Overbearing MIL(9 Posts)
Okay so I need to get this of my chest as I don't really have anyone to discuss this with and every time I bring it up with my partner it ends in a fight, I'm at a loss and I don't know what to do anymore... hellllpppp!!
Okay here I go, bare with me it's a long one..
It seems that I unfortunately have the dreaded Monster In Law problem also known as the Mother In Law. My partner and I have a beautiful baby boy, he just turned one but I'll get that. Quick family update, myself I'm the oldest and have two younger brothers, non of which are at the baby stage, and my partner is the youngest with an elder sister whom seems to keep putting children of till "next year" every year.
It all began when I was half way through my pregnancy I noticed that my MIL's attitude changed towards me, it was only subtle at first and I thought nothing of it. She'd laugh and say things like "be careful, she's with child" and then laugh in her fake annoying laugh that just makes me want to punch her in the face. (I'm not a violent person)
Then it started getting worse and more annoying (maybe the hormones I don't know but it got to me), she'd keep telling me to "put my feet up", "hurry up and have this baby", "be careful your carrying precious cargo" and this list could go on.
I thought maybe she's just excited, after all it looks like she won't be getting any grandchildren out of my SIL, and that once I gave birth she'd calm down abit.. boy was I wrong, it got worse only I was out of the picture now, like I was a surrogate and this was her child that she never had.
Anyway, I finally after a long 9months of being in and out of hospital gave birth to our beautiful boy. Being first time parents and not having anyone in the family close to us that had had babies before we weren't sure on the do's and don'ts once he had arrived.
Things I now wished I'd known. You see after a long and I mean long 12hrs and 15 minutes of labour, 2hrs 30mins of pushing this child out of my body, and another 15minutes of having midwives pulling my placenta out I was exhausted and drained and running on adrenaline, yet my partner thought it'd be a great idea to call his mother.. at 1am.. and invite them up to meet the baby. They live a close 10minute drive to the hospital and I swear from the time he hung up they would of been there within that 10minutes. I had held my baby no longer then a few minutes , was still but naked and bleeding like I'd just been shot and my placenta was still hanging out in a bowel on the delivery table next to me. She stormed into the delivery room, took my baby of me during skin to skin time whilst I was trying to breast feed and completely ignored me. She held my baby longer then I did that night, she got photos taken of her holding my newborn baby, photos of her and my FIL and my partner and just her and my FIL with the baby... non of myself with my baby, non of our new family .. just her and her family.
It took me a couple of weeks for this to sink in and it's really annoyed me ever since and I just can't seem to shake it.
After 3 days I'm finally aloud to go home, home to our new family to get into our own routine and to just rest. Looking back now I should of spoke with my partner about visitors and notifying before and asking to come around because my MIL who also like the hospital only lived a 10minute drive from our house though it was acceptable to come around unannounced, let herself in and once again take my baby from me, even while he was sleeping. She'd shove a camera in his face and take multiple photos and then do that hideous laugh again and talk about all these people I've never heard of let alone no that she's going to show them to. All while still ignoring me. I still remember the time my son had pooed and needed his nappy changed (he was 1 week old) and I got up to do it and she jumped up and tried to pry him from my arms and insisted that she did it. This is the first time I stood up and defended myself, I said firmly "no I can do it" and she didn't like that, she sat back down and ignored me for the rest of the morning.
To cut it short, my son had suffered from reflux really bad from birth to about 6months old, we tried everything to help comfort and settle him. We finally found an anti reflux formula that worked and had got him into some medication. Because of the reflux the dr said he wasn't aloud to lay flat on his back to sleep or after a feed as it caused burning and discomfort and he'd scream for hours. I told my partner about it and we told our families (my mum had been through reflux before with my brother) but my MIL either didn't listen and didn't care or was just to wrapped up in herself to obey what we had said. You see the other thing that annoyed me was she had set up a full on nursery in a spare room of her house, it had a cot, change matt, feeding chair, a stick of Nappies and wipes and bathing locations as well as clothes and towels and was decorated for a baby boy, it was like as if she thought he'd be coming home to her. I hate that room and I to this day do not let my son go on there it freaks me out. Back to the reflux she was told not to lay him flat and what not. A few times she took our newborn into that dreaded room and and laid him FLAT ON HIS BACK in the stupid cot just so she could take pictures of him in it and coo over him in it. He'd start screaming and she'd just let him lay there for a while before bringing him out. The last time it happened I firmly said do not lay him down, I heard him scream and what do you know he was laying down again , in agony. It got to me so much that when we got home my partner noticed and asked what's wrong, that's the first time I cracked it hard at him about his mum not listening and harming our baby. He of course sided with her for awhile before I made it clear to him that what she was doing is hurting our baby. Apparently he went and spoke to her without me and told her not to do it and her response was "oh I didn't know". She just plays dumb and he falls for it.
