It's harder with more than one

[dragonwarrior]

I am reaching the point whereby almost every parent we know has one or more children and I am getting to the end of my tether with “it’s so much harder with two” types comments from everyone like they are a martyr and my life is a walk in the park.

I imagine it is probably harder to schedule more than one BUT (in the most part) they chose to have more than one so I struggle to sympathise with them.

At some point I will slip and bite someone’s head off I feel. How do you get past these comments and do people EVER stop saying it to you?

[dragonwarrior]

Obviously I mean more than one not one or more

[HamNJam]

I didn't choose to have twins, and am an only child and I would agree that it's harder with more than one in some ways and easier in others. Horses for courses, as with much of parenting

[Madreputa]

In a way it's easier to have two or more kids because they play together a lot, especially if they are the same gender and closer in age. One kid can be a lot more hard work as they get bored alone.

[dragonwarrior]

I did say in the most part because I understand twins aren’t planned.

And again I did say that I appreciate it probably can be more difficult but they way people say it is as if I don’t know I have lived when again, in the most part, they chose to have more than one, like I chose to only have one.

[ThePinkPanter]

It's bound to be a lot more difficult than one though. Imagine potty training and supervising homework at the same Much harder than one or the other. It's just logic. In the same way whilst I undoubtedly have stresses and life ain't always a picnic, I have less things to stress about and physically fit in if I also had kids to consider.

[Waitingonasmile]

I can totally understand it's annoying when people make you feel your life isn't difficult, and make out their problems are worse. However I don't understand your logic with them choosing to have more children. You also chose to have one child, therefore should you not be allowed to complain? Should people struggle to sympathise with you because you made the decision to have a child???

I do understand why it's annoying but also think you are being unfair.

[FaFoutis]

Decisions are irrelevant. If you choose to do something difficult you are still allowed to say it is difficult.

[Frustratedboarder]

I don't understand this at all - why exactly do you need to 'get past it'? As in, why do you find it so annoying?! It seems from your post that your agree that having one child Is not as hard as two so why Do you feel you have to make out you're having a tough time as well?? 🤔 Or feel your parenting skills are any less for only having one child??!

If I were you I'd just nod and smile smugly but sympathetically... Our if you really feel you need to Offset it in someway Just say something about it being swings and roundabouts and leave it at that?

For what it's worth I'm occasionally guilty of moaning to my single DC friends about the passions of having two... Yes I chose to have two but I genuinely (& definitely naively) didn't realise how much harder I would find it!

[mimiholls]

Just because they chose it doesn't mean it's not difficult. And it may be a lot more difficult than they ever thought it would be. Personally I would sympathise and think myself lucky I only have one.

[lightcola]

I used to have one. I now have two. It's harder with two. They are on different routines so I get no break with naps etc. One of them is guaranteed to wake at night. Finding activities that suits them both as a bit of an age gap. Giving each of them enough attention, especially ifs one needs it more than the other. I still found it hard at times with one.

[AdalindSchade]

Why do you care?!
It is harder with 2, and the fact that they sometimes play together doesn't negate the additional expense, driving to activities, refereeing arguments etc etc etc
Own your choices and your circumstances. So you have one child - great! Don't let anyone else's views on your life make you feel bad.

[RavingRoo]

I hate how raising kids becomes a competition.

[RavingRoo]

@AdalindSchade - not if there’s a 5 year or more age gap it’s not. My 10 yo neice does practically everything for 5 yo nephew - including helping with homework, biking him to friends, and fixing up quick teas while the parents raise the baby as if it’s an only child.

[Droogan]

Can you just agree with them, and say how glad you are that you stopped at one?

[ladystarkers]

Decisions are irrelevant. If you choose to do something difficult you are still allowed to say it is difficult.

^^This

Op you sound very touchy. People are probably just making coversation. I get comments all the time about having 4.🙄

[Apileofballyhoo]

I have one, my friend has 3 and my other friend has 5. The one with five often makes 'but you only have one' - even though her eldest 3 are very helpful, cook meals and babysit the younger ones etc - and the one with 3 often says she thinks having one is harder as they have no company at home other than their parents. I think myself one is quite hard for this reason, but it's easier in other ways obviously. DS himself sees advantages and disadvantages too!

