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Only one due to infertility - did you find peace and how ?

(17 Posts)
Hula2 Wed 10-May-17 22:12:08


I m 42, struggled for 2yrs to have ds who is now nearly 6. Have been trying with the whole range of medical intervention to have another for nearly 4yrs and now we agreed its just natural conception or not at all....

Since this is looking increasingly unlikely i m trying to find a way to face this reality and in some way find peace with it.

Is there anyone who s been through this and come out the other side where they didn t manage to have a 2nd despite all their efforts ?

Did you find a way to make peace with it and stop it being an ever present sadness in the back of your mind ?

Any advice you be greatly appreciated.

ItMustBeTuesday Wed 10-May-17 22:41:39


I'm in a similar position. We have one child but I was always desperate for at least one more. Two years of trying and 3 awful losses and some complicated genetic issues later we've been told if we want another we will have to do ivf.

If you'd have asked me this question 2 years ago I'd have told you I'd rather die than have to carry on unable to have another child. The aching and the longing for another was unbearable.

We decided for my mental health (during trying and afterwards I was extremely depressed) and the happiness of our family we'd have a whole year off from trying and have a whole year where it wasn't an issue. We hadn't decided to stop trying completely we just 'put a pin it in' for a year. We also decided that we'd make this year as positive as possible. We made sure we had something to look forward to every month - we've done big things like going to Disney world or small silly things like a midnight feast where we had picnic in the living room and played games. We've done city breaks and days out and had days where we've all stayed in bed watching tv and doing colouring in. I found a list of 'days to celebrate with your child' such as world penguin day, eat ice cream for breakfast day and dance like a chicken day. We've celebrated them all. We have absolutely made the most of our amazing family. I've also really focussed on myself, I've been running and exercising lots. I've started doing yoga. I see my friends more. I read more. Me and DP started doing more as a couple - date nights etc.

I'm so glad we decided to 'put a pin it in' for a year. I finally have perspective on the whole situation. I have my mental health back! I feel so different about it now than I did two years ago. I now don't want another, I love our family just the way it is. It's perfect with just the three of us. There are so so many advantages to being an only child. I don't even feel guilty about it anymore (the guilt was something that used to really bother me). I know that my mental health wouldn't survive another loss so we've decided that DP will be getting a vasectomy. And I really am completely at peace with that decision.

I hope this long rambling makes sense and helps a little. Life can be really shit at times flowersflowersflowers

Hula2 Wed 10-May-17 23:16:29

Tuesday thank you so much for your reply and so sorry for your difficult times. It s very comforting to know that it is possible to feel so strongly about having another and then come out of the otherside without one and still find happiness.

Thank you too for some good ideas. I do try to really take advantage of the pros of just having one eg holidays, skiing together, days out etc and it definetly helps so will look into some of your other suggestions. I also think get back some things i can enjoy for myself like running would be good too. However at my age and low amh i m realistic if i say that we re taking a break it will actually be stopping so i think thats making it harder to face as its so final, so over....

We are happy as a family of three and a part of me is actually quite scared of damaging that if i finally fell pregnant but had complications, a traumatic loss or a child with special needs. Its like a horrible catch 22 where i want to be at peace with stopping but haven t quite got there and i do worry that only the menopause will do it and then i ll have overshadowed 10+years of my life with infertility struggles.

Did you try any counselling? I haven t and its never really appealled but wondered if it would be helpful.

Thanks again for your reply and so glad you found peace.

Iamastonished Wed 10-May-17 23:21:41

It took me 17 years to conceive DD, and I would have liked her to have had a sibling, but it never happened. She is now 16 and has had some serious health issues over the years, and is currently being treated for anxiety and depression. Coupled with exam stresses of GCSEs last year and AS levels this year, I am pretty thankful that I only ended up with one child.

I don't know how parents of larger families deal with all the stress of exams year after year.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome Thu 11-May-17 14:59:02

Iamstonished just by digging dig deep, and tapping into resources that are probably always there, but only reveal themselves when you most need them.

It's a universal parenting thing...before you had DD, you may well have looked at someone dealing with the situation you find yourself in and thought how does that woman manage all that worry? But when you're in the thick of it, you just do cope!

