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Adoption. Help me please.

(35 Posts)
Beccaboo29 Wed 18-Apr-12 19:21:38

Hi there,

I've just joined so please be nice to me!

My name is Beccy. I'm a 21 year old single mum to a 3 and a half year old little boy. Just for some background I had my son at 16 and I was no longer with the dad. So at the moment I am still living in my childhood home with my mother. Things aren't to well and we argue always.

My son goes to Nursery full time and I am also at work full time. So my mother picks him up every night and takes him home.

I am really struggling at the moment just with the arguments, my son and work. I am seriously considering giving my little boy up for adoption.

The reasons why are because when I had my son I was to far on to have an abortion and I wasn't strong enough to give him up. I love him but he deserves better I know I sound horrible and really please don't judge me but has anyone else considered this?

I really need your help.

Thank you so much.

talonofthehawk Thu 10-Aug-17 12:20:13

This thread is 5 years old

AndNowItIsSeven Thu 10-Aug-17 12:17:38

As someone who was adopted as a child, and as you are a mother who is adequately parenting your son, the biggest failing would be adoption. Attachment disorder will destroy your son's life. You are not 16 anymore , get some counselling and prioritise him.
Do not fool yourself that your ds would be better off adopted.
Unless a child is being abused /neglected they are always better of with their birth parent.

Nouki Thu 10-Aug-17 12:10:32

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OlennasWimple Sat 22-Jul-17 20:49:16

Hi DW1973 - welcome to MN

There is an adoption board on MN - we're a friendly bunch and very happy to share our experiences and give advice when possible. You will get much more useful information starting a new thread over there rather than posting on the end of an old thread.

If you go through the Talk topics, you can find the Adoption Board under "Becoming a Family" smile

DW1973 Sat 22-Jul-17 20:40:56

Hi im new to mumsnet just after some advice..
We'v been approved for adoption dec 16 and i know it can take ages this is the worst part! We'v been so close twice but always another family chosen over ours..last time was so hard as we'd saw nursery pics & drawings our hopes were high as we were told we were the only ones and if it fell through it would be on our part, the other workers said they informed ours that another family was involved and then chosen, i feel like we had a bereavement! I know its ridiculous has anyone else been through this

mewkins Mon 11-Jun-12 20:58:45

Just wanted to add to the voices saying I hope you start feling positive about things. I work in the world of social services and their absolute priority will be to keep your son with you. That is certainly the best place as all evidence shows that children are best placed with parents w who can love and care for them and with whom thy have formed strong attachments. You may feel like there could be better parents out there, but on that argument everyone would have to give up their child as really no one is a perfect parent. I also think that getting your own place will help and you should be at the top of the list for housing. Also if you contact social services or your local children's centre thy will be able to help in terms of getting support, parenting classes and lone parent groups to help strengthen your parenting skills. There are also ways of formalising respite arrangements to give you a break. SS could make it a proper arrangement for your mum to have your ds every other weekend for example, if all were in agreement.
I hope this helps and wish you all the best for feeling better about things

NunWithADirtyHabbit Mon 21-May-12 16:13:44


The feeling you are having ARE normal. I also had my son at 16 (and funnily enough i was a self absorbed adolescent!!) and worked full time. It is really tough and it took me many years to come to terms with my sense of loss not only for my childhood but for his 'great start at life' that i so desperately tried to provide. 21 yrs later and I no longer feel guilty for not 'being good enough' and have come to terms that my best was in fact good enough as at the time it was all i could give.

I am now a social worker (yes you can go back to uni at a later date ;0) ) and have seen terrible cases of abuse and neglect over the years and the poor children who suffer at the hands of adults - your son is not one of these children (from the information you have provided) and you have mentioned the love you feel for your son. Please keep seeing your counsellor and know that things can get better.

thisisyesterday Sun 29-Apr-12 20:28:27

i too hope that the professionals you are seeing can help you through this.

like i said, i have the utmost respect for someone who has a baby at such a young age and still goes on to make something of themselves, hold down a job... it's hard work and it's no wonder you're stressed out right now

i do think that there are simpler solutions to your situation right now, and hopefully you can talk through all the options with someone and figure out what is right not just for you, but for your son as well.

i think it's totally unrealistic to think that you can give up your son and go on living with your mum and everything will be rosy. that isn't going to happen.
your mum will be devastated.