Fast forward a few months, she's still a pain in the arse and doesn't care about anyone else but herself. Our baby crawls around and does his own thing but she can't stand that and has to get in his way and be down there with him in some way. She buys and gives him very inappropriate things, recently she's been giving him clothes pegs to play with and rubbish bits of paper and lets him rip up magazines. She's taken a few of our big firsts of us, she bought him his first play tool set just because he was helping his dad with tools, as a parent of a boy that's something that you can't wait to buy for them. Recently it was his first birthday and she had to get him a cake (which doesn't sound like a big deal) but it was his first ever birthday cake which is something that as a parent you can't wait for to see the look on there face when it comes out, I had arranged for a cake for his birthday but she had to ruin that by getting in first. She also bought him outside toys that are something that we as his parents should be buying like swing sets and trampolines, all inappropriate things that doesn't suit his age but she had to get in first.
Last week I had yet another argument with my partner over her this time about how inappropriate it is to give him pegs and rubbish paper and magazines to play with and rip up. And how whenever I say no to our son how she try's to parent over me and say it's ok he can do what I had asked him not to do. And how he just sits back and doesn't say anything. He again sided with her and played dumb like he didn't know what was happening. I then said that maybe we should go our seperate ways if this is how it's going to be and he quickly changed tune and said he'd tell her not to give him them things and not say yes when I say no.
So now I'm at a loss with what to do. I love my partner to death but his mother is driving us apart and he doesn't seem to see that.
I've always had both sets of grandparents in my life and I'd like that for my son to but at the end of the day if she's not going to listen or obey then I'm going to have to wipe them out of his life for his own safety. I don't know what to do.. help a mumma out please!!
I think that you may have posted this in the wrong place. I don't think these boards get too much traffic, but it is still early hours in the UK...
I am afraid I do not have much or any helpful advice but I would suggest that you attempt to talk to her and tell her how you feel and that although you appreciate the gifts for your son etc you would appreciate if she asked first before buying him more presents?
I would set out some hard and fast rules that your partner knows of in advance (and agrees too) and tell her that this is how it is or she unfortunately will not be able to spend so much time with her grandson.
I have absolutely no experience with this though so hopefully someone else will come along and be able to help.
Sounds very much like my MIL but the difference is, my DH stands up for himself and me and won't put up with her shit. He says no to all the stuff she buys and it really upsets him that she tries to ruin all out firsts. My DH is an only child and feels a sense of responsibility or he'd have cut her out of his life by now.
You need to get the message through to your DH about how you feel and that it needs to stop. He is the one facilitating her horrible behaviour.
Also, we will never let her be around our DS unsupervised as she has proven that she neither listens to nor respects our wishes and therefore cannot be trusted.
I can see that the instant post-birth arrival and lying down when he had reflux were really annoying and selfish of her.
But for the rest of it, fuck me, you sound like very hard work. Buying him toys, having a appropriate area at her house for sleeping and changing, playing with him, letting him play with paper... these are normal things that many people would be stoked to have a grandparent doing. You really, really need to lighten up a bit and save the battles for the important stuff.
Lily, so in your opinion, Grannies decorating and kitting out an entire nursery as if they were having a baby is not at all creepy and weird?
Unless you've discussed it with the child's parents and are going to be looking after the child regularly in your house then why on earth would you do that?! Most sane grandparents have a few little toys and books for visiting grandchildren.
I think that if your DH isn’t going to do anything then you need to stand up to her and exert your role as your child’s mum so if you don’t want something she’s bought refuse it, take things away and say they aren’t suitable and tell her not to come to yours unexpectedly etc. It’ll be tough but she’ll get the message. She’s had her children so she doesn’t get to take away your enjoyment of being a Mum.
The room thing is odd given that you live so close as it’s unliely your son will stay at hers that often. Ripping magazines seems to be an odd MIL thing.
On the plus side it will get easier as your son gets older as although he’ll love his grandmother he’ll love his mum more and will be making his own choices and preferences.
Spike honestly, if she has a spare room and wants to make a space where her grandchild/future grandchildren could stay/play, I would find it hard to get worked up about it, especially to the point of calling it “the dreaded room” and banning my child from it. So he has a place to sleep, be fed and get changed when visiting OH NO HOW AWFUL.
But then again I didn’t have a desperate desire to buy my son his first tool set (in fact he’s five and still doesn’t have one) nor care about him ripping old magazines, again, certainly not to the point where I would threaten my partner with divorce if he didn’t happen to think those things were signs that his mother is a monster.
I'd move away or split up with DP -at least until he got the message you aren't going to put up with her shit anymore
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