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Is it wrong to only have another child as don't want DS to be only.

(24 Posts)
Daiso Sun 08-Sep-13 21:45:16

We have a wonderful little man aged 22 mths. I've only ever wanted 1 child. And still feel the same. However, I have recently started to think how I don't want DS to be an only child. I see him watch friends children, children at park etc and would really like HIM to have someone to play with/grow up with etc. Yet I don't have a yearning for another child. Is it wrong to try for a 2nd child just for our DS? I also fear I wouldn't love another child like I do him -stupid I know.

Alanna1 Sun 08-Sep-13 21:49:07

I had a second mainly for that reason - but you'll still love the second one smile

pushmepullyou Sun 08-Sep-13 21:51:08

Me too, and I absolutely adore him smile. So does DD.

I didn't actively not want one though - just wasn't bothered either way

GirlWithTheDirtyShirt Sun 08-Sep-13 21:52:21

I'm not desperate for another, but giving DD a sibling will probably sway it for me. She'll be an amazing big sister.

CMOTDibbler Sun 08-Sep-13 22:02:37

You should only have another child if you and your partner really want one on their own merit, never just to give your child a sibling.

I actually - I wouldn't say I regret my second DC, but I regret that I don't have the same relationship with my eldest that I used to.

She's spent three years now with me telling her; be quiet in case you wake DS, don't leave that there in case DS chokes on it, I can't do that now because I'm changing DS' nappy... etc.

And when there's just the two of us, we can do so many more activities and stuff, and she gets so much more attention, and her behaviour improves dramatically (it's pretty dire normally).

I also felt I couldn't love another child as much as her, but I was wrong. Who knew?!

And TBH, from the age of 2 on they start to get more opportunities to play with kids their own age. Once DD started nursery, she could have had a playdate every day of the week (if I could've been arsed organising it blush).

I assume at some point, the DC (now 6 and 3) will be able to play together nicely, but not now. That'll come, right? Right?!

Bluestocking Sun 08-Sep-13 22:17:26

I don't think "wanting DC1 to have a sibling" is a good reason to have another child. You should only have another child if you and your partner want another one. There's absolutely no guarantee that they'll get on either as children or as adults.

Vijac Sun 08-Sep-13 22:23:31

There are lots of reasons for having another child and that could well be a valid one. It just depends on the strength of the for and against arguments. One other advantage of a sibling is that in adulthood you share visiting elderly parents, helping them out, sorting finances etc. It can be a burden for one. However, lots of merits too. Can you foster close relationships with a friend or families children so that there are 'as good as ' siblings? I'm sure you would live them both.

Daiso Mon 09-Sep-13 09:58:51

Mixed responses then. Its not that I would "hate" a 2nd child, it's just I don't have a yearning for another. DH would like another one. I come from a
big family so at xmas etc it's lovely.

Vijac Mon 09-Sep-13 22:01:20

I think it's fine to not have the yearning bit you do need the commitment and to not be dreading the early years too much. Are you the type who could start to resent parenthood if it get overwhelming or do you go with the flow? Why don't you look out some mothers of one and ask them about their experience.

RandomMess Mon 09-Sep-13 22:04:35

I think the fact that your DH would like another one is important as long as you happy to commit to bringing up another child. The loving thing just happens tbh.

HahaHarrie Mon 09-Sep-13 22:57:54

This was the major reason for us having a second blush. Also I was 'getting on' and as it took years for me to have my first, I didn't want to miss the opportunity if I got broody later.

When we decided to go for it, we were both very content with one and so if it didn't happen, we wouldn't have been too upset. I think we were hoping in a way, that might make the decision for us. With DC1 we had more than we ever hoped.

Baby no.2 came along quickly. Gorgeous baby, but extremely hard work, very stressful, I suffered from depression and we had major problems bondingsad. I hate I don't have the same connection with him as I do with DC1. I would be lying if I didn't say I wished I never had him in those dark days (mainly because I felt sorry for him having such an imbecile for a mother). Also I hated having to divide my attention between the two DC. I always felt someone was missing out. DC2 has some issues which aren't his fault, but are frustrating and puts more pressure on the family. As DC2 is getting older, it is slowly getting a little easier - he is nearly 3. I will feel awful if DC2 ever thought he was just here to make up the numbers. I work very hard in hoping he never feels that way, that he is special in his own right. I do absolutely love him, but it hasn't come so naturally as DC1.sadsadsad

Also, this might be by the by, and I feel gauche typing this, but having 2 DC does cost more. With one DC we would have considered private schools and a smaller house. Also you double up on activity costs, etc..

DC1 and DC2 adore each other, they are very close. This makes it all worthwhile. We saw a side to DC1 we would never have seen if she wasn't a sibling. They play well together and the best sound in the world is hearing them giggling together. On the otherhand they do bicker over toys and it drives me insane! I do love being in a family of 4 and it does seem more complete. If we stopped at one, would we always be thinking 'what if?'??

This is my experience, which doesn't mean it would be yours. Good luck with your decision.

Sorry for the essay!

Scunnilingus Thu 17-Oct-13 20:27:03

Similar experience to Haha the initial shock of having to split myself between both of the DCs lasted for at least 18 months. The bonding took ages to happen with DS2 as well whereas it was far easier for me and DS1. I realise a lot of that is due to my feelings of guilt for 'cheating' on DS1 and I have worked hard to overcome that.

