Hi ladies
So I am 39 next week, have a gorgeous ds aged 3, who is a delight but has never been a good sleeper which has caused DH and I lots of stress over the last 3 years. Now things are starting to get a bit better and I have started to think about whether we should have another ( most of my friends had their seconds when first was 2) so I am conscious I have left it a bit late and one of the main reasons people have another child is to provide a companion/playmate for their child and I worry that even if I got pregnant tomorrow ( unlikely given age) that DS1 will be 4 before DC2 is born so will they play together anyway?
I am also starting to get my life back a bit. We have no family locally so its been a struggle with lack of sleep and when he is ill ( I work part time in a fairly demanding job) and I can see that if I went back full time when ds1 starts school next year my career could get back on track quite easily.
I am an only child and never felt lonely so don't feel that as an issue although i recognised it was much harder for my parents and they tried hard to ensure I had lots of friends. DH has an older brother who is not close with so doesnt feel strongly about that issue.
I have chatted with DH who isnt too keen on the idea of another as to be honest we have struggled massively so far with our relationship and the constant tiredness and who is more tired/ whose job is more important/ who has had the hardest day crap.
But he says that if I really want another he will agree.
That conversation didnt really help as now I feel that all the pressure is on me to make the decision and I worry:-
that if we are lucky enough to conceive ( and i recognise this decision may already have been made for me and may be academic) that I will not love another child as much as DS
that given my age there might be health issues with the baby
that DS will resent me / new baby and our relationship will change
that we wont have enough money ( we earn ok on paper but never have enough money at the end of the month)
that DH and I wont be able to cope and will end up divorcing ( something we have seriously got close to in the last 3 years)
So everything is leading to a no but i am also worried that I will get to 40 something and regret not having another and it may be too late. Also when I said to DH that it probably should be a no given all of the above and he agreed I felt desperately sad and since then cant stop thinking about it and looking at mums with toddlers and babies and wondering whether that really is the right decision for us.
Anyone else felt like this? I wish I had the luxury of time to see how i felt in a year but Im worried that will be too late
thanks
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Dithering about having a second child ( and I dont have the luxury of time to dither!)
Fortunatepiggy · 04/04/2016 22:18
Hi OP, another one who's EXACTLY in your position.
We have many many many extremely good reasons for sticking with just the one but I too worry about making a 'choice' to do so as it feels as if I am deliberately depriving DD of an opportunity to have a sibling (as opposed to being forced to only have one through infertility etc, which I know is absoutely devastating but isn't the 'choice' issue the OP, and others on here, are struggling with).
I too don't have the luxury of time. In fact in about a year's time I am definitely past my own personal cut-off point (41) and I don't want to feel I have sort of slept-walked towards having only the 1. It's too big a thing to just accidentally end up NOT doing iyswim.
On the other hand, I obsess about it all the time so I'm not really sleep-walking!!
On good days, I can tell myself that it's not that I am depriving DD of anything but in fact facilitating all kinds of things for her that wouldn't be possible with a sibling. The most important one, by far, being a calm(ish) mother who isn't at the end of her tether. Stressing out about how to afford two children... having to move house and area... I don't think I would be a very good mum to more than one as I find I am able to manage my natural impatience extremely well when it is just one of them, but I know I'd be quite different with two sets of competing demands.
On bad days, all I can think about is DD one day when DH and I are old/ill/dying 
having to cope all alone and feeling like she is the only one left of our small-but-perfect family.
Iit's horrible to think that way and I makes me realise why some parents are so aggressive about those who choose to only have one (I have found this to be the case) because it's SO comforting to think that one day your children will be there for each other. Nobody wants to think that maybe their children might flal out, hate each other's guts or move to the opposite side of the world and never see each other, although these things do happen. Because there is SUCH security, albeit possibly only imagined to an extent, in feeling that your children will always have that SOMEONE. People who have criticised us for only sticking with one (probably) are very vocal about this and I don't think they mean to be hurtful. I can see that it must feel wonderful to have that 'security'.
But there are no guarantees, and as I say, I know many adult siblings who genuinely loathe each other. Yes, it's not the norm for sure but it certainly happens. So I can ease up on a bit of the guilt on myself!!
I do wish btw that people wouldn't come onto Only Child threads where people are specifically anxious about having an only child and use throwaway comments like 'only children are lonely'... I wouldn't go onto a thread on the Large Families board where someone was getting anxious about whether or not to have a 5th child and say 'IME children from large families are overwhelmed by noise and never get enough all-important one-to-one bonding time with a parent...' Because it would be unhelpful and (basically) untrue.
I also felt angry with the throwaway comment 'only children are lonely'. Not the case (could argue about this and explain but can't be bothered, not on this thread).
OP: I am 42, have one DS who is now 7 (product of IVF) and had repeated fertility treatment after that which didn't work so the decision was made for us. So I have an only child. I wanted a second (not for my DS although that perhaps was part of it) but because I had the desire to do it all again. But it wasn't to be.
Also: I have one sister but am very very distant from her. I am much closer to friends who I consider siblings.
If I were you, I'd consider a few things. First, think of your life not in the immediate future but in 10/20 years time. What do you imagine? What is more important to you?
Second, I heard someone once say what made up her mind about getting a dog. She was completely undecided. In the end she thought: what would make for the bigger life? So she got the dog. But for other people the 'bigger life' might mean more travel / more money for hobbies etc (so it's not an obvious answer for each person). What would make your life more meaningful and rich? Think of that.
By the way I could have written your post word to word and I still went ahead and did many rounds of fertility treatment. In my case the answer was that I really would like another life but I also was prepared that it wouldn't work and that I would deal with the loss.
Also wanted to add in case it helps you. Life with one child is great. There are many pros to it that shouldn't be underestimated if that's what you want. It's not a lesser life in anyway. If that's what you want it can and should be embraced and lived to the full. It's not what I wanted (not because I thought it was a lesser life, just because I wanted another child)...but I now have tried to embrace my life with one child and feel grateful for the many many positives it offers.
And no my DS is not at all lonely thank you very much.
Would like another 'child' obviously not another 'life' but I suppose that's a meaningful slip of the tongue! Yes I would have liked more life in the house as I've dearly loved having my DS. I might get a dog eventually 
The thing I hate the most--and I've been told this quite a few times by quite a few 'well meaning' people is that with one child it is not a family, it's only when you have a second child that it's 'a family'. I was even told this (unbelievably) when I was going through fertility treatment to try for a second. A friend (otherwise great person) said that she really worried for me that it wouldn't work (among other reasons) because one child is not really a family and she only felt she had a family when she had her second. I was quite honest to her that I completely disagreed and that I had felt we were a family even when it just me and DH. She did take my point. But there have been many others who have made the same annoying comment over the years!
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Sushi that's awful for your friend.
It's exactly the sort of thing I fear most for DD.
And yy, it's the getting older part that I worry could be harder, too. Obviously what you hope is that by then they are lucky enough to have a partner or children of their own. But the thought of her feeling that she is the only one of our little family left just breaks my heart.
But still, I just don't know if I can do it all again.
Sorry OP to hijack your thread with that.
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