Talk

Advanced search

Finding it hard to accept we will only have one child

(12 Posts)
Marmiteontoastmuncher Sat 27-Jun-15 00:57:40

Hi, just wanted some thoughts on this....

I am really struggling at the moment; I have just had a termination for medical reasons & about a year ago I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks. Me & my OH have a daughter and having come from a large family myself I always assumed we would have a sibling for her; also I just really wanted another child!
However, I don't think I am able to risk what we have gone through happening again & tbh think maybe now I am just too old to try again. My OH does not want to adopt.
I am just struggling to come to terms with having one child; has anyone been in a similar situation?
xx

Atenco Sat 27-Jun-15 01:33:43

Well I only had one child for a different reason, I'd separated from her father and never met anyone else. I wouldn't liked to have more than one, but I was quite content with what I had and even more so when the teenage years came about. When a friend whose dd was the same age as my own and I were just starting to heave sighs of relieve about having survived their teenage years, her younger daughter was just starting them. I've never been so glad that I only had one as then.

And now that all my friends have adult children having one child is immensely peaceful. One friend has three children and there is nearly always one of them having some problem or another and as a mother you can never be happy when one of your children is unhappy. With only one child I get to be a lot happier.

solosolong Sat 27-Jun-15 01:39:36

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds as if you have been through a lot. I know how hard it is to give up on hopes and expectations. I haven't been through the same things as you, but have ended up having just the one DD.
I also come from a large family, and always imagined I would have more DC but ended up separating from her father when she was quite young, and didn't meet anyone else.
I have to say though that as time has gone on, I have seen so many advantages to just having one child.
She doesn't have to fight for my attention, and I don't feel over-stretched. We can do the things that she enjoys doing without having to compromise. She is really confident and outgoing because she is used to making friends wherever we go, and doesn't mind going off to clubs and activities on her own (as she has no expectation of anything else). She is very content with her own company and good at entertaining herself, which I think is a good life skill.
She is really close to her cousins and is very patient with the younger ones, because she hasn't had her patience tried by younger siblings. We also have lots of friends with DC of a similar age, so we usually spend holidays etc. with other children around for her to play with. She certainly has family friends who she has known since birth that she feels are almost as close as siblings, and with whom she has a similar relationship.
Also, remember that it is much more common for children to be only children these days. My DD doesn't feel unusual in that.
I hope with time you manage to see that there are pros and cons to any situation and can come to terms with it.

solosolong Sat 27-Jun-15 01:42:44

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds as if you have been through a lot. I know how hard it is to give up on hopes and expectations. I haven't been through the same things as you, but have ended up having just the one DD.
I also come from a large family, and always imagined I would have more DC but ended up separating from her father when she was quite young, and didn't meet anyone else.
I have to say though that as time has gone on, I have seen so many advantages to just having one child.
She doesn't have to fight for my attention, and I don't feel over-stretched. We can do the things that she enjoys doing without having to compromise. She is really confident and outgoing because she is used to making friends wherever we go, and doesn't mind going off to clubs and activities on her own (as she has no expectation of anything else). She is very content with her own company and good at entertaining herself, which I think is a good life skill.
She is really close to her cousins and is very patient with the younger ones, because she hasn't had her patience tried by younger siblings. We also have lots of friends with DC of a similar age, so we usually spend holidays etc. with other children around for her to play with. She certainly has family friends who she has known since birth that she feels are almost as close as siblings, and with whom she has a similar relationship.
Also, remember that it is much more common for children to be only children these days. My DD doesn't feel unusual in that.
I hope with time you manage to see that there are pros and cons to any situation and can come to terms with it.

solosolong Sat 27-Jun-15 01:56:18

Oops sorry I couldn't get it to post and now it's double. The site seems to be loading very slowly - or that's my excuse!

kickassangel Sat 27-Jun-15 03:45:41

I had DD by IVF and never managed another one. It did cause a lot of heartache and I was desperate for a second child at one point, really, truly desperate.

Now DD is 11, I am 46. There is no way on earth I would have a second child. If I could turn back time and magic one up about 8 years ago, I maybe would, but I am really enjoying coming out of the young child phase, and getting into being a mother of a tween. I know I would have loved another child, but it is actually really lovely to be able to go places as mother and child, the two of us together. If I had more children it would feel a bit more like mum, v the kids. Also, you'd be stuck in the baby/young child phase forever (or so it would feel) and I have really enjoyed getting myself back some time and a career.

Friends of mine have all said that referring arguments between the kids is the worst part of parenting. Not only is it hugely unpleasant to listen to, but also really hard to deal with and very stressful/emotional as a parent. I'm kind of glad not to have to live through that.

I do borrow my nieces sometimes, and try to get DD's friends along quite often for fun events.

Marmiteontoastmuncher Sat 27-Jun-15 08:50:01

Thank you for your very positive replies; it really does help to know there are so many pro's, especially as they get older. Think generly I'm in quite a low place at the moment so hopefully given a bit of time will feel better about things xx

CaitBlanky Wed 01-Jul-15 20:06:25

Here's a nice thread about being a one child family

beryl68 Fri 03-Jul-15 10:42:28

First of all, I'm sorry for the loss of your baby. I have been in a similar situation to you. We had a termination for medical reasons in 2011 (we had a toddler at the time) and since then, I've only had miscarriages. I'm 47 now so know it's not going to happen anymore. I struggled with my circumstances for a long time but I've accepted it now. There will always be some sadness there but I've accepted that that's ok. After the termination, I felt I that I needed the hope of another child, otherwise it was all too much to bear. Perhaps in time, when you have been able to deal with some of your grief, you may feel differently about trying again.
It's a horrible situation to be in and I really feel for you. X

RiverTam Fri 03-Jul-15 10:46:57

It's hard, isn't it. But like others have said, it can be so lovely with just one. We are able to do so many things with DD that would be harder to do with more DC (our world is 'bigger' if you like) and yes to having lots of quiet peaceful times with her. She is 5.5 and we are so looking forward to our holiday, just the 3 of us. We'll have lots of play dates over the holidays, but lots of ine to one time - and no bickering!

PiecesOfCake Sat 08-Aug-15 14:52:13

I was just about to make an almost identical post, so marking my place for advice and reassurance! One DD 3.5yo and 2 miscarriages.

I'd always had the expectation of 2 and a secret desire for 3 but after trying for 2 years constantly I've had to pause or go completely crazy. I do not have time on my side either.

I had a couple of months where I thought I'd convinced myself that just having one was fine, when a close friend's off-the-cuff comments about 'twice the fun' of having two put me back into monitoring-temping-and-trying mode but with resounding un-success once again.

For the last couple of months I've been trying to reassure myself that no nappies, lots of sleep, enjoying DD's conversation and innovation and even getting a few minutes to myself are more than adequate compensation; but there is still always that nagging biological urge I can't seem to get rid of.

And what to do about sex? Do you keep trying, or not trying.

MerdeAlor Tue 11-Aug-15 09:09:08

It does get easier.
After 5 MC we called it a day on our attempt for a second child.

While we mourned the child we didn't have for several years, every day I am relieved we have one child now. We are so close, my DS has ASD and is a complex child. Having two would have been so hard. We can give him all our attention and still have time for us as a couple.

It actually suits us very well.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now