Please keep coming and updating us if you feel you can. There are people here happy to offer support and kind words if you need them

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere Sun 29-Apr-12 16:15:39

I meant 'I think they will - get better'

If that wasnt clear.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere Sun 29-Apr-12 16:15:07

I think they will Becca.

You will be judged for wanting to give up your son and I think you should be realistic about that.

I am struggling to understand your reasoning which is why I think you have some serious issues going on.

Your thinking isnt logical and it isnt in your son's best interests.
I can see no point in judging you harshly but I am going to be honest with you because you asked.

Adoption is not the easy option here. Not for you and absolutly NOT for your son.

I hope you can find someone who will help you make sense of your feelings.

Beccaboo29 Sun 29-Apr-12 14:55:08

How dare you Myheadmyworld!!!! How can you make such an assumption based on what I have said!! I have never touched drugs! Nor am I selling sex!! You are a horrible person to think that!!

I came here looking for help and not to be judged.. Unfortunately I have not found that from yourself.

Like I've said I love him but I feel like I am failing him.

I am getting help from processionals at the moment so hopefully things will improve.

BeanTheer Fri 27-Apr-12 11:30:02

It's hard but it will improve

My mum left me with my Nan at a similar age (she was a young mum also) and came back for me when I was around 5
Our relationship suffered tremendously and even today at 40 I don't think of her as my parent

Think really hard about what is best for your boy because he only gets the one childhood

thisisyesterday Fri 27-Apr-12 11:14:56

fab posts from mrsdevere

another thing you need to think about OP is how your relationship qwith your mum is going to be after you've had your son given up...

I would imagine your mum cares a great deal about him. Having him adopted doesn't only take him out of your life, it takes him out of hers.

will she be happy to go on living with you if you've had her grandson adopted~

I just can't help but think that there is a far simpler solution. let him stay with her, and you move out.
it sorts out the issue of you arguing
it sorts out the issue of having to work and have a child

SpiceWeasel Fri 27-Apr-12 09:36:05

She sounds like she is depressed and suffering from terrible low self-esteem to me.

Good luck OP, don't make any hasty decisions, and please do continue with your counselling.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere Fri 27-Apr-12 08:04:56

For me, the total lack of empathy for her son is what makes me think otherwise myhead

Even with some of the worst cases I have come across the parent seems to do a lot of 'justifying' IYSWIM.

Its all very shallow and selfcentered justifying but its there.

The OP sounds totally flat and rigid in her thinking that this is the best way forward.
I could be wrong, there is no way of telling if I am or even if this is genunine.

She needs to do something though. Her first option is not going to be as simple as she thinks because SS are going to say all the things I and PP have said.

Last thing they want to do is take on a nearly 4 year old who has a loving relative willing to care for him. They are not keen on footing the bill for raising a child because the parent doesnt want to.

I hope she takes a step back and I hope she considers what has been said on here. Abandoning a child to the care system is something that causes repercussions for generations.

Whatever the reasons, whatever the circumstances, this is all very sad.

Myheadmyworld Thu 26-Apr-12 23:33:11

In most cases I would agree, i may come across as a heartless bitch on this one however a week later and the OP has received so much support and great advice yet she has made no referral to her DS's feelings, character or behaviour or showed any remorse for these feelings she has and the repercussions they will have as has been pointed out by everyone. If anything she has indicated (IM possibly harsh O today) that she has v little feelings for this poor boy and would rather stay living at home, save money, go out, corner her mum into just dealing w it and work her fun job. So no, I just can't sympathise.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere Thu 26-Apr-12 21:49:13

That could be the case myhead but it most likely is not.

I doubt that the OP would bother posting on MN if it were.

Her feelings are without doubt abnormal. Why she has them is not really the point ATM.

What is important is that she realises that her fantasy of her son being adopted to a family and everything being all lovely is just that, a fantasy.

And no I am not soft in the head. Far from it.
I just know there is nothing to be gained from ranting at a stranger on the internet and expecting it to make any difference.

I am concerned with getting the information across.

The OP's plan is not the best one and its not going to work. The sooner she realises that the sooner she can stop using it as an obstacle to sorting this situation out.

