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Happy with one?

(33 Posts)
museumum Fri 29-Jan-16 13:52:22

I'm trying to make the final decision if I'm happy with one child. I'm 98% sure I am. Dh is happy but would be approachable if I wanted to discuss a second.
Ds is 2.3 and I'm 39 so now is decision time. Also I'm reacting badly to the pill and considering the coil.

I feel like I am happy with one and that a family of three allows us to balance our time well and all three have hobbies and interests as well as work etc.

I think I'm only wavering due to society's attitudes and the way so many people rave about siblings being the most important thing ever. I only know one family with an only by choice who is around my ds's age.

Also, I know people who had awful pregnancies or births or pnd or difficult babies (colic /reflux) but we had none of that. It's been pretty ideal really so I don't have any "excuse" to not do it again.

So.... Can you help balance things? Can you tell me why you chose one and are happy with that?

Blondiewoman007 Sat 30-Jan-16 10:32:26

Our decision was a mixture of choice and circumstance. I had my DS at 36 having been with my DH since I was 21. We had many happy child free years before TTC but decided when I was around 32 to start trying fur a family. It took us years and we found the process very grueling so we are just happy with what we have and count our blessings. We don't want to start the process again. Plus I didn't have one broody bone in my body!
Combined with my age now (41), the fact my DH is on medication which he would need to stop 6 months before TTC and this would really affect him and the change in work circumstances for my DH we are definitely one and done. Also I am one of 3 and my sister is one of the most negative relationships in my life. She had caused our family so much stress and my mum and I have now cut off contract for the last 5 years. I speak to my DB but we aren't close. My DH's brother had stayed in the US for the last 20 years so no guarantees adult sibling will be close.
We like our life with one child. I recognise that all personalities are different but my DS is suited to being an only as he is very outgoing and confident and makes friends easily. He had loads of friends close by. I'm sure you'll easily find online that the lonely, only stereotype has been debunked many times.
I couldn't personally muster up the strength to go for another child as much as I love my DS I don't think I'm a natural mother who wants to be surrounded by lots of children. The early years are tough I find but with 1 child getting a bit of time to yourself might be a bit easier?? Other mums of two may disagree and say if you have more than one they occupy one another which would be fab. However two would maybe bring more housework, transport to different activities and sibling fighting to referee?? I hope no one reading this takes offence-none was intended. That's just my take on things.
That's not to say our decision has been easy. The media presents an idealised vision of family life I think. Mum, dad one girl and one boy. I felt I was being a terrible mum when I knew deep down we couldn't really be better parents than we were. I had counseling to help me with things and that's been great.
Good luck with your decision. Only you know what's best for your family.

Needmorewine Mon 01-Feb-16 17:01:15

A mix of reasons really, career, finances, our sanity

I suppose when it comes down to it though I just don't have that yearning that I did before we had DD. I feel like I've ticked that box so to speak, now I'm ready to move on with the next stage of our lives. Plus the early days were very tough, I can't say I particularly enjoyed babyhood or the first couple of years. I know a lot of people who have two now, none of them seem particularly happy and are all very vocal about how hard it is. I just don't fancy that !

If we were to have one now it would purely be "for a sibling" callous as that sounds and I don't think that is a good enough reason to bring another child into the world, you only have to look at the relationships board on here to see how fraught sibling relationships can be. If I ever get that yearning again we will reconsider but right now our life is bloody lovely, we have our gorgeous DD, plenty of money and time for her and for ourselves...why would we want to spoil that ? If DD wants a bigger family when she's older she can ahead and have lots of children and I'll gladly help out in between holidays

Only you can make that decision obviously OP but definitely don't be swayed by other people around you. They won't be doing the 1am nightfeed.

museumum Mon 01-Feb-16 19:19:34

Thank you!

Blondiewoman007 Mon 01-Feb-16 19:47:53

Not sure if I made it clear in my post above but I'm more than happy with our family of 3. It's bliss!

museumum Mon 01-Feb-16 19:53:05

grin

Pocketrocket31 Mon 01-Feb-16 19:59:30

1 is enough for me, he's 9 now, being pregnant was horrid, night feeds, sleepless nights. No time to your self, £200+ A week child minders bills. Now he's actually funny and interesting, like my little friend I wouldn't start again. Maybe with a smaller gap I would of considered. Aside from the odd time of being a bad sharer you wouldn't know he was a only child. Very outgoing & Loads of friends.

