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Husband Doesnt want a 2nd baby 😭

(15 Posts)
purplestrawberry2 Sat 20-Jan-18 22:08:56

My dd is 5. For the past 2 and a half years I have wanted another baby with dh but he doesnt want one - though he has only just gone from "not now - maybe later" to "not ever". He has just turned 40 and would be a stay at home dad and these are his main reasons; which I understand. But its still tearing me up inside - I cry aboiu it pretty much every day and I constantly dream about this second child that will never be. Also my dd has started asking for a sibling too and every time she does its like a stab in the heart. It has affected our relationship negatively. I worry I will resent him for this. I know that I cant have another baby with dh but how can I stop tormenting myself over this and find some peace?

offside Sun 21-Jan-18 08:07:22

You may get more traffic for this on the “relationships” board. I’d ask MNHQ to move it for you.

Afreshcuppateaplease Sun 21-Jan-18 08:10:07

What if he didnt have to be a sahd?

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken Sun 21-Jan-18 11:13:15

Would he feel differently if he didn't have to be a SAHD? Would it be possible for him to carry on working if you have a second child?

purplestrawberry2 Sun 21-Jan-18 15:57:50

he doesnt work. I am in a relatively senior and decently paid job. I could return to work with a few less hours but he would have to look after a baby after my mat leave, as he did with our dd.

Lirogiro Tue 23-Jan-18 09:54:22

sad I'm sorry to hear about your situation.
My dp also didn't want a second child. There were different reasons but the same inching away from it so it took a few years until we got to not ever.
I felt really depressed and felt like my life didn't have a purpose and also felt bad for my son.
In some ways, getting to not ever has meant it's something that i need to properly deal with. I realised i didn't want to undo what i already as i love dp and ds and we have a good life.
Slowly i have begun to feel better and have more of a sense of completeness about our family of 3 and i also have had the freedom to become self employed now i don't need mat leave.
It has basically been a grief process, losing the imagined child, the imagined family. It hasn't been particularly nice and i wouldn't have chosen it to be this way, but i am genuinely making peace with it for myself.
Don't know if any of that helps but i definitely remember roaming these forums 18 months ago and feeling so sad because it is sad, but i guess my life has carried on beyond that now.
Feeling for you in this difficult place.

purplestrawberry2 Sat 27-Jan-18 23:36:55

Lirogiro thank you for sharing your story; it does make me feel a bit better x

BoRoni Tue 30-Jan-18 11:06:50

Same here.. absolutely gutted . Our son 8 years old amd I really really want another one but my husband says no more. I cannot see how can I change my feelings or how can I get in term withthis... unfortunately unintentionally I kind of resent him and Im constantly sad.😢😢😢

slowco4ch Wed 07-Feb-18 19:33:28

I’m in a similar position my dh when we were dating wasn’t sure about us having children as he had 2 boys from a previous relationship. We nearly parted ways.

Our relationship was strong and he decided it would be good to plan for children together. Once we had my ds, now 5, he said no more he’s perfect and enough.

My dh is 12 years older, he didn’t want to be too old to play and enjoy being the dad he wants to be. It was a grieving process for me and I’ve almost come to terms with it. My friend is pregnant with her 2nd, told earlier this week. It has floored me again and I feel like I’m back into the pit of despair again.

I love my life with my ds. He’s fantastic and I enjoy not having to juggle other kids with him. With work, life and my little family I’m truly blessed and happy. It doesn’t stop me getting knocked for six every now and then though. It also doesn’t stop me resenting the decision being made for me by another human being.

gg1234 Fri 27-Apr-18 21:31:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gg1234 Fri 27-Apr-18 21:32:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greystripedteepee Mon 30-Apr-18 22:36:18

OP- what if you shared the parental leave. I know you said you are the higher earner but if you really would like another maybe it's worth it. My DH is the higher earner but works part time to my full time for various reasons I can't go into.

purplestrawberry2 Tue 01-May-18 09:04:45

greystripedteepee he is unemployed so no paternal leave to share

Hatchee Tue 01-May-18 16:54:09

DW and I went through this several years ago, when DD was 3/4. (She's now 7.) We'd always said "one or maybe two," and it was only when DD was moving out of the toddler stage that we found out how for me that meant "just the one" and for her that meant "let's try two." Background: I'm an only and love it, DW is the youngest of three.
I won't lie; it was hard. For the better part of two years, it was something that really came between us. Part of what made things better was fairly specific to us. DW, who had several careers and never felt satisfied, got into a job she loves and that really satisfies her in ways her previous careers hadn't. That, plus the fact that DD is really thriving, led to a situation where within a year, DW's main complain was that I wasn't booking in quickly enough for, erm, a fairly specific surgical procedure.
Obviously, some of that's quite specific to us. But I suppose the main thing is that we kept communicating even through what turned out to be the biggest rift we've had.

purplestrawberry2 Tue 01-May-18 17:52:02

Hatchee thank you for your perspective its really useful. Ive spoken to DH about it and when I was really honest about it realised that its me getting my head around what my life will now be

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