Can you cheer me up with positive things about being/having an only child please?

[MrsMcNulty]

Hello, I have only just found this section despite being on MN for about 5 years!

After 5 miscarriages and treatment for breast cancer, I don't think I will be able to give my 4 year old DD a sibling

When I finish my treatment I will be 43. I had all the tests after 3 miscarriages and they could find nothing wrong with me, I then went on to have 2 more miscarriages, then was diagnosed with cancer.

DD is a very happy little thing, and has never asked for a sibling. But I worry she may want a sibling in the future. We live in a bit of a baby boom area (lots of her peers have 2 or 3 siblings), and she may become lonely/bored without a sibling.

So, I was hoping some of you lovely lovely MNetters could cheer me up with positive stories of being/having just one DC. Also, what can I do to ensure DD remains happy and has a happy childhood to look back on when she grows up, because of/despite being an only?

[imnotsmallimfunsized]

The first upside of only having one is that you will have an amazing relationship/friendship with your DD.

MyDD has started asking for another but me ans DP just don't want anymore. So we have explained that, just having our DD means she is extra special.

It also means we get 'mummy days' and daddy days' which is 2 separate days in the month where one of us take her out and spend all day together.

It is also better financially to only have one, my work friends who have more than one are always complaining that they have no money, but me, DD and DP managed to have 2 holidays a year and lots of treats etc etc.

[passivehoovering]

I am so sorrry to hear your story Mrs McNulty. I too have a DD and had breat cancer when she was a baby (probably when I was pregnant with her). ALso MC. And almost 40...I have never met another women who had breast cancer and a small child in RL.

My DD is a happy little thing, she is very confident and will play with anyone. She will also happily play on her own if needed. We can spend lots of time with her and get to know her as an individual. Who knows, she may not have got on with her siblings if we had had them.

We also live in a baby boom area, and the children she plays with are happy to come to ours to play as they can get away from their (and other peoples) siblings!

Try not to worry about what you can't change. Whenever I get low avbout DD being an only I just think that at least she has a Mummy.

[nosleepwithworry]

Well,im not sure that its as easy as writing a list of the pro's of having one.

Its getting your head round the fact that you will only have the one.
This is a kind of bereavement and is a massive thing to have to accept.

For me, 7 mcs later, i am (like you) having to accept this finality.

I have sought councelling over it becuase i definitely feel bereaved and very very unsettled, finding it difficult to see the future with no more, the end, get what you are given and now its time to stop.

At 42 myself, and 12 years of ttc, miscarrying and picking my self up, its kinda become habit and part of every day life.

Counceliing is definitely helping. Ive never been before, didnt know if it would help, but actually it is...becuase its like bereavement councelling on so many levels .

So, hugs to you, also my lovely, im with you with this, feel every inch of your distress.
xxx

[LieInsAreRarerThanTigers]

Sorry you are having these health problems and feeling sad. I wish you all the best healthwise and hope this helps a bit.

Positive points which spring to mind: You will find it much easier to get back to doing things you used to do before dc - families I know with one child tend to do more grown-up things and the child fits in with them, instead of years and years of the adults tagging along to child-centred events.

Most only children I know are perfectly happy that way - the reality of siblings has many downsides for them, even if they are clamouring for a baby brother or sister (usually they specify one or the other and are often disappointed!)

You will not have to deal with the daily grind of sibling rivalry - awful fighting and screaming and crying and oooh the injustice, and the constant and varying demands on your attention...(can you tell I have more than one and sometimes find it very difficult!)

[LieInsAreRarerThanTigers]

Sorry if I sounded flippant - I realise it is tough for you if you have to accept the situation- it took a long time for me having no. 2 and I would have certainly mourned if I had not been able to have him. I am mainly thinking of people who chose to have one child, or started ttc quite late in life and always knew it was a possibility that they would only get one chance.

[TheSurgeonsMate]

I am an only, and am pretty happy.

I had a best friend. There was lots and lots and lots of shared childcare going on - she came on holiday with us, I spent many nights and weekends at her house. When I read about the formal "sleepover" mentality of modern times on here, and how much organisation is needed and people trying to get out of it and so on, I can hardly believe it.

