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Need advice about only

(6 Posts)
Cadastre Wed 07-Jan-15 10:38:22

There is a bit of a back story so please bear with me.

Myself and DH have one DD who is nearly 14. She's not biologically DD's. We met when she was 5. She has no contact with bio father and calls DH Dad. Since we met we've been trying to conceive. I've had 6 miscarriages. Two of which were last year, both ectopic and resulted in me losing both tubes. I had undiagnosed hypothyroid which caused the earlier mcs and then pure bad luck (and damaged tubes from suspected infection) means that now our only hope is IVF. That's ok for us but here is the dilemma.

We're not greatly enthusiastic about it. TTC was always done in a relaxed way i.e if it happens great if it doesn't we won't get too caught up in it. I'm not sure if it's because we're just too lazy and settled or whether we think a new baby will disrupt the nice routine we've got going. I'm no sure if I'm ok with the idea of not having another - maybe it's a result of all the mcs or the fact that I was a single parent for the first 5 years of DD's life and it was horridly difficult. What I'm terrified of is getting to 45 and badly regretting not having a bio child of our own. DH is an only child so basically his family blood line stops with him. If we don't have a baby together his lineage stops. It makes me feel really sad. I love the idea of us having a baby together but I'm afraid that my judgement is being clouded by the romantic idea of making a baby together.

Sorry for the rambly post. We're due to meet with an IVF doctor in March to discuss options. I don't want to waste the doctors time, our time and money if we're just stuck on a notion rather than on a longing. Opinions greatly received.

WannaBe Wed 07-Jan-15 11:06:53

firstly, I am sorry for your losses.

I would say that if you're not committed to the process of IVF then you probably shouldn't do it. That is of course your own decision to make though.

From my own perspective, after I had ds we ttc for six years for another baby without success. After we'd been ttc for a year we both had some tests and were told that we had "limited fertility." I didn't go through anything like you did but the nature of the issues were such that we were unlikely to conceive again naturally although it was of course not impossible given we already had one baby.

We discussed the possibility of IVF at that point, and for me I just couldn't feel excited about the prospect of going through invasive procedures in order to have a chance of a baby. Plus having known people who had been through it I knew that it was like a rollercoster, and I asked the questions of myself about things like how many cycles could I realistically go through? and what if we decided one or two cycles and then ended up with ten embrio's could I discard embrio's after those cycles and give up knowing those embrio's could have held the key to my potential second baby? And on balance we decided that it was too much of a process to commit to, and that if it was meant to happen then it would happen naturally but if it didn't then we would be grateful for the ds we already had. I realise that everyone is different but for me I just didn't want to become one of those women for who having a baby becomes an obsession to the exclusion of everything else.

As it happened we didn't conceive naturally and I did eventually reach a point where I felt the age gap was too big and I wanted to go back to work etc.

We have since split up and I am now in a different relationship. Different time, different circumstances I would want to have a baby with my dp, but I now have a twelve year old ds for who the age gap would IMO be too big, plus I am nearly 41 and me and my dp don't live together, so by the time we do ds will be into his teens and the thought of having another baby isn't something I would consider. But if I did consider it it would need to be through natural means for me as I still wouldn't want to go through IVF.

IVF is a hugely invasive process plus it clinicalises conception in a way which some people just don't feel comfortable with. If it's not right for you then it's not right for you, there's no judgement in that. :-)

Cadastre Wed 07-Jan-15 11:16:23

Thank you so much for your reply.

I see what you mean about the invasiveness of the IVF and that it's entirely clinical. Because I ovulate naturally and have no issues with conception other than a lack of tubes we are being offered natural cycle IVF. So they will take whatever I produce naturally and implant the embryo. No stimulation. This does cut down on the rollercoaster element a bit!

I think that a big age gap wouldn't be a consideration for me really. As my friends keep saying, DD can help out a bit! I think it's more to do with the fact that we don't have a biological child together. It makes me sad. sad

KatieRiley1986 Wed 07-Jan-15 14:06:23

Hi Cadastre,

I'm new on here,

but just wanted to say I completely understand your feeling about conceiving through ivf instead of naturally. I have a one year old daughter who is an ivf baby. At first it was strange to conceive her through that process but as soon as she was born I very rarely thought about it again and felt the same as any other family with their baby. If that makes sence. When I read your message it sounded to me that you want another baby but are not quite ready for one. My advice would be to wait a little longer until you feel more sure that the time is right for your family. Ivf can be hard. I was lucky it worked first time. But you need to prepare your mind that its possible it won't work the first time.
I think it would be good for your family to have some time to heal from all the miscarriages and to feel stronger if you do decide to go ahead with the ivf.

I hope that helps you

Cadastre Thu 08-Jan-15 12:41:59

Hi KatieRiley, thanks for your reply. It's not the idea of IVF - it's what comes after!! The nappies, the night feeds, the puke, the snot. URGH grin

Cedar03 Thu 08-Jan-15 13:00:31

As you well know conceiving and successfully carrying a baby to term is only the start of a lifelong journey. You need to be prepared for the whole thing and be willingly committed to it. The baby years don't last long either (it can seem forever when you're doing it). And not everyone enjoys those years ( single mother or not not everyone is good with babies).

But as a forty something myself I know that you wonder if you'll have the energy to do the young years again. Some families decide they can, others that they can't.

Not having a biological child of your own doesn't have to be the end of the world. One of my in laws has a step father. He doesn't have his own children but because he was involved since they were young he regards those step children as his own. And in family that can be enough. So are you doing it just for the 'nice to have' reasons of lineage or are you doing it because you really want to have this little person who you will look after (one way or another) for the rest of your life?

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