Hope your DD is OK flowers

user1493292590 Fri 12-May-17 16:50:52

Hi, I am struggling with the same thing. after 10 yrs and six goes of ivf I had my son when I was 40. I am now 48, have been approved for adoption been waiting over 2 yrs only to find us in a foster to adopt placement that never happened but proved to be very distressing especially for my son. We are now nearly I think at the end of our adoption route, I don't think I can give much more to it. I feel emotionally drained. I feel so so guilty that I have put my son through this and I feel that I have let him down. It doesn't feel right to me to just have one but I think I have to accept it for my own sanity.l but it hurts very much. I so want to push another pushchair around! Crazy, I am so grateful for my son but life can be so cruel. Xx

Jimminicrick Sat 13-May-17 21:14:35

Hi hula,
Sorry you are going through this. I'm in the same position - last year finally had to admit defeat after three rounds of failed ivf. I'm 44 now. DS is 4.
Long story short, I had counselling in the end after coming close to emotional breaking point. I couldn't begin to explain to DH my intense desire for a baby. I would just cry or get angry.
The counsellor really helped me talk through the grief and conflicting emotions. I've gone from feeling like the pain will never end to seeing a future where I can enjoy us as a family of three and simply get on with life, although I'm not sure I'll ever be 100% 'over it' and the pain lingers.
One thing that really helped was that I realised recently that all of DS peers now have a sibling or one on the way. By the end of this year I won't have to endure any more pg/baby announcements! Felt like such a relief when I realised that.
The other thing that's helped me let go is I've accepted that the chances of us conceiving naturally are close to zero. I still have regular periods and 'feel' fertile but my age, DH's age and my endo means it would be a flipping miracle. So I'm no longer clinging to a slim hope and that's also been a release.
Hope you do find some peace. I found I really needed that outlet to express my feelings. My head was a real mess. It does get better though.

Hula2 Sat 13-May-17 23:06:01

Iamastonished - sorry your daughter is having a hard time, it must be very difficult but i can see being able to focus your energeries 100% on her must be a benefit of not having other dcs that need you too. I hope things start to get a bit easier for you both.

Gosh user that sounds very stressful. I would consider adoption if i had no children but with ds i would worry about the effect it could have on him so its not a route we could go. After the struggles to have ds i thought i would nt stress about another but just if it happened then great but if not then it wouldn t matter but I totally didn t account for the strong desire to give him the opportunity of a sibling relationship. I always thought i would have two and nearly did but miscarried a naturally conceived pregnancy when he was two and now nothing for 3yrs. It s really hard and i feel like when it's finally over i ll suddenly realise i m 50 and i spent all those prime years of my life living in 2wk blocks of hope and disappointment.... Oh and I completely get the wanting to push a buggy around again !

Jimminicrick - thank you, thats really helpful to know counselling helped and i have been considering it as as you say i think men struggle to really get it which makes talking about it to them difficult (dh would be completely fine with just ds although is supportive of trying for another). I guess it just finding a good one you click with.

Sorry you ve all gone through this and i m glad there s hope that it does get easier eventually.

usedtorun Mon 15-May-17 20:15:59

This is a great thread.

I've just had confirmation of my 2nd miscarriage and have also had an ectopic pregnancy, all in the last year. I already have a DD3 and DSS10 however I'd love one more. However after the last year or so, I just don't know if I have it in me to keep trying (I realise it is all still very raw for me, but prior to becoming pregnant this time I said this would be the last) however I don't know if I can get over there never being one more.

My DH is happy either way and will let me decide. The losses have affected me far more than him.

I think I like the idea of leaving it for an amount of time and try to enjoy ourselves then think about in 6 months or so. I actually think I'll feel relieved not to think about it for a while.

Well done to those of you who have managed to make peace with you situation, also thank you for sharing you wisdom

PercyPeanuts Mon 22-May-17 20:14:31

It's very hard isn't it, not least as we all know how lucky we are to have one child. It took us three rounds of IVF and two miscarriages before we had our child. We decided to do two more rounds of IVF, trying for a sibling, both of which were unsuccessful. I didn't feel ready to stop so we did yet another round which, again, was unsuccessful. I think I knew during that last round that I couldn't do it again either emotionally or physically.

Having had a very prem baby I was also worried about potentially having another, any complications with a second baby, and the impact on the child we have.

Shortly after that last round two good friends lost their babies at term and it put things very much into focus for me.

