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Is there anything "practical"; you can do to get over the pain of not having another child?

(16 Posts)
BuiltForComfort Wed 20-Mar-13 10:06:22

Like counselling or hypnotherapy or, well, something ?!

Not for me but a friend. We both have one child and both imagined we would have had more. I am still sad about the extra little person who should have been part of my family ... but I have managed to get past the pain now, to enjoy what I have etc etc.

My friend on the other hand wavers between deciding finally against any more TTC, and doing this, then going back to TTC, then saying "no it won't happen, just have to accept it." But accepting it is seemingly impossible and the pain is eating her up.

Problem is that a few friends and school gate mums have recently announced their pregnancies, some already have 2 or more dc, others are parents of onlies who we might have assumed were with us in the "only" camp. Friend can't cope with it. She reacts badly to hearing news of pregnancy and of course has to witness growing bumps week by week in the playground. She gets tearful and angry about what other people have when she has not.

I wanted to be able to offer some practical advice on this, and hoped it would come better from me because I'm not speaking as a person with the longed for extra child. Has anyone gone down the route of counselling or CBT or anything that was helpful - or is it a matter of time, or just never getting past it?

ilovelilos Wed 20-Mar-13 22:19:57

Watching with interest.
After a few sessions of infertility counselling, I thought I was feeling much better but sadly seem to be back to square one.

You sound like a great friend, I'm sure listening to her will really help, I don't really have anyone I can talk too and would love too, so Im sure that will help her.

StrawberriesTasteLikeLipsDo Wed 20-Mar-13 22:29:47

Why not ask her if she has considered fertility treatment, fostering or adoption? It sounds very much like the 'decision' has not been hers and so she will never make peace with it. Depends whats impeding her really.

FuriousRox Wed 20-Mar-13 22:45:57

Psychotherapy. A therapist will help her look at her reasons for feeling so angry and sad. But a good therapist will also probably go a lot further than just looking at the only child issue in isolation - all kinds of deeper issues are likely to be raised. It can be a lengthy and challenging experience, and life changing too.

I started therapy because I was struggling to conceive. Three and a half years and two DC later I am still going. It is definitely changing my life for the better.

BuiltForComfort Thu 21-Mar-13 13:50:07

Furious that sounds like the way to go. Is there a specific type of therapist to look for? Thank you.

FuriousRox Fri 22-Mar-13 19:36:40

Personally I would say a psychotherapist doing "talk" therapy. Not cbt. Lots of people have good success with cbt, so i dont have anything against it, but my own experience is just "talking" - there must be a posh name for it but I don't know. It was once described to me as "tell me about your mother" therapy but that's clearly not a technical term!

PicaK Wed 17-Apr-13 18:30:19

I think she might just be on a journey with a longer path than yours to acceptance. She sounds normal to me - tho she is prob showing her emotions to you more than to anyone.

I was just like her until i was ready to move on. I can't think of anything that would have helped. Counselling did help to understand my feelings and motivations but not sure it contributed to our joint recovery.

voddiekeepsmesane Wed 17-Apr-13 19:13:41

Wow really people need therapy to get over the fact that they may not have more than one child. Geez.....that is soooooooo sad

LapsusLinguae Wed 17-Apr-13 22:29:27

<I've reported the previous comment>.

OP - I can recommend this book.

voddiekeepsmesane Wed 17-Apr-13 23:13:21

Really we are not allowed an opinion now? I have not personally attacked anyone. Just a general opinion.

PicaK Sat 20-Apr-13 07:36:37

Voddie. Yes they do. Go on the boards that discuss secondary infertility and you will see that the pain and yearning can have a devastating effect.

It's a different type of pain to those who are childless. Having ivfs one of which eventually worked (after a long, long time) and ivfs that haven't resulted in a child i know what i'm talking about.

But it still hurts and i think society in general (as evidenced by your comment) doesn't really understand that. There are always people worse off - the simple fact they exist doesn't actually have much bearing on how you feel inside.

Getting therapy isn't sad - it's a strong and responsible thing to do when dealing with something as all encompassing as infertility.

Thewhingingdefective Sat 20-Apr-13 07:57:21

Ever heard of empathy, voddie? In that single sentence you showed total disregard for someone else's emotions. Having a second child may not be very important to you, but it can be all consuming to others.

OP, I can't really suggest any type of therapy, although talking sounds good. Something like yoga or tai chi might bring her inner peace...

I would perhaps also see if you can get your friend to look at the positives of having a single child and the kinds of things she can do and enjoy now with her child that wouldn't be possible with another baby. Maybe she could start some hobby with her DC (if DC is old enough) that strengthens their bond further.

Fostering or adoption may be a route for her, but I guess she would need to feel emotionally ready for that.

How old is she by the way? Are her TTC days over or does she have plenty of time left?

LifeofPo Sat 20-Apr-13 08:01:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iggi101 Sat 20-Apr-13 08:16:49

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Iggi101 Sat 20-Apr-13 12:57:05

Surprised that what Voddie said is allowed to stand while my (albeit negative) opinion about Voddie is deleted.
Not surprised I was deleted, surprised such a nasty comment on a supportive thread (it's not aibu) is seen as ok.

PicaK Sun 21-Apr-13 21:21:05

Iggi101 completely agree.

But i assumed that Voddie was desperate for one child.

Not sure talking about the benefits of only one child is helpful. Obviously there are a lot but what we're talking about here is the yearning for another child. That doesn't lessen the importance of and love for the existing child.

So maybe you're right and it should be in infertility.

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