Lovelydiscusfish Mon 01-Feb-16 20:03:14

I love having one child - it means we have lots of time, energy and money to spend on her. It feels quite civilised, somehow. We're all really happy. I refuse to have another child simply because society appears to expect it!

Arcadia Fri 05-Feb-16 21:18:11

I echo everything above - we are happy as three and our family feels complete. dD(6) knows she is on to a good thing with the attention she gets, but is not spoilt and it is easier to manage one child. We spend quite a bit of time with family and friends so never feel lonely. Her teachers say she is a lovely child. DP and I both do exercise classes and activities through the week and get time to ourselves at the weekend too - and the other one gets one on one time with Dd. My career is important to me and I couldn't have maintained it with more than one. Lots of pluses, just some pressure to conform to society but people have stopped asking now!

Arcadia Fri 05-Feb-16 21:19:11

Oh and far less illnesses to deal with and much more sleep!

Needmorewine Fri 05-Feb-16 21:35:47

yes yes to the less illness and sleep !! Interestingly I met a friend who is French. She has a 3 month old DS and has absolutely no plans for any more, she says it's much more common in Europe to have one and she couldn't understand "why English women keep having children" - her words not mine!! grin

WileHallion Fri 05-Feb-16 21:39:18

I was absolutely happy with one.

When DD was a toddler and our baby group friends started having baby no.2 I couldn't think of anything worse than having being pregnant/having a newborn and a toddler. Eurgh. I knew my limitations and preferences as a parent and stuck to them.

When DD was 5 I accidentally got pregnant with DS and having another was much easier than it would have been if they were closer in age.

DangerMouth Fri 05-Feb-16 22:31:59

I thought l wanted only one for a long time but l never threw out any of dd's stuff so l guess deep down l was thinking l might go again. I now have dd2 with an almost 5 year gap and my family is complete. I know this because as dd2 grows out of stuff I'm binning/giving them away smile

I also had an age that l didn't want a baby after which l've now hit.

I think society makes you question having an only. But have you kept any of your ds baby stuff? I think that's more an indication tbh.

Postchildrenpregranny Fri 05-Feb-16 22:39:38

DH was an only child and was adamant that if we were going to have DCs we should have(at least) two. It was a struggle and we have a three year 8 m gap (mc twice) , but was glad to have a second . I think a biggish gap makes life a lot easier (I was 35 and nearly 40 when they were born )

Jo71 Sat 06-Feb-16 18:48:35

I am an only child and DH is one of 4 our DD is 9 next month our DS died in 2008. My DD hates being an only child and yes life is easy but I can't do everything I possibly I can to give her a sibling. We are in the process of adoption. I have enough time love and energy to give a child a loving home and in turn make my DD v happy.smile

Lizsmum Sat 06-Feb-16 20:24:35

i'm an only child and truly have never ever ever wished for a sibling. My daughter is an only child as it never occurred to me that I would have more than one. She seems to be very well balanced, has always had plenty of friends. She now has a daughter of her own and, due to DD's health issues, she will be an only one as well. DD might have wanted more. DGD has never seemed to wish for a sibling - she's 10 now - and again is very friendly and outgoing.

Postchildrenpregranny Tue 09-Feb-16 14:35:40

I would add that as my DPs got older I was glad to have a sibling to share the care,help make decisions etc.One of my closest friends is an only child who has an only child (not from choice)She says she did feel the total focus of all her DPs love abd attention which was sometimes quite hard to deal with

iPaid Tue 09-Feb-16 23:25:56

Oh this one always pops up hmm I know plenty of people, well women actually, who have siblings but have to do the majority of the caring for elderly parents without help from their brothers/sisters. Really bad idea to have more than one child just in case you're going to become dependent when you are old.

And the other old chestnut about the stress of being the focus of your parents' love! Because none of us know oldest/youngest/middle child who gets more attention than their siblings, do we?

Postchildrenpregranny Sat 13-Feb-16 16:12:28

I was quoting the experience of an only child 'ipaid* ..
And am not suggesting anyone has a second or more children to help look after them Again was only quoting personal experience .My sibling is male and did most of the caring as he lived near my elderly mum as I was 120 miles away with young children .But I did a lot of the paperwork and we discussed all decisions
And when our parents died we supported each other -he was the only person who knew exactly how I felt, though both my DH and his DW were very understanding

elQuintoConyo Sat 13-Feb-16 16:30:23

We have one. He is 4yo. Couldn't go through the baby stage again, hated it fiercely.

