considering a second

(14 Posts)
WhimsicalWinnifred Sun 24-Jul-16 21:08:14

Hi everyone. I did post earlier today in chat but it went horribly wrong with most posters saying my dp is controlling and I should leave him. Which is hilarious if you knew him and our relationship but it is what it is. Firstly, it probably helps to explain that we have an incredibly open relationship. Honesty is key. Feelings are valid and to be talked about even if it is not what we want to hear. For us it means we can work together to get our relationship where we want it. For now we are in a good place with the usual issues and peaks and troughs.

So, last night dp stated that if we are to have another kid we should do it quite soon. DD starts school and turns 5 in september. If left too long the age gap will be too big.

I am an only child and wanted lots of children as I felt it was a lonely when friends went home and I longed for a sibling. Then I had one. It was stressful and terrifying. I didn't know if I could do it again but would like another. I feel I don't need another child to make our family complete (my mum never shuts up about wanting more kids and feeling her life isn't complete. Openly saying I wasn't enough. DD is perfectly enough. She is everything)

Anyway he pipes up saying he doesn't want another kid but is happy to have one as he knows it's what I've always wanted. He is however nervous that we will not cope with having another well. It was really hard the first time and it probably would be again. He is happy as we are and does not want to have another child which makes me really fat (I binge eat and am currently being referred to the specialist eating team to deal with it. Gained 30kg when pregnant as I saw no reason to stop. Lost most of it but not the overweight I already was and I've recently gained 10kg since January because I've got worse again) and miserable because two kids is stressful and then lose all of it because he walks away because he can't take it anymore. He's a realist. Sometimes love isn't enough.

I am scared of the stress splitting us up and as we both work full time that we would be crippled financially by two childcare bills. DDs childcare is about to go down but it will still be 500 odd a mon th.

So do I stick with what I know and am safe with and happy or risk losing it at the chance to make us really unhappy for two years and then magical for thw rest of time if we make it?

I think these are standard worries for someone having another child. According to my other thread it's not and I need to ltb.

ppandj Sun 24-Jul-16 21:21:27

This issue seems to be more than just how many children you have. How do you feel mentally and emotionally? Do you think this has impacted other areas than just your eating? Personally, I think it sounds like he isn't very supportive of you in regards to the binge eating, but I haven't seen your other thread so I'm only going off the snippet in this one. I wonder if you would benefit from some counselling or therapy to explore and address some of the issues, then you could make a decision.

ppandj Sun 24-Jul-16 21:22:41

Also it sounds like he is blackmailing you into not having one?

cheminotte Sun 24-Jul-16 21:30:14

Are you getting any kind of counselling?
I was worried about having a second dc as I had PND with dc1. DP was worried too. I came up with a plan to make it easier - go and stay at my mum's for a week after DP's paternity leave ended, self refer to Home Start (who were brilliant) and keep dc1 at nursery 3 days / week so I didn't have to cope with 2 kids all the time. I planned to have 6 - 9 months off but ended taking over a year as I was enjoying it so much.
He certainly shouldn't be saying he might leave if it gets too difficult.

WhimsicalWinnifred Sun 24-Jul-16 21:44:52

Thanks for replying guys.

I'm only starting the process for my eating so should get counselling or whatever help is deemed appropriate.

He is supportive in the way that he cooks healthy balanced meals for me every day so I have them available. He talks to me about eating, nutrition., the things that stress me, exercises that work best. Really supporting me doing that but is harsh when I do eat loads but we have discussed that I need that. I need him to say it's not ok rather than better luck tomorrow. The other thread saw that as tracking and monitoring my eating. Controlling it. Which is funny because no one can control it. Thats part of the problem. He doesn't see how bad it is because I do a lot of it secretly.

It is a realistic view that if things get bad in a relationship, it may get to the point where you want to leave. Hrs not using it as a threat, as blackmail or to control. He's simply saying there is an increase of risk. It could happen anyway.

WhimsicalWinnifred Mon 25-Jul-16 13:54:44

I can't stop thinking about this. I don't want to throw away my last chance at amother baby but everything is so happy now and I don't want to mess that up. Such a hard decision.

MyKingdomForBrie Mon 25-Jul-16 14:09:18

Why is this your last chance? If now is not the right time for your mental health then it just isn't, sibling age gaps etc are not relevant to that.

WhimsicalWinnifred Mon 25-Jul-16 19:12:16

It's not my mental health. It's our happiness as a family that's stopping me.

It's last chance because I want to have them close and I want to be able to still be young enough after they are adults to live a good life travelling the world or doing whatever we like before health problem set in. Now would be ok for that to still happen but much later and I'll just spend my whole adult life looking after kids which isn't what I want really. That sounds harsh wjen I write it down but it's not meant to be.

