diagnosed in senior infants (equivalent of P1 I think - 2nd year of primary school), it was (and still can be) full on.

With our jobs and our lives, I don't think we could have managed a 2nd, and I certainly wouldn't have wanted to give up work. And at this stage, we are happy chuntering along.

DD has started secondary school this year. Because we have enough money, she has done mostly any afterschool activity she wanted and tried out lots in the ECA programme at primary school. She was in various sports clubs and is doing most of those sports still through school (may go back to club hockey if life gets slightly less hectic), and is a very active Scout as well. She started sailing as a full-day summer camp activity (most around here finished at 2pm - not great for working parents!), and we found it was not only something she enjoyed, but she started to communicate so much better because of it (no "need" to talk when they arrived, but they had to talk to each other on the water about who was pulling what rope and going where and avoiding crashes - so by the time they got off the water, she was chatting to others).

We have been able to give time, attention, and money when needed, to various supports to help her achieve her potential and overcome some of her difficulties.

But we've also been able to continue to work hard, both of us, including having to travel internationally and get promoted further. And do some fun stuff, on occasion, for ourselves. And while it's occasionally more hassle than a family of 4, it has been a good number for holidays and adventures - hiking in mountains, a couple of city-break weekends, "big" holidays for "big" birthdays etc. And the ideal number for a row on a plane!

And she has some very good friends locally, and DCousins as well, so hasn't really missed out by not having siblings.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Fri 31-Aug-18 15:21:16

@justanotheruser18 - I believe that you are the person who is best placed to decide the right number of children for your family - and that someone else’s ‘right’ answer isn’t necessarily going to be right for you.

I had three children - all boys - and there are advantages to a bigger family - but there are disadvantages too - as you said in your OP, the noise was an issue - the bickering and arguing, and the fact that, if two of them were gainfully and peacefully employed with some pastime needing no input from me, the third was bound to be pestering me for something. And the three of them could never agree on what food they liked and disliked, so it could be a logistical nightmare finding meals they would all eat without whingeing!

My closest friend had just one child - her ds was my ds2’s best friend - so I did get to see some of the pros and cons of having an only child too. Her house was quieter, and some of the logistics were easier, but her ds did rely on her for entertainment and company, when they were home together.

You will find the right answer for you, and if there are downsides, there are also ways around them.

BabaMacMammy1 Fri 31-Aug-18 14:59:35

Hi @justanotheruser18..
I'm a Mammy of just 1 DD, and I really wouldn't change it for the world. I love her to death and just couldn't imagine loving anyone else as much as I love her. I feel there's so much pressure on giving the people that are irrelevant a second child i.e friends and/or family that don't live with you and don't help you out with your first child, I can't understand why. If you don't want to have another then you don't have to. I'm also a first born from a big family (I have 3 other siblings) and I really didn't get along with any of them until I had my DD haha. The attention of my mam, was given out and I didn't like it at all!
People keep saying to me now - baring in mind my DD Is only just 1, 'when is your next one' and my reply is 'when you win the lottery'. I want my first child to be my only, and I'm not scared to admit that, I would like to be able to say I didn't have to share any of my attention or affection for my first to another sibling, I would also like to have a close bond with my daughter when she grows up, which I don't think you get when you've got more than 1 because your attention time and energy is shared out. If that makes me selfish then so be it, I'm happy being a selfish Mammy! Haha, if you decide that you would like another baby, have one. If you don't then, stuff anyone that says 'where's the second'. You don't need them people! X

BooseysMom Tue 05-Jun-18 16:47:56

justanotheruser18..we're definitely on the same page! And yes there's no shame in having one child. .we're leading the way maybe! We've just moved to a new 2 bed house with a garden and it's taken years of renting rubbish properties to get here..DS has his own bedroom and i feel another child would put way too much stress on things. He's my baby and knows it! Yes it's more work as he expects more from us that siblings might give him, but we're lucky to have neighbours with similar aged kids and now they all play together between the houses. It's a lovely safe environment and we're lucky to have it.
Also as elQuintoConyo says, there's no guarantee siblings will get on. There can be no end of issues between them!

elQuintoConyo Tue 05-Jun-18 12:13:17

I'm a mother of one by choice. Having another child would not make me 'more' of a mother, if you see what i mean?

I love my child with every fibre of my being but he is a Duracell bunny and always has been. Another child would finish me off.

He isn't spoilt, i can't stand spoilt children so don't want one of my own. He has cousins he sees twice a month or so, good school friends, neighbourhood friends separate from school, friends from rugby we have an open-door policy for his friends and always help out other parents (and vice versa). He also relishes the quiet time when the last visitor leaves and he is home alone with his stuff.

I have an older sibling who took umbrage at my birth and we have never got on (now mid-40s). DH is one of 6 and in the last 2-3 years his siblings' true colours have shown and he is beyond devastated.

We are a very solid unit of 3 + dog. DS' various classmates/friends have had baby siblings and DS has not once asked for one, even though he loves babies and is amazing gentle and patient with them. He is 6.5yo.

However, i feel absolutely no guilt and never have. Perhaps that's the key.

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