worried about DP's age

[AliceHoney]

I have a 6 month old ds who I absolutely adore. I'd love to have another, but realistically can't afford to for at least a couple of years (I completed a qualification just prior to ds's birth, and the nature of my work means that I need to consolidate that with experience before I can take significant time off eg maternity leave to be sure that I can return to that work afterwards). I'll be going back to work full time in 3 months and DP will be working part time and doing the majority of the childcare. I'm 32, so it wouldn't bother me to wait a couple or a few years to have another baby. My worry is that DP is 50, so would be well into his 50s when the hypothetical 2nd child was young. He just does not see this as an issue, he's very healthy, very youthful, and has more energy and patience than I do. He loves our son and loves the idea of more children. He's a fantastic father and is delighted to have the opportunity to look after ds while I work. He'd be happy to do the same for a subsequent child. I do know how very lucky I am, both to have him and to have our lovely son, but I feel like I'd be pushing our luck to have another, in case something happens to him, or his health deteriorates while the children are small. I also feel like I might be stealing his opportunity to relax and wind down as he gets older. It's difficult to discuss this with him because he can't see what I'm worried about. Part of the problem is that he is extremely laid back and I over-think everything. What do people think? Are my concerns valid or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

[fairgame]

As the daughter of an older Dad (although probably not in todays terms), I would say that your concerns are valid.
My Dad was 40 when he had me and 42 when DB was born. There is a 20 year age gap between my mum and dad and my dad is young for his age. However he didn't always have the stamina to keep up with me and db as we got older. When we were little he used to run around with us and join in. Holidays were always fun, he always used to come on rollercoasters with me and then he had a small heart attack when i was 11 and it all stopped, he just couldn't do the things that he did before. He had a further massive heart attack a few years later and nearly died. Dad has always been fit and healthy, never smoked, never drinks and his heart problems were totally unexpected. He is now 70 and still young at heart but he is getting quite forgetful and getting 'old people' illnesses as he calls them. He was mortified when he had to have a knee replacement 2 years ago!
I don't think that Dad feels that he hasn't had time to wind down because by the time he retired we had moved out and got our own lives. But if he had waited another 10 years to have us then i don't think he would have coped, especially because we were bloody horrible in our teenage years.
I'm sure that there are loads of people who have had children older and it has been fine and hopefully they outnumber what happened with my Dad.

[AliceHoney]

Fairgame, thanks very much for taking the time to reply. What you say pretty much sums up the kind of things that I worry about, and the fact that your dad was actually 10 years younger than DP when you were born does make me feel that I'm right to be cautious. It does sound as though he's a lovely dad though, and I'm sorry to hear about his illnesses. I know anything can happen to anyone - a 30 year old dad could fall under a bus, but it's a case of the odds shortening as you get older that troubles me. Thanks for sharing your experiences, it's given me some food for thought.

[LalaLeona]

Hi I have mentioned on this board before that my husband is 48 and I have sort of convinced him to try to conceive our second child. ( first is 8). I am aware that he is only doing it for me though and that he'd much rather be taking it a bit easier. I am still to ing and throwing about it all though, it is hard to imagine him being 65 with a teenager. I have bargained with him by saying I will do all the work but not sure if this is really realistic..a very tricky dilemma. I too am younger - 36. To make the decision harder he also has a daughter in her early 20s who doesn't live with us, so he will have 3 children then..I just don't know what to do, it's hard deciding between what's best for your husband and best for your child..

[MaudeTheMopLady]

My DH is 62 and we have a DS 4, and I am still considering another... But my Dh worries that he is now too old. He doesn't have the energy of a younger dad, (but he is the wisest and most fun) and DS adores him. I am in a quandary about pushing him into doing it all again, but I think 50 is comparatively plain sailing! If he's keen, I really wouldn't worry about it. Best of luck with your decision.

[Stinkersmum]

Looks like my kid is screwed totally. I be 40 when dc arrives, dh is 46 and we only plan on having one..... an only child with a decrepit father if this board is anything to go by. Bloody hell, lighten up!

[WishIWasWonderwoman]

I think 40 is ok, 50 is probably starting to push it. Having said that, my best friend growing up was born when her dad was 47 and her mum was 39 (she was a much longed for only child) and she didn't really have any trouble, although there were a lot of things she didn't learn as a child e.g. how to ride a bike. But I don't know if that is age related or just the nature of the family, iyswim.

So I would say it's most likely now or never., trying not to be harsh. If you start ttc in 6 or 7 months it could give you at least a year back at work. Would that be enough? I wouldn't put it off more that 18 months- 2 years with your DH's age.

[WishIWasWonderwoman]

Just realised this is a very old thread! Sorry!