If a miracle happened I would be thrilled but if I am being honest, pretty daunted, as we've settled pretty well (I hope) into the positive aspects of being 'just' three. That said, I won't pretend that a friend of mine announcing her third pregnancy recently didn't smart a bit...

Graceflorrick Mon 22-May-17 20:21:09

I'm over the desire for another, it took years though. Good luck OPflowers

Mehfruittea Mon 22-May-17 20:36:29

I'm with you OP. It took 5 yrs and 2 rounds of IVF to conceive DS. I became disabled after giving birth and discovered I have a rare genetic condition. I live with chronic pain and yet the desire for a sibling won't leave me. We went right through the adoption process, foster to adopt, but stopped short of being matched. DS is 5 now, going in to Y1. I think I am just starting to accept him being a singleton and enjoy the advantages. But it hurts like hell as well.

Hulababy Mon 22-May-17 20:44:14

Im 44y. Dd is 15y and was a good couple of years or so of TTC. We tried for a long time after, form her being 2y. I had a couple of smallish ops, some major hormone treatment and then Clomid over a period of around a year or so. But nothing. We decided against IVF type treatment int he end and decided to leave it to fate. We dd actively TTC for a good while too. But nothing, not even an inking or vague sign. I guess with time it has just become the fact that we will only have one chid. Im not sure when I eventually felt at peace with that. Even now I get the odd tinge about it. But the reality is I am now 44y and DD is a teen. The time has passed now. Although we still do nothing about preventing a pregnancy it would be a huge shock these days (well more of a shock than that and not sure it is really what we would want now, though if it did happen we would deal with the shock and get on with it) and tbh I do sometimes wonder if we should consider DH going and having the op to ensure it doesn't happen - just in case. I just can't bring myself to do it.

doginthepond Mon 22-May-17 20:46:48

I has secondary infertility and 4 miscarriages. I ached for a second child and it consumed me...the trying / testing / thinking / crying. Before we could get to the bottom of it, I was diagnosed with a serious illness which saving my life, led me to be infertile.

Because the choice was taken out of my hands, I felt like the weight lifted and I could move on. No more trying / testing / thinking, just getting on with our lives as a family of 3 and we are SO much happier for moving on. I feel like we can get on with our lives and stop putting things on hold or thinking 'when/if'. I don't even think about what life would be like with another, it just feels right the way we are and this only happened 18 months ago. It's a revalation!

mayhew Sun 28-May-17 22:36:50

After having my DD at 32, I never had a successful pregnancy. Many first trimester miscarriages and an eventual diagnosis of anti phospholipid syndrome.

I gave up hoping by 42-43. It was a painful 10 years.

However, there is an upside. We've travelled more than we could have done with two or more. We are much better off, no mortgage, and early retirement is gradually becoming a reality. My pension is reasonable because I've worked more. And we put our Dd through university without her having any debt.

She is a joy and we feel very lucky to have her in our life. Many of our friends are childless.

CosySnuggles Wed 28-Mar-18 21:50:48

I know this is an old thread, but if any of the previous posters are around- thank you so much for sharing your stories. Finding this thread has helped me enormously 😊

I'm just recovering from my most recent miscarriage and after years of ivf and subsequent losses, I think the time has come to stop.

We have a 5 year old ds from our very first round of ivf. Like everyone above, the desire to have a second has always been unshakable and our journey to have him, while not exactly easy was not too awful, so back on the ivf train we went...

I don't know what has changed this time but after this miscarriage, instead of the overwhelming, desperate, desire to be pregnant again, I just don't want to.

I suddenly want my life back. I want to be happy again. Not to mention enjoy my wonderful husband and son.
I'm not sure quite how I'm going to achieve that yet, but you've given me some great ideas to get started.

ScipioAfricanus Fri 06-Apr-18 15:11:45

I’ve found this forum so helpful over the last few years. This thread is lovely and I’m glad to have heard everyone’s story though sorry for anyone for whom things haven’t gone as they should have done.

I’ve got one DS (aged 7) and go through phases of acceptance and phases of being incredibly sad (and bitter). It’s helped to read this today. I think I need to do more of the things we can do well as a family of three and actively notice all the positives (such as today when DS is playing well on is own and I can be a bit sad and mopey or look after myself (as I have chronic illness which makes me tired) rather than have a younger child to contend with, for example).

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