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Im driving myself crazy trying to decide

(111 Posts)
Mrstumbletap Thu 17-Aug-17 21:43:23

I can't decide whether to stay with one, or try for another I'm 34 I can't spend forever deciding. I'm thinking about it more and more frequently and it's driving me crazy as I need to make a decision!

Pros of one child
Life is easy with one
Get my own time (DH does too)
Have time for my career
More comfortable with money
Give all my time to DS
Not close to my sibling, so don't feel sibling guilt

Cons
Child misses out on close relationship/socialising
Caring for elderly parent/s alone - burden
Quiet Christmas
The saying "you regret what you didn't do, not what you did do" keeps looping around and around in my head.
Tiredness of a newborn

How, how, how can you make the decision of sticking with one or doing it all again?! It seems impossible sad

BubblesBuddy Thu 17-Aug-17 21:48:04

Not much of your list feels very loving towards a child. It's all about you and your feelings. Even being cared for in your old age - better with two children! I feel surprised you had one.

Mrstumbletap Thu 17-Aug-17 22:13:24

Just wanted to be mean to someone on the internet today did you Bubbles? confused

Mrstumbletap Thu 17-Aug-17 22:13:47

If any mumsnetters have any advice or guidance that has struggled with this decision, I would love to know what helped you decide to make the leap to trying for another. Was there a deciding factor? Why made you think 'right stop contraception I'm going to do it' or not.....

Guardup Thu 17-Aug-17 22:21:57

I always wanted to have more than one child, but when I had my DD1 I totally got why people stopped at one for all the pros you listed. I did go on to have another and remember being worried about how it would affect my relationship with my DD1 and how it would impact our 'perfect' little family. I remember thinking their might be some unknown secret that you don't love your second as much as your first! Now I have DD2 I can honestly say I think the best gift you can give a child (if you are able) is a sibling. Seeing them play, love each other and become life long friends is an absolute joy. I'd say go for it x

Mayhemmumma Thu 17-Aug-17 22:27:13

I always knew I wanted another after my first, the sibling thing is really important to me and I'm so relieved I had two 2years apart, they're great friends, entertain and learn so much from each other. It's lovely to see. I think only have another child if you really want one. I agonized over and tried for a 3rd, it didn't happen and in reality I probably didn't want one as much as I thought I would.

lazycrazyhazy Thu 17-Aug-17 23:03:05

I'm sure there will be many opinions on here but, for what it's worth, anecdotally, I have two friends who wished they'd had another child. I know no one who had a child and wished they had not.

Mrstumbletap Fri 18-Aug-17 08:08:02

Guardup that's exactly how I felt, I always thought I would have 2, then after DS I thought blimey this is harder than I thought, maybe I will just have the one.

Lazycrazyhazy that is exactly my fear what if when I'm 50 I think I should have stopped worrying and just done it. But what if I have a toddler and a 3 month old and I am the first mum to think why on earth didn't I quit while I was ahead?!? Or I have made a mistake.

SuperBeagle Fri 18-Aug-17 08:14:18

I'm an only child and very happy about it. I wouldn't have had the opportunities in life that I did if I'd had a sibling (for financial reasons), and I'm far closer with my mum than any of my other friends are with theirs. I'm not convinced that that would be the same if I'd had a sibling.

3luckystars Fri 18-Aug-17 08:21:04

If it's any help to you, someone once said to me that 'not deciding, is deciding'

So if you do nothing, the decision will be made for you. That felt very uncomfortable for me so it helped me to decide.

I think lots of people have that record playing in their head about having another baby, and there is only one cure for it.

Take it off the table until Christmas, and free your mind of all the noise. Think how you would feel if the decision was taken away from you and you didn't have a choice, then how do you feel.

Good luck!

Soci Fri 18-Aug-17 08:30:30

I'm currently pregnant with my second and it took me a long time to decide if I want to try for a second child. My list was pretty identical to yours. I guess what made me decide in favour, was that I wanted my ds to have that friendship / support that siblings can offer each other. Also, quite selfishly, the thought of what if something happened to ds.

Mrstumbletap Fri 18-Aug-17 20:35:30

3luckystars that is very good advice

Soci i forgot, that is another one of my reasons, losing DS. I worry about that far too frequently than I'm sure is normal.

moomoo85 Sun 20-Aug-17 20:11:30

We have just decided to try for a second (DS is 3). For a long time when he was younger I struggled with the thought of having a second. Now we have had a period of a bit more stability I feel ready (or as ready as I can). I love the idea of my son having a Sibling to play with and I would love to have a tiny baby again.

I guess I would ask what is your heart telling you (corny I know). As I am not sure this can be a purely logical decision.

sonlypuppyfat Sun 20-Aug-17 20:18:12

I'm an only child, I loved my parents very much but when I compare my childhood with my own children I was very lonely. And now my dad's gone and I am everything to my mum, and that's quite difficult

Mrstumbletap Sun 20-Aug-17 21:43:26

I confided my thoughts with one of my friends and she said exactly the same, what does your heart say and what does your head say?

