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To be unsure on whether I want a second child.

(28 Posts)
PasstheStarmix Sat 16-Dec-17 10:46:15

I have 9 month old ds who I love to pieces. He has not been an easy baby and things are only just starting to get a bit easier little by little. DH wants us to eventually have another baby but I'm undecided. We're both not getting any younger and if I'm going to do it i would have to start thinking about trying after ds turns 1. I don't want to be too old as pregnancy has been hard enough on my body this time around and I also don't want too big of an age gap.

Reasons why I'm undecided:

I havent enjoyed the baby stage and I'm liking that things are getting better and will continue to get better. I feel like I'm only just starting to get some of my life back.

I don't know if I can do it all again especially with another child. The thought of a new baby and then baby/toddler ds on top of that terrifies me.

I've also been thinking how much I hated being pregnant. I feel I would have about 2 years where I'll be miserable until the second baby gets past 1.

It has cost a fortune to have one let alone 2.

I don't know if I can put up with no sleep again as ds literally has only just started sleeping most nights. I feel I was better equipped to deal with baby number 1 and the sleepless nights as I was more rested beforehand compared to now!

I would love ds to have a sibling to play with and would love to have two children as know it will get better eventually but i feel like I'd be putting my life on hold and my happiness on hold for 2 years.

I worry I'll regret it in the future if I don't have a second and dh will be disappointed.

It keeps going around and around in my head and I just cannot make my mind up. Advice please?

Dozer Sat 16-Dec-17 10:48:27

How old are you and DH?

You still have the toddler stage ahead which can be v hard.

Is work a factor? Money?

Dozer Sat 16-Dec-17 10:50:11

Will DH do his fair share of parenting, including nights?

I always wanted and luckily have two DC, and found many things easier second time around, but the sleep deprivation was a proper killer and the toddler tantrums wearing. Sibling rivalry has also been a big challenge.

Friends with one DC have much more “adult time” IMO.

ApplesTheHare Sat 16-Dec-17 10:52:11

PasstheStarmix you don't have to decide now. Your DS is still very young. I couldn't face the thought of a second when DD was that young but now she's 3 it seems like a much more manageable proposition and we're going to start TTC soon. I'd recommend trying not to think about it for 6 months or even a year if you can. You'll find your thoughts on it change hugely over time.

NataliaOsipova Sat 16-Dec-17 10:53:38

I think having two under 2 (not from personal experience, but seeing others) must be about the hardest way to do it! A three year gap isn't that big at all and would give you some breathing space and mean the older one is a little more independent and maybe potty trained by the time you have a newborn again.

How old are you? This may be a deciding factor or may mean you have some breathing space.

Lollipop30 Sat 16-Dec-17 10:56:03

It depends on how much you’re swayed. I had a terrible pregnancy and birth with DD1. I got lots of comments from family how I was crazy to do it again. I’ll be honest, I was terrified it’d be the same again, but faced up to it as I was very adamant I wanted her to have a sibling.
My pregnancy and birth with DD2 was a doddle it was such a relief and she has been such an easy baby. No two really are the same.
That said I’m now pregnant with no3 after falling pregnant by mistake. There will be no mistakes again! DH will be booking in for snip in Jan!

NataliaOsipova Sat 16-Dec-17 10:58:10

Friends with one DC have much more “adult time” IMO.

You see, I've found the opposite, certainly when mine got a little older. They get on really well and so will always be playing together or entertaining each other, so we aren't always forced to be involved. Depends a lot on whether your kids get on, though, I'm sure - and there's no guarantee of that.

StiltonForDays Sat 16-Dec-17 11:01:18

How old are you, OP? I couldn't even fathom a second child until my first was 3 years old and at nursery (hard pregnancy and birth, non-sleeping baby, PND first time round). DC2 was born when DC1 was 3 years 9 months and it was a nice gap, if you can wait it out that long? I couldn't have been doing with a double buggy/two sets of nappy changes etc.

I had the pregnancy from hell with DC2 unfortunately (hyperemesis, obstetric cholestasis), but the birth was a doodle and she was a dream baby, so I lucked out in the end. It really was a very different experience second time around.

PasstheStarmix Sat 16-Dec-17 11:18:53

Thanks everyone for your kind replies. Me and DH are both in our early thirties but I always said I don't want to have children after the age of 34 because I already feel so old and tired now!! Me and dh conceived on the first month for number 1 but realise it could take longer and we might not be so lucky second time around as well. That's another reason we were thinking of trying after ds turns 1. We were thinking he would be at least 2 or over when the second baby would be born. I wish I was younger and had more time but I just feel if I leave it longer than that it may not happen or it'lljust feel too old for me personally to be honest. I know by how I've felt this time; the older I get the harder it'll become. I would just want it all out of the way with.
Money is tight but we are scraping by and will be better off when I go back to work but we will have to pay for child care. We kind of thought the closer together they are the less time for disruption to my work rather than stretching it out longer; it kind of makes sense financially for us (unless of course we just stick with one.)

I also had a terrible labour/complications and not a great pregnancy so it's nice to hear that lollipop had an easier time with the second one. We also don't have alot of support as far relatives/babysitters go.

I wish I could make my mind up and just can't. I feel like my clock is ticking and if decide one way then change my mind I could regret it. I feel like I need to make this decision by early next year hmm

PasstheStarmix Sat 16-Dec-17 11:21:52

Thanks Dozer, DH will do his share but he does work long hours but he will help when he is here. I would be stuck with majority though.

feverfish Sat 16-Dec-17 11:29:40

If money is already tight then it could be a real struggle with two. Childcare costs would double, and although you can reuse baby equipment and clothes, children only get more expensive as they grow older and if they are different genders then you can't reuse most of the clothes. Having family nearby is helpful if you have two, for example when one is ill and you need to take the other to school. If you don't have that support then things like that are much harder.

