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So lost

(6 Posts)
user1493292590 Fri 26-May-17 10:03:18

Hi guys, am so confused and lost. I have one child after a long struggle of ivf, miscarriages etc. He is now 8, we have been waiting for an adopted child for nearly 2 yrs, had a bad experience a month ago of foster to adopt and it all went wrong. My son has taken it very badly, and I feel guilty. Am struggling to accept I will only ever have one child, feel like I have let my son down and messed with his feelings. One minute I am looking for a job as i new to want to earn some money and the next minute I am thinking and hoping that another child (adoption) will come out way. Just struggling to come to terms with having just one child. Anyone been through anything similiar ?

BuffyTy Wed 28-Jun-17 09:09:00

I'm so sorry to hear how tough your story has been. Mine is rather different and I don't profess to have the answers, but hopefully hearing that someone else is trying to deal with similar issues will at least help you feel not alone.

Fortunately I had my DD, now nearly 10, easily. We had a tough first year with her in and out of hospital, but health wise all is fine now. Due to that and the subsequent, but unrelated, spells of depression my DH had, we decided not to have another child. Well, we both agreed during the first year, then I changed my mind, but due to his illness, he didn't. By the time DD was 5, I was longing for another but found it hard to even discuss it given what DH was going through on and off. However, it brewed within me and whilst it seemed that everyone around me was having child no.2 or 3, I eventually brokedown and explained that 'I was simply wasn't done' and that whilst I rationally understood how lucky I was to have one beautiful child, I wanted to be someone else's mum too and provide a sibling. After much discussion, we went down the ICSI route as in the intervening period, DD also had a medical issue which resulted in secondary infertility. It was a 'one time only' deal, which going into, I knew one of us wanted it to work, and one didn't. You can imagine the pressure and negative emotion......so when it failed, I was distraught and he was relieved. To his credit, he did ask if I wanted to do another round but emotionally it was too soon and raw. Three years later, I am still grieving for my loss (that is what it feels like) and almost every day, I think about only having one and the implications. After having some coaching / counselling, I've learnt to focus on the positives and am gradually healing. The really difficult parts are when my DD, who is a highly sensitive and deep thinking child, reacts to situations emotionally which I just know would have been helped my having a sibling around. The guilt then, is horrendous.

But, little by little, I am learning to accept things as they are. I watch the news and see horrors unfold and am grateful for what I have. We have a comfortable life, travel and do lovely things together as a unit of 3, plus our pets are expanding as substitute children!!! I suppose all I can say, is that some days will continue to be painful, but others are full of joy. That's life as they say.

I genuinely wish you well in your journey and hope you find peace.

user1493292590 Wed 28-Jun-17 15:39:41

Oh my goodness, your story has made me cry. You have been through loads and thankyou for sharing. I am struggling, don't know what I will do. Am not ready to give up, but I guess there are loads of things in the background telling me I should. Thankyou xxx

BuffyTy Sat 01-Jul-17 17:34:26

Thanks for your words - just hearing someone acknowledge what I've been through has been hugely helpful. Thank you once again.

I really feel for you and its horrid to hear that you're struggling. How is your son doing? Are you getting support from loved ones around you? Are you still hoping for adoption and if so, have you had any indication of the probability of this?

Thinking of you, x

user1493292590 Sun 02-Jul-17 21:17:51

Hi BuffyTy, my son is doing better, I so want to adopt as I really want another child. Social workers are still looking for us, but it's a long wait. Am not sure how much longer we will wait, I don't want to give up. I want it for me and I want it for my son. Not a great deal of support from those around us, I don't think they understand. Don't think they understood the amount of IVF try's I did, had comments from certain people about just getting on with your life. I couldn't then and suppose I can't now.
I think you are very brave in the way you are moving forward. Don't think I am xx

BuffyTy Sun 09-Jul-17 09:35:56

If it helps, my daughter says she's pleased she doesn't have a brother or sister - whether she's convinced herself of this subconsciously or whether she truly feels this I don't know, but it warms my heart when she says that she loves having me all to herself!

I know what you mean when you say others don't understand - after I told people about our IVF but said I was stills struggling a few years later, some seem surprised that I hadn't 'got over it' - and yes, they were the ones with multiple kids!

I'm not sure bravery has much to do with it - I think you get to a point when she do just have to get on with it. It still means that days are hard, but it just gets a little easier to cherish what you have even more. I went round to a friend's house last night who has a 3 year old and a new baby - I expected to get upset, but actually it was good medicine to see grumpy kids and hear about constantly broken nights!

I'm really thinking of you and hope it gets better bit by bit whether you are lucky enough to adopt or stay as your family as is now. You've obviously got a lot of love to give....so just remember that you'll do this amazingly whatever your family size.xxx

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