[AdalindSchade]

My 10 yo neice does practically everything for 5 yo nephew - including helping with homework, biking him to friends, and fixing up quick teas while the parents raise the baby as if it’s an only child

Umm that's not really a recommendation

[LurkingQuietly]

Are you struggling with secondary infertility OP?

[SpottyGecko]

I have a 5yo and a 13 month old. At the moment two is harder than one. Baby needs to nap, more rigid with meal times etc. I have double drop offs at two separate places on the days I work. Baby has been in nursery this week, so I've definitely seen the difference only having my "easy" 5 yo to look after.

I'm an only child and someone warned my mum never to just have one as one is so much harder as no sibling company.

I'm hoping my two will get easier as they get older and can hopefully play together and entertain each other.

But at the moment two is definitely harder - for me personally, at this stage in their childhood.

[FruHagen]

I suggest you look on the bright side of this- when someone tells me they have a much harder time than me in any realm of my life my reaction is one of happiness.

Stop looking for something that’s not there, some slight you think other people are making because you have one child. If you genuinely come across someone who thinks you are less of a parent or less in touch with parenting because of that fact simply avoid them.

It’s hard whatever but hardship is not a badge of how much of the parenting experience you know.

[littleducks]

I'm a bit confused. Of course more than one is harder than one. Even if some things can be doubled up, most things will need to be done twice. There's more of a mental load as you have to worry about two people instead of one.

[onemorecakeplease]

It's so much easier with two most of the time! They play together and they've got a friend for life!

The only time it sucks is when one gets ill and then the other - can be a long haul.

[Ttbb]

I think that it depends on the children. It would be easier to have two 'easy' children that one really difficult one but all things being equal, yes, obviously it's much, much harder.

[SpikeGilesSandwich]

Not everyone with one child made that choice. I'd love so much to have more that it hurts and I cry when my DS grows out of things as there will be no one to pass them down to. I know he will be lonely, I'm sick of people telling me. I'd love the extra hard work of more children but I'll never get to feel how exhaustive and terrible it is. Lucky me.

Sorry for the rant, I need to avoid this subject as it's a sore point.

[JessiCake]

Sorry but I do just need to take issue with the notion that when a child has a sibling they have a 'friend for life'.

I genuinely can't understand why so many people still seem to say this as though it is as true and accurate a fact as saying humans need oxygen.

NO, having a sibling does not give you a friend for life. It MIGHT. It might easily NOT.

I, like those who so blithely say that a sibling is a friend for life only have my own, my relatives and my friends' situations as data. However even a small sample set shows me that of all the people I know, there are some who are still, as adults, best friends with their siblings, many (most) who get on fine with the siblings but have little in common, and some who loathe their siblings and fall out irrevocably or simply avoid each other as much as possible. Of the ones who hate each other now, quite a lot hated each other as kids too, some got on OK ish as kids but fell out later in life over family/parental matters.

Is it so far out of people's experience and - more than this - imagination to believe that many people do not really get on with siblings, either in childhood or later life?

On the original point, I can see many ways that it is harder with more than one, for sure - mostly when they are very young.

However there are small but important ways in which having an only can be trying at times as - depending on the child - you can end up being their constant playmate and companion (even if you have friends over a lot, there are times like eg most school days when it is imposisble to have people there every day for tea etc) and that can impact on the household in other ways. I've adapted to this as much as I can ( our house could be tidier for example!!)

Really though it can come down to personality. I know some very very easy sets of two girls, fairly close in age. I know some very very hard work onlies.

But yes I can see why it's broadly speaking harder with more than one, and like other posters have said I have to say I don't mind people saying this to me, really. I'm quite glad, occaisonally, when I realise that there are many things we have it much easier on! DD is not easy at all and I'm happy to occaisonally be reminded that it could be worse... (!)

But I do wish people would thinkk before spouting mindlessly that a sibling is a friend for life. It strikes me as such a bizarre statement. You only have to glance through the MN threads on AIBU, for example, to realise how very badly sibling relationships can go in later life. Those are extreme, yes, but ime the vast majority of adults I know just rub along OK with their siblings, mostly from a distance - sometimes continents away - and use their partners and/or closest friends as, er, their actual friends for life.