He obviously gets all of our attention and focus, but isn't spoilt, he hears a fair bit of 'no'. His same-age niece (my sister in law's daughter) is as spoilt as they come, and spoilt by her GM, who also undermines Sil.

Our DS is full of please and thank you, doesn't demand attention if we're having a conversation, is happy to play alone, has lots of friends, meets his aforementioned cousin a few times a week. Saturdays he is quite happy to be a homebody and play with his toys quietly in between baking Milka chocolate cakes and charging round the garden with a stick sword

Neither DH nor I want another, so it isn't such a difficult decision for us. I must say, though, that we have had barely any pressure or comments about having another child, so that's helped too. I can be a bit forthright when people spout crap at me, so it's a good thing I haven't heard much grin

Brokenbiscuit Sat 13-Feb-16 16:58:39

We have one child. Not through choice tbh - I'd always assumed that we would have two, but it just didn't work out that way.

I love our little family though, and don't feel that anything is missing at all. Far from it. I think my relationship with dd is probably far closer than it would be if she had a sibling. We have loads of fun, and she is very happy. She has fabulous social skills and loads of friends, but we also have more time and money to pursue our various hobbies and interests as well as hers. Quite often, dd finds that her friends cannot do stuff because of siblings (cost, fairness, other commitments etc), and she is very aware of this, so don't think she feels she is missing out.

She is close to her cousin, who is a similar age and also an only, so that relationship will probably endure. As for carrying the burden of caring for elderly parents, I know from personal experience that having a sibling doesn't always mean that the burden will be shared.

I think social expectations make many people feel that they have to have more than one child, but I wouldn't change anything.

candykane25 Sat 13-Feb-16 17:05:44

41, happy with one.
More time, more money, we love our family of three.
I'm not a broody person either but I love seeing very pregnant women as I know the joy they have yet to come. But when I see a newborn it does nothing at all for me.
My own sibling also does my head frequently, much as I love her, so there are advantages to keeping it simple smile

Muskateersmummy Sat 13-Feb-16 17:17:05

38, one DD 3.9 yrs.

We struggled to conceive, she was a difficult pregnancy and a threatened miscarriage throughout due to undiagnosed placenta failure, she was prematurely born. All of this cemented to us that we could never put ourselves or our families through that again. We consider ourselves bless to have one child, one more than we thought we would have.

There are for sure times I wish she had a sibling, mostly when I see other children playing with their siblings, or when she desperately wants to play and I'm too tired (I wish she had a companion to entertain her) but then I remember how little my DB and I played and how much we bickered and think it's not as rose tinted as I wish !

Our dd is the light of our lives, she is well adjusted and not spoilt (as much as any 3 year old can be!) , she's polite and happy. In many ways our lives are more simple and we have opportunities to do things go places with just her that might have been financially unviable or at least trickier with more children.

Ultimately I think people always wonder what life would be like but in the main, I'm very happy and content being the 3 musketeers

Bohemond Sat 13-Feb-16 17:26:04

We have a 1 year old. At 43 I couldn't contemplate having another even though DS was conceived naturally. I don't want two tinies close together and I want to get on with being a family which means not interrupting things with a year of 'baby' again.

We are very happy with our decision - we can give DS all our attention; we are already building friendship groups so he has company and we will be able to afford the things we want for him like a good education and travel.

The only thing I can say is that I am very happy he is a boy - we both wanted one!

littlevic Sat 13-Feb-16 22:42:28

I'm so pleased I spotted this thread! I too have been umming and ahhing about whether a 2nd would be a good idea...
My DD is 9 in a couple of weeks, I love her so much it makes my heart beat faster just talking about it, but I have never wanted another. Until now. Maybe. Or not. Actually think I'm just having a meltdown/midlife crisis smile I'm 39, hubby 42 so like Museumum it's kinda now or never, and DD does ask for a baby sister bless her. But I had a tough time the 1st few years and didn't truly bond with her until she was about 3-4yrs. Awful I know, but I just don't think I'm naturally maternal.
And starting over again really scares me - like a lot of you, we're happy where we are in our lives, both self employed, so financially we'd struggle with a new baby, and the thought of night feeds, teething, illnesses, toddlerdom fills me with fear!
I also feel the pressure from society to have the "perfect family" of 4, and worry my DD is missing out, but she is another very happy, self assured, confident child and surely having a totally drained, cranky mum for the next few years ain't gonna benefit her?!!
Go with your heart, everyone is different, there's no wrong or right answer is there? :/

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