Dozer Mon 25-Jul-16 19:17:07

It doesn't sound like the two of you are in a good position to have a second DC because of your MH and relationship problems.

WhimsicalWinnifred Mon 25-Jul-16 19:21:51

Our relationship is spot on. In a great place but it took work to get here. That's why I am cautious to stir things up.

I also think my mental health is fine. Not sure where this has come from. OK I binge eat but I'm not making myself sick, I'm not self harming or psychotic. I'm working on the eating and once it clicks everything will be fine. I'm not talking about getting pregnant tonight but in a few months once I'm physically healthier.

Dozer Tue 26-Jul-16 06:50:12

So the relationship is lovely and all those posters on your other thread (haven't seen it) were all wrong?

gaining 60lbs when pregnant sounds like a significant health risk, and you say you still have the eating disorder.

You mention financial difficulties. And report that your DP states that he fears he would leave you if the going got tough with two DC.

DropYourSword Tue 26-Jul-16 06:58:02

I could be wrong here, but it seems that the only reason you want a second is to provide a sibling and therefore companionship to your first. I don't think that's a strong enough reason! She can have a good social life and have plenty of friends. I accept that some siblings can be really close, but it seems to me that the vast majority bicker and fight far more than play nicely. I couldn't stand my sister most of the time when we were growing up and we still don't really get on now as grown ups.
If you're happy with the way things currently are, I wouldn't change it, if I were in your position.

RegretRegret Tue 26-Jul-16 07:31:03

OP, some of what you say rigs warning bells, but other parts resonate with me because I felt desperately that I wanted a second child in the long-term, but also struggled terribly with a hard first child and my own physical health. He was hard because he had silent reflux which stopped him sleeping and speech problems for the first 3 years of life, and although we did sign language it was pretty hard going until he was better and could finally talk. By this time we were on our knees and scared to have another. I have multiple sclerosis so get desperately tired with the neuro-fatigue, as well as battle with physical symptoms that make daily life extremely hard. On paper it made no sense to have a second but emotionally I felt I was grieving the child I would never have.

I would ask other people how they coped with two instead of one, and I remember one in-law telling me that "of course they had two, otherwise it would have been selfish". At first I was angry because I felt I wasn't being selfish, but more sensible given the circumstances.

Many people who grew up as only children said they'd been fine, but I still had a nagging doubt, and it was the only children who reported wishing for a sibling all their life that I felt fed something in me, in my decision-making process. I suppose you could say they were telling me what I wanted to hear. The final crunch was a woman with MS who had grown up with her Mum seriously ill with MS too, and she said she had been really grateful for a sibling to share the worry over their sick Mum. That was it for me!

I fell pregnant with my second and lo and behold had another child with silent reflux and sleeplessness. Physically it was really hard again, and I relapsed again too. My husband took me to relate because he was unhappy and we nearly didn't make it. But the second child is growing and becoming easier, and I kept myself going with the knowledge that one day they will both be in school, then work, then they will be adults that are part of my family and not just very dependent children sapping all my strength.

They fight and I have to steer them into learning to share and to use words before fists, but they also love each other fiercely and those moments are precious. I am so glad we had a sibling for the first, the type of personality he is would have meant he pined for another person in the house. In our circumstances it is better because there is less pressure to always be out on play-dates with school friends, something I struggled with doing too much of physically, due to MS.

If you and your husband parted in the future even without a second child, would you wish you had two anyway or would you be weak with relief that you stopped at one? People have two children and split up then meet someone else, some people stay single when they split up. There's no knowing what your future will be. I would dare to suggest you should decide what's right for you irrespective of a man, because men come and go but your decisions don't . That said, I'm sure you'll survive having two and you'll make a success of having one as well, so what I'm saying is, either way isn't the end of the world. Sometimes life just happens and doesn't always turn out how we expect.

Also, part of choosing to do what's right for you means getting your health sorted. You won't have a comfortable pregnancy if you're carrying all that extra weight, and whether you have one or two children, you'll be better off finding a way to control your eating. I wish you luck with that.

Certainly having any new addition to the family brings a huge amount of strain on any relationship, even a good one, but it sounds from what you say that yours already has quite a few cracks in it already so it would be easy to think you have an increased risk.

Sorry if any of my honesty has hurt, that is not my intention at all. But there's no other way to be helpful other than to say it as it is. flowers

LalaLeona Sun 07-Aug-16 10:04:31

Op I disagree with previous posters in that I DO think having another child as a companion for your first child is a good enough reason to have another child. Even if they don't get on always you will know you gave them the opportunity, and also they may get on later in life as adults. Having an only child is so wonderful and rewarding but only if you are completely happy with your decision. Once doubts start eating away at you about a second child I think you have to go with your instinct. You will manage if you have to.

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