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Anyone had a second just to provide a sibling..?

(14 Posts)
LindsayS79 Mon 04-Apr-16 07:31:25

DD is 3 this July and is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I always said I wanted 2 children but I'm now 37 and after a difficult pregnancy, PND and DD having terrible reflux/difficulty weaning, I don't think I could put myself through the 'baby stage' again.
DH doesn't want another one unless I'm really up for it. The thing that keeps bringing me back to wanting another isn't because I want another baby, but because I would like DD to have a sibling. I know that's not the most valid of reasons to try for another..
Was anyone else in this position and what did you decide to do?!

TooMinty Mon 04-Apr-16 07:53:11

I had two because I wanted two children, and so did my husband. I wouldn't have done it just for DS1. Just because your DD says she wants a sibling doesn't mean she'll enjoy the reality of sharing you. What if she's picturing another girl and you have a boy? What if she's thinking about a cute baby to play with and is driven mad by a small toddler "ruining" her stuff? (Which is the stage my two are at!)

NarcyCow Mon 04-Apr-16 07:58:47

We always thought we wanted a big family. Then I had a similar experience to you - SPD, PND, reflux, and DD just wouldn't sleep. From quite early on, we swore she was going to be an only child. I felt terrrible about it but just couldn't face doing it again.

When DD was 10 months old, she slept properly for about 2 weeks. We felt so amazing after catching up on the lost sleep that we decided to go again and conceived DS. As soon as I was pregnant, DD stopped sleeping again. In the end, she didn't sleep through till she was two, and DS was the same. He had very severe reflux so his baby stage was much more stressful than hers, the hospital were constantly telling us he wasn't feeding enough so not only did we miss out on a lot of sleep but many of my waking hours were spent in tears because I couldn't get him to feed.

It was fairly hellish at times to be honest. I did catch myself thinking that if I'd known it was going to be like that, I wouldn't have had kids.

They're 4 and 5 now, and if I could go back and do it again, I wouldn't change a thing. They have great fun together, they learn so much from each other and they're very much a team. For her sake, I'm very, very glad that we bit the bullet and did it. Plus he's the most sunshiney little person you could ever hope to meet and makes us smile so very much - we wouldn't laugh half as much if he wasn't around.

hugoagogo Mon 04-Apr-16 08:06:52

Yes, we didn't want ds to be an only one. It sounds daft now, but I remember worrying that I couldn't love another baby I was so gaga over ds.grin

Best decision ever, dd is a delight. Not much company for ds at the moment as the y are 13 and 17 and mostly ignore each other.

bingisthebest Mon 04-Apr-16 08:09:01

I have 3 dcs and am the youngest of 4 and I definately wanted my children to experience siblings as I love having siblings even though I'm only really close to one of them I still have the others iykwim.
obviously this is a bit naive as it won't necessarily fall that mine will feel like this.
I think many people have more than 1 child to provide siblings but it has to be right for you also. And I won't be having 4!

ChablisTyrant Mon 04-Apr-16 08:17:05

I did it for the sibling. No other desire to have another child. We've found it easier second time around, but in part this is because we've had a lot of help from a nanny. At 1 and 4 they are brilliant together!

Feelingblue222 Mon 04-Apr-16 08:22:46

Yep, DS now 5 was premature, terrible sleeper, and I had some pnd. I had no urge for another and was terrified of a baby potentially coming even earlier this time. DS and DH both broody for a baby and I felt like I "should" have another.

Currently cuddling my squidgy 7 week old, and so glad I did! He's so far much easier, good sleeper etc and I feel broodier now than I did before he arrived!

BikeRunSki Mon 04-Apr-16 08:25:20

I had a horrible first pg and then emcs, but DS was a lovely baby.

I am the 3rd or 4 children, and I couldn't imagine DS not having siblings when he was an adult, and DH and I were no longer round. TBH I couldn't really imagine him growing up without siblings either. So we did have a second child to give DS a sibling. Another awful pregnancy, crash cs, and colicy non-sleeping baby (until she was 3!). The moment she was born I knew that I didn't want any more children, and have not felt at all broody ever since she was born (4.5 years ago). She is brilliant though! I'm glad we had her, for her, not just as a sibling.

LindsayS79 Mon 04-Apr-16 13:57:57

Thanks everyone. I keep changing my mind which makes me think we should just do it! Although money does play a big part too. We are comfortable just now but if I had another, then DD wouldn't get all the things we can afford to provide now. Wish I had a crystal ball...!

mellybythesea Mon 04-Apr-16 15:08:09

I love DD (9mo) more than anything and I enjoy every second with her, but we have already planned when we will start TTC for a DC2.
I am an only child and while I know it can work for some families and the DC can be very happy, I was incredibly lonely. I am also convinced that it is why I have always struggled to make friends and learn social cues etc.
I would rather have siblings who don't always get on, than one child alone. At least I'll have given them the chance to have someone there other than parents for support and a close friend.

BertieBotts Mon 04-Apr-16 15:13:37

I always wanted a sibling "set" (which isn't at all the right word but YKWIM) but DS turned out to be an only - for now anyway.

He is absolutely fine. He is very social - and demanding of our attention sometimes - but he has totally adapted to being only one. I feel a twinge of sadness when I see/hear people talking about their siblings interacting, and even if I had another baby now, I don't think it would be the same, as he's 7. But it's really gone very smoothly, he was independent enough at 5 to get up and sort himself out in the mornings, which was a huge plus, getting that stage over so fast and we have much more freedom than people who still have little ones as well.

I think I will have more as DH wants more (DH not DS' father hence he is only one) and I'm really hoping that if we do have more that we have two or more so I get the "sibling" experience. But it's not going to happen with DS and I've actually found that it's fine. He has lots of friends, he likes his own company, he likes us. We were thinking of getting a dog as a companion/playmate for him as well, which might be something you could look into?

BarbarianMum Sun 17-Apr-16 19:27:25

Providing a sibling for ds1 wasn't the only reason we had ds2 but it was a big one. Partly so he had company but also because I'm a rather over anxious mother and would probably be rather smothering to an only.

BasinHaircut Thu 21-Apr-16 14:04:23

lindsay I am pretty much in the same situation as you. DS is 3 in the summer and we are planning to start TTC at some point this year.

I always wanted 2, but DS is hard work and so we decided to stick at one. But now we have changed our minds again partly because I think DS would benefit from a sibling and not being the whole centre of our universe.

But it's a tricky one and TBH I'm still not 100% convinced I want another. Or more accurately have the energy! But I looked after my niece and nephew at the weekend (overnight) and it was so much more fun with more kids. Although it did make me sure I never want us to be outnumbered!

Someone said to me once to imagine the dinner table in 5-10 years. Do you imagine 3 of you round it or 4? I imagine 4 and think 3 doesn't seem right.

I know if we don't have another i'll always think 'what if' and possibly regret it. But I don't think I could ever regret having a child once they are here.

I know the mental struggle you are going through. Hope you can find a way smile

LBOCS2 Thu 21-Apr-16 14:10:16

Yes. We had one of ours, plus DSS so I was supremely unfussed about having another. We talked about it for ages and ages, got nowhere with our decision making.

The thing that really swung it for me was DM dying really unexpectedly. My DSis and I really supported each other, and I hated the idea that DD1 would have no one to provide that support when I die. Dd2 was born on Sunday...!

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