You aren't really that old OP however so I think you are worrying unnecessarily. You could easily have a 3-5 year age gap which would make more sense with childcare costs.

Chosenbyyou Sat 16-Dec-17 11:33:29

Hi

I had the exact same thoughts as you. I now have a just three year old and a 8m old. Decided to go for it cuz I thought I would regret it at a later date if I didn't.

I will be honest - it is really hard. I think I'm in a hard bit and the no sleep and constant-ness in the day is tough. I don't really enjoy the baby stage and I really don't enjoy the 6-12m stage when they are really dangerous and you have to be on it to stop them killing themselves! The thing getting me through is that I really loved the 18m-2 stage with my older one. Also my 3 year old is much easier and more fun than the baby so I know I will get there.

It is like 12 months of really hard work for reward after that?! The second time you know what you are doing with a baby so the main challenge for me is balancing the needs of two.

My body hasn't thanked me for another pregnancy lol.

It's not an easy choice - I originally wanted three but now I will have two and the second I went into with open eyes and view y1 as an endurance test and I am 8 months through this!

Hope this helps xx

StiltonForDays Sat 16-Dec-17 11:51:04

Early 30s? I wouldn't be stressing about it now, with a 9month old. Give yourself at least another year and see how you both feel then.

PasstheStarmix Sat 16-Dec-17 12:16:50

Thanks, yeah I guess even in another 6 months I will see how I feel. Thanks Chosen that sounds so tough; if i could wave a magic wand and be where you are though I certainly would! It's the pregnancy, birth and first 6 months that I would be dreading the most. Maybe just because I've had such a bad experience first time around it might not mean I would again I suppose. I love life with DS at 9 months so much better than when he was younger and I'm still looking forward to more progress next year. I haven't wanted to wish his babyhood away but at the same time I haven't enjoyed it. I guess it would be nice if I could have a second one and enjoy the baby stage (if that's possible.) Also because we don't have baby sitters we'd rather they were little together so they'll go to school around the same time and I could work full time then so money would be a problem as they get older. Moneywise we'll be okay if I go part time next year and ds is going to go 5 over 4 so there'll only be 1 or 2 days of child care to pay for depending on my hours.

PasstheStarmix Sat 16-Dec-17 12:17:37

wouldn't

PasstheStarmix Sat 16-Dec-17 12:20:49

It would be helpful to hear from anybody who has enjoyed the baby stage the second time around even though they didn't the first time. I wonder if it's at all possible.

NataliaOsipova Sat 16-Dec-17 17:36:00

I found the baby stage less stressful the second time round. Partially because I knew what I was doing, partially because DD2 was just an easier baby and partially because you simply don't have time to obsess about the little things. Puréed carrot in ice cube trays went out in favour of ready made pouches. Naps in the cot with the blinds down went in favour of naps in the car while we were transporting her sister to pre school. That sort of thing. It's quite a different experience when you have another child to sort out; I found the time passed a lot more quickly second time around.

PasstheStarmix Sat 16-Dec-17 21:13:54

Thanks Natalia, that's good to know. I have and do obsess with everything for ds so probably have made a rod for my own back so to speak. I'm pleased you mentioned the baby food as I was thinking how would I do that with a toddler to look after and feed the baby as he/she wouldn't be able to have everything ds has at that point whether puréed or not. I've made all ds baby food from scratch; he likes a lot of flavours and foods because of it but it's been a lot of work. Also all the pressure I used to put on myself to exclusively breastfeed for the first 6 months was ridiculous when I should have stopped a lot sooner. I was also terrible for researching every little thing and think I drove myself crazy coupled with lack of sleep and ds had silent reflux so used to scream the house down. Hopefully I would be a lot more relaxed if i had a second one concentrate on being the happiest Mummy I can be. At the moment I'm still traumatised at what a year this has been. There's people that can't have kids and it makes me feel so
guilty for questioning having a second one like I am hmm

PandaPieForTea Sat 16-Dec-17 21:29:48

I found the baby stage much easier second time around. I had DD1 for company (she was 4) and it went much quicker. I had PND first time round and not second time.

PasstheStarmix Sat 16-Dec-17 21:33:14

PandaPieForTea Thanks for your reply. I'm not sure if I've been suffering from a bit depression but I have been quite low at times and not myself. I still have better moments though so don't think it PND. Good to know second can be easier.

jinglebells123 Tue 19-Dec-17 00:04:48

You’re still young and you have some to experience with you baby - plenty of time to decide so don’t worry about making decisions now - just enjoy your wee boy for now smile

ApplesTheHare Tue 19-Dec-17 11:24:11

PasstheStarmix I used to feel so guilty for not 'enjoying' the baby phase but have loved the toddler years so much I've realised you don't even have to like the baby stage to have a second, you just have to be prepared to survive that phase again.

PasstheStarmix Tue 19-Dec-17 11:26:48

Thanks ApplesTheHare your comment resonates so much with me. I hate this year so much and feel incredibly guilty when there's people who can't conceive and people who lose their dc! Ds is 9 months and he was doing better but little guy is so frustrated at the moment about everything and I'm finding him impossible.
I'm wishing his babyhood away literally and just want walking and talking and to be a toddler. I feel so
Guilty!!shock

PasstheStarmix Tue 19-Dec-17 11:27:33

him

PasstheStarmix Tue 19-Dec-17 11:28:55

That exactly how I feel; having a second would be almost 2 years of having to survive (one the pregnancy and the other one the second baby's first year.) I don't deserve a second baby do I?

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