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The "school gates social club" - feeling left out

(9 Posts)
RomanMum Wed 03-Jul-13 22:07:47

Just need to vent. Took DD for visit to "big school" today. She loved it and ran off to play. I stood there alone. It seemed everyone else knew each other, so many of them had elder siblings at the school or younger siblings of similar ages. I'm not the kind of person who can just start a conversation with a stranger, and couldn't join the groups. Also being in an affluent area (though we're not) they had that "super confident mummy" look and I felt like a complete outsider. I know it's stupid but I nearly cried this evening. Will it get any better once DD is at school properly? Stressed enough with other preparations without this.

VashtaNerada Wed 03-Jul-13 22:10:56

It might feel like they all knew each other but I bet there were lots of parents feeling just like you! Yes, it does get easier once they're at school because you have things to chat about - when's the school disco? Is non-uniform day this Friday or next? You also get to know parents through birthday parties, I really wouldn't worry too much.

Beamur Wed 03-Jul-13 22:11:08

It will get better. People chat because they've met before and their kids may know each other and so on.
Once your DD is at school, you will get to know people, once she makes friends, you'll get to know their parents and so on.
I joined my PTA to get to meet people in a more social context through which I have made some new - if not friends - but people I am friendly with and get on with.
Friendships take time to develop. Don't worry.

idiot55 Wed 03-Jul-13 22:11:58

Yes , don't panic. Once your daughter gets to know other kids and have play dates you will get to know people. There will be someone else just like you in that playground I'm sure.

KnittedWaffle Wed 03-Jul-13 22:22:43

I know how you feel as I was in exactly the same position as you today. DD happily went off into her classroom and I was left feeling like I was the one at school!
I live in a pretty affluent area (but I'm not that well off), haven't been here long and was working and pregnant with DC3 when I first got here.
I've really had to step outside my comfort zone and try hard to build networks with people for my DC's sakes (and mine!) and although it's been toe curlingly painful for me I have managed to meet a few other mums.
(I actually went up to one lady today that I'd bumped into before and reminded her we'd met, which I would NEVER had done before. Turns out she is lovely and quite pro active so is happy to organise get togethers - and has invited me over next week)

I think it will get better when school starts as the schools often have social events for the parents and it's amazing how good at building friendships the children are!
DD's school mentioned drinks/coffee mornings/a list with contact details so you can call up other parents to invite their children round etc. we also have the school fete on Saturday which we will definitely go to now.

Until then, maybe it's worth doing things locally where you can meet other parents?

DD's dance class has been great for me to do this as it's only half an hour so embarrassment time is short but you get to know people gradually and you have something to talk about if you're floundering!

I'm sure there were plenty of other parents who felt like you - I've just learnt how to hide it. When I got home I flushed bright red and sweaty with embarrassment for at least an hour.
If you happen to be in a certain town in West Yorkshire near the dales then drop me a PM and we could meet up! smile

RomanMum Fri 05-Jul-13 08:39:42

Hi all,

Thanks so much for your words of support. I'm sure it will get better. KinttedWaffle I think you are me (but with only 1 small child)! Sadly I live down south but will bear in mind and thank you for the offer.

Sorry for quick post - nursery run to do!

dildoos Tue 09-Jul-13 21:28:46

Hey roman- my dd is now going into year 1, we didn't know anyone I. Reception as moved to new area,I worried about the clicks at school but a year later I don't know what am worried about as children start playing together and soon it's parties and dinner dates and before you know it you wish you were the loner again as your weekends are consumed with your dc hectic social schedule!
I am positive that all will be good grin
Enjoy the last moments of your child's baby hood as one day at school and they have grown up sad

daytoday Tue 09-Jul-13 22:22:14

They don't all 'know eachother' it just feels like that. When my eldest started school many of us first time mums made a really big effort with each other, presuming that everyone else knew each other really well etc. Years down the line one mum of three told me that she too felt left out as the new mums were all so lovely and although it was her third child, she didn't really know anyone else very well, beyond hello. That was a real eye opener for me.

I think you are as involved as you want to be. There is no hurry - take your time, smile and realise that most people feel exactly as you do. They might have had another child move through school - but not THIS child. They will be worried about this new child just as much as a first time mum.

Scunnilingus Thu 17-Oct-13 21:23:41

Ohhh I really feel for you. This was me about 3 years ago! When my DS started Nursery year at school, he was an only child and everyone seemed to know each other from preschools with younger children or school with older children etc etc. I felt so left out and also worried my DS would suffer and not be invited to parties and make friends too. (I am similar to you by the sounds of it and really struggle to strike up conversation with strangers!)

Anyway, of course DS made friends and I got to know most of the mums through birthday parties and waiting in the cue outside the classroom etc. All worked out lovely and although I'm never going to be 'best friends' with any of them, I can certainly hold a conversation with them and often get invited to social activities with them which I usually turn down because I am antisocial .

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