I will admit that one of the main reasons we wanted another was because DS1 was 3.5yrs and I knew I wanted him to have a sibling before the age gap grew and grew and grew. We have a 4.4 yr gap and largely it has worked out nicely.

I wouldn't say I yearned for another child, I knew I'd find the baby bit all consuming and I didn't enjoy DS1's babyhood at all really but the stress of doing it all again with an older child to think about too has nearly killed me at times.

I don't regret having DS2 anymore because as he's grown up, he has taken his own little place in my heart and I do adore him but I can't lie- life was a lot simpler and easier before he was here.

The plus point is that every day DS2 gets easier and more 'human'! He's 21 months now and talking more each day, walking around, following me and DS1 around. DS1 adores his brother and only yesterday at his Harvest Festival he was so proud pointing out his little brother to all his friends and waving at him. Meanwhile DS2 was blowing kisses at his brother and clapping during the show which was really sweet to see. They have their own little relationship which is blossoming and it's beautiful. BUT don't underestimate the hard work of the baby/ toddler years with another child tearing at your heartstrings constantly. I genuinely feel that the first 18 months with 2 children was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my entire life and we are only just emerging from the fog of it all now. We won't be having baby number 3 that is for sure!!!!

SnowBells Sun 03-Nov-13 00:58:48

OP - Does your child have cousins? That is pretty close to a sibling, and yet, your child has the benefit of not being 'stuck' with them 24/7 for years to come. grin

Siblings are only ever great if you get along with them. Yes, when you see those who get along… then great. But there are also siblings that don't get along growing up, and who - as adults - barely see each other, and if they do, it's awkward. Trust me… there are MANY people who have that kind of relationship with their siblings, and many of them would rather not have one. Siblings are not always the be all and end all...

kelly21 Tue 19-Nov-13 17:51:47

ill admit thats the only reason i am having this baby i have struggled with thid pregnancy and not really bonded with my bump ( but that is probably down to my shithead ex ) i know ill love my litte girl when shes here

kelly21 Tue 19-Nov-13 17:54:17

judt to add me and my sister killed each other when we were yiunger never got on were now 20 and 23 we are best friends even having our babies close together even though she was told she couldnt have kids smile

OatcakeCravings Tue 19-Nov-13 18:02:01

I don't really get on with my siblings and never did, growing up I wished I was an only child! As an adult I am completely ambivalent towards them and haven't seen or spoken to them in 2 years. So there is no guarantee that having another child will enhance your existing child's life.

bramblethecow Tue 19-Nov-13 18:18:53

I would say definitely do it. As others have said, you will love DC2 once they arrive! I have one DD, who's 20 now, and I deeply regret not giving her a sibling. I'm currently having nightmares with very ill elderly parents, and am so glad to have my siblings to share the burden. Also, if you only have one, your DS won't have nephews/nieces, and his children won't have cousins etc. A bigger family brings more richness to life I think.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno Tue 19-Nov-13 18:22:48

I was an only child, I had DS2 because I didn't want DS1 to be an only child like I was. Best thing I ever done, my DS2 is amazing and DS1 loves him.

Misfitless Thu 21-Nov-13 22:34:19

I think parents can go a long way to helping their DCs get along. I really think those relationships can be nurtured and encouraged so that the likelihood of siblings not getting on at all can be minimised. Of course this can not always be guaranteed - and sometimes no matter how much effort parents put it, personalities will clash, but surely it's pretty rare for siblings to actively dislike each other in to adulthood?

These threads always get responses along the lines of...'there's no guarantee that they'll get along' ...but I think it's more likely that they will.

I have one sister who's five years older, she hated me when we were growing and tbh, she made my life hell a lot of the time. Looking back though, I can see that my parents were partly (inadvertently)to blame.

We are now extremely close, and she is the person who understands me better than anyone else I know.

By the way, I know several people who didn't long for a second DC, but had one because they didn't want their DC1 to be an only. None of these friends have ever regretted their decision to have their 2nd DC

Dogwalks Thu 21-Nov-13 22:54:43

I am middle child, with 2 kids. My sister only had 1 child by choice, my brother has no children! I'm the only one who really loved my childhood so couldn't have imagined having an only, my sister felt deprived by not being an only and my brother and his partner have chosen not to have kids. What you don't know you don't miss but i do think because our mother has very bad dementia we are a great support for each other, I would have hated not having sibling but I don't think my siblings feel the same. Do what's right for you and your partner kids fit in,

rosielee1 Wed 18-Dec-13 23:01:59

I had a 4 yr old and decided to have another child so my son woudnt be an only child, lost that baby and tried again and so glad I did, I wasn't young trying again, I was 40, but I have a 1.5 year child and she and my son get on so well (apart from when they are killing one another) Although it was a tricky decision to try again, I didn't do it for myself, I did it for my son, and now she is here, I love her every bit as I love my son..hope this helps xx

Snog Fri 14-Feb-14 19:07:36

I find it a really strange idea to have a second child for the sake of the first child! I have an only who is 14 and has never wanted a sibling. We are very happy in our family of 3.
I would only advise a second child if this is what the parents want!

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