[TheSurgeonsMate]

lions, I'd agree with this - "families I know with one child tend to do more grown-up things and the child fits in with them, instead of years and years of the adults tagging along to child-centred events." As a child I was perfectly happy with this arrangement. I now know that I don't really enjoy browsing arcades for antiques, but back then I was an enthusiastic wee shopper.

[WitchOfEndor]

Have you seen the thread about what the worst thing a sibling has done to you? I had a difficult relationship with my brother and it is putting me off having another child, especially if it was a girl.

[Takver]

Firstly, I'm an only because my parents couldn't have more (in fact I was a lucky break after 12 years of trying!). They were always very open about this with me, right from when they were small - so it was never an issue for me in the sense that I always knew I wouldn't have a sibling, IYSWIM. I think that really is a good approach to take, just tell the truth (but then I'm a fan of that in general with children).

I think there are positives and negatives to any family set up, to be honest - as an only you have more of your parents time and energy, they're more inclined to be happy for friends to come round, things like that.

Obviously there isn't a sibling to be there as an 'automatic friend' but of course that doesn't work for all siblings, there are plenty of lonely middles, siblings who just don't get along etc.

I think as an only you also gain lots of people skills as you have to interact with the world from an only age to make friends in the park, on holiday, places where other children would maybe just play with a sibling.

As a final point - I'm far, far happier that I'm an only child who has a great relationship with parents who had a good relationship and fulfilling lives, compared to DH who is one of three and whose mother basically 'sacrificed herself for her children', gave up her studies and career, and now needs to live through their lives to make up for what she's missed. Having said that I'm sure my DMum would never have done that even if she had managed the five children she wanted when she got married!

Hope your treatment is going well, and enjoy the time and space you'll get to spend with your dd as she grows up :)

[MrsMcNulty]

Hi, thank you all for your input, it has made me cry actually, but in a nice way (I think!).

A big thank you for replying to passivehoovering especially - sorry to hear you have been in a similar situation, but like you I do count my blessings and am thankful that at least I am still here for my DD.

But sometimes I just worry about my lovely DD, naturally, and worry I have failed her in some way by having her too late (at 37) and thwarting my chances of giving her a sibling through illness etc. I know there is no guarantee that siblings would get along or play together. She has never asked for a sibling, but sometimes, like today when I took her to the playground and she wanted someone other than me to go on the seesaw with her (I think she had worked out the slight weight imbalance which would ensue!), I feel sad for her.

Thank you for all your replies.

[passivehoovering]

Ah but DC 2 wouldn't have wanted to play on the see-saw. He/she would have wanted to play on the swing, so DD 1 would have screamed and there would have been an argument and you would be wishing you were at home with a nice cuppa ;)

You will drive yourself mad worrying and wondering about what you can't change. Be a bit kinder to yourself, cancer treatment can be exhausting and you don't need to beat yourself up anymore. Plenty of people have children at 37 and don't grt breast cancer. ( I was 36 ;))

[whereismumhiding]

I dont know if this helps.
I am sorry to hear your news and how it has made you feel for your DD. I think she's rather have a well Mummy who is beating herself up for something else she wanted to provide for DD.
Look I have 3 DC. Love them, wouldnt send them back. They are adorable.
My house is noisy, messy. They play together but boy do they fight together. I adore the 1:1 time I have with my DC, when i get it. Everything is a compromise between what oldest and youngest wants to do, and trying to please 3 DC, sometimes you end up pleasing none. My friends with 1 DC, have more choice on activities, do more range, get more attention and have nicer stuff. They dont live in hand me downs nor have such a tired mummy.
I'm trying to say that your DD will have benefits by being an only child, the same way other children in small family benefit by being one of 2, and those in large family benefit by being one of many. And it's your reality. There isnt the perfect family out there, as you dont even know if your DD would have liked her new brother or sister. Some siblings simply dont get on. It's a personality thing.
Besides, friends are the "new brothers/sisters". Your child can have a close relationship with DC of your friends and be part of a bigger friend family.

[whereismumhiding]

Sorry I meant to write
I think she's rather have a well Mummy than one who is worrying and beating herself up for something else she wanted to provide for DD.