My head says - don't be silly, quit while you are ahead, life is simple now don't ruin it, you're rubbish when you are tired, what if it affects our marriage because we are so stressed and tired, what if you can't cope with drops offs and getting 2 ready for school, you will never have time for yourself again etc

My heart says- if I can love another one as much as I love my son that will be incredible, babies are really cute, I think I would better this time round less anxious in the baby stage etc

Look how many more head thoughts there are sad

Sorry I am poring out my soul to you, I feel like I want someone to tell me what to do and I know you can't.

3luckystars Mon 21-Aug-17 01:29:38

Yeah but the second one weighs more!

Of course you are worried about it, it's a bit overwhelming when you know the reality of having a baby. It's hard work! I think you are getting closer to a decision.

You will, in time, look at that 'head list' and start crossing them off,
* yeah, so what.
* No that's just fear talking.
* You survived the tiredness last time.
* Yeah but what if it's great? I can't imagine a world without my son.
* Other people manage, I can too.
* What good is 'time to myself' when I can't shut this eternal effing record off
* Etc.

I know it's hard to believe but having another baby might be totally lovely.

What you have now is experience and you didn't have that with your son and you still did grand.

I think you are getting there, you just need more time to accept what your heart is telling you to do. Good luck!

Mayhemmumma Mon 21-Aug-17 09:12:03

Another child means more work and more exhaustion but also more love and fun.

Fekko Mon 21-Aug-17 09:14:55

the best gift you can give a child (if you are able) is a sibling

As someone born to be the 'pet sister' - I say 'do bog off'. That is a shitty reason to have a child.

Mrstumbletap Mon 21-Aug-17 16:15:46

Oh I completely agree fekko, my sister and I were never close when we were young, certainly not as teenagers and we are not particularly close as adults.

So my/our decision would be completely selfish and because we do or don't want another one ourselves.
*
3luckystars* oh my, I hadn't even thought of
What good is 'time to myself' when I can't shut this eternal effing record off. That is very true.

But then today I had a child free day as he was at nursery and I had a rare day to myself and it was blissful. I wouldn't get that with two......

Dina1234 Mon 21-Aug-17 16:35:39

I think that if you are able to have another child you definitely should. I would really love to have a sibling to share my joys and troubles with especially as I have little family left (just my father and grandmother). But if you are not equipped financially or emotionally to deal with a second child then that second child may become a burden on your first or vice versa.

BooseysMom Thu 24-Aug-17 07:48:01

Hi MrsTumbletap ... What a fab name!! . .. I'm in the same position as you in that i'm driving myself crazy too trying to decide. I also have a DS and also like you worry more than is normal about the worse happening especially with so much bad stuff reported in the news. We haven't actually decided to stop at one but because i'm 45 i don't have time on my side and its prob already too late although i am def still ovulating. .my eggs might not be viable and i don't know how to find out if they still are...Anyway you have time on your side. I'd say don't worry and leave it to good old mother nature. Don't take any contraception. I haven't been on anything for about 8 years and conceived at 40. I think if we don't have another DS will be extra special and there's no guarantees if he had a sibling that they'd even get on or stay in touch when they get older. I wish you all the best whatever you decide ..if you do!! Xx

Fortunatepiggy Thu 24-Aug-17 07:58:47

I'm in exactly the same position too but I'm 40. I decide and undecide every day! I have given myself a deadline of the end of this year to see how I feel. Ds starts school in September and I think this will be a crossroads for me.

I am annoyed with myself because I feel like I can't move on/ properly enjoy my life until I make this decision

I also feel like I am copping out of actually making a decision by doing nothing about it until maybe it's too late.

My dh is happy with our little family but would have another if I really wanted it

The problem is I don't know if I do!

Good luck!

BooseysMom Thu 24-Aug-17 15:30:52

Hi Fortunate, nice to know others out there are feeling the same! I also decide and un-decide every day which is why now i'm leaving it to mother nature. How were you when you had your ds? I was awful as i always said i'd never have any! Then when we sort of started ttc and we'd been together for years ..it was never the right time and we couldn't afford our own house so i resigned myself to it not happening ..then had 2 mc's at 6- 8 wks then it finally happened at 40!! I was too scared to dtd that often and i was lucky it happened. Now i'm in the same place as before ..too scared to dtd! I don't want to regret it if we don't try. DH wants it more than me and it was him putting fears and doubt in my mind.
I wish you luck too whatever happens

heateallthebuns Thu 24-Aug-17 15:47:46

Life is easy with one
Get my own time (DH does too)
Have time for my career

The above would only be disrupted temporarily with having another child. When they're both at school you'll get those things back.

I personally think your time with child would not be affected adversely by one extra child. They'll have the benefits of time with siblings and not the potential negatives of total devotion from parents.

However, it's a personal decision - maybe you should weight the pros and cons as some may be more important to you than others.

Fortunatepiggy Fri 25-Aug-17 13:59:26

Hi booseysmum

Yes I'm glad I'm not the only one! I am going to sit down and have a proper chat with dh this weekend and then decide by end sept after ds starts school.

I can imagine how you feel leaving it to nature! I would be scared to dtd too so that's why I think we have to be 100 percent committed to the consequences if we go down that route. Also with my age I need to discuss with dh whether we could cope if we had a disabled child twins or miscarriages ..

I agree it's only temporary and the past 4 years have flown by but it's so hard when it's just getting easier and I'm getting my life back.

Doesn't help that we aren't massively flush and we have no family support locally

Xx

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