Myheadmyworld Thu 26-Apr-12 21:41:05

Well I'm wondering if this is depression or if this is just a self absorbed young woman who never grew out of her adolescence and now feels the need to make up for it?! Do u really think giving him away for adoption will ease the guilt? Out of sight out of mind? Trust me nothing works like that! What is this job you love more than your son? Your mother provides a roof over your head and cares for your son yet you are willing to let him suffer through the system...out of spite? To whom? There is something you are not saying... Are you an addict? A dealer? An escort? FFS has everyone on mumsnet turned soft in the head? biscuit

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere Thu 26-Apr-12 21:16:25

I am sorry that you feel that you cannot live with your son.
The point is that you are the adult and you have the choices here.

If you feel you cannot be a parent to your son you should allow your mother to be his carer. If that means you move out that is what you should do.

As a single woman with a good job you will be able to find a rental property.
Your mother can claim CB and CTC/WTC for your son as his main carer.She will be able to apply for a Special Guardianship Order so she has PR for him.

Your son will remain in his home with someone he knows. The loss of his mother will affect him but at least he will have some consistancy.

As your mother has already said she will have him, adoption is not in his best interests, or yours. Even if it feels that way.

You may feel that if he is adopted you can have a fresh start. It really is not as simple as that. Adoption means forever. You will lose all legal rights to have contact with your child. You will no longer be his mother.

As has already been stated - you son will not go from your home into a new adoptive home. He is likely to spend time in foster care and there is no gaurentee that he will be adopted. You really need to take note of this.

If your mother tells SS that she wants to keep your son SS will be unwilling to get involved.

It may be that you are suffering from depression. It does seem that way to me. I feel sad that you are feeling this and want to take such extreme measures.

Others have mentioned that you seem to be focussing on your son as the root of your difficulties. It sounds like that to me too. This makes me think that you could do with some help in working out what is going on. If you need to move away to do this then do it.

Your son will be well over 4 before he is anywhere near being adopted.
This means that his chances of being adopted are low.

If you say you do not want to care for him I belive you (and I am not judging you because I dont know why you feel like this) but do you really want your son to spend his life in care?

I really urge you to get some help. I hope you find a way through this.

Your son is the most important person in this situation.

mirry2 Thu 26-Apr-12 20:50:16

Why don't you move out and let your son stay with your mum? Then you would get some breathing space and his life wouldn't be disrupted.

Beccaboo29 Thu 26-Apr-12 20:44:59

I stay in North East Scotland.

I have said everything I can. I work really odd shifts and I am really sorry to say but I am not one of those mums that wants to be around their child all the time.

With regards to my mum.. We argue not only about my son but things in general.

I am really struggling with life in general at the moment and have spoken to a counsellor and am taking it from there.

I love my little boy but feel he would be better off with someone who would appreciate him more.

Janoschi Wed 25-Apr-12 11:33:02

I just feel so sad for the little boy.

As yesterday says, if you earn too much to get help with housing, then you're on a decent wage so why can't you find a nice little 1 bed flat? It won't be big maybe but it'll be YOURS and you can decorate it nicely.

Is there something else going on that you've not mentioned, as your situation doesn't really add up in my opinion. Why would the arguments stop with your mother if you're still living together, but with the added issue of having given up your son?

thisisyesterday Tue 24-Apr-12 23:06:03

you'd rather give up your son for adoption than live in a council house?

i think it would be worth you seeing your GP and asking about counselling for this tbh.
tell him how you feel, that you want to give your son up for adoption, and ask what happens, because I know it's something that they talk to you a LOT about before it would ever happen... and maybe you need to access that counselling so you can talk it through with someone completely impartial?

you say you're struggling with arguments, your son, and your work.... and I hguess I'm wondering why you're picking this option out of all the others to make your life easier?
I mean, you could sort out the arguing or the work with much less ill-effect on your son surely? but you don't seem to want to

if you earn too much to be able to access help with housing then is it impossible to think that you could rent a place of your own? your mum could still help out with your son but you'd have some space of your own?

or if you really, really don't want to have him any more then he could live with your mum but you would still be close by?

i'm thinking of what would happen if you had him adopted. he would move out. i assume your mum would be pretty upset.
would it stop the arguments? you'd still be at home, you'd still be working.. it isn't going to change any of that surely?

Janoschi Tue 24-Apr-12 22:33:50

My twin and I were brought up in a static caravan for the first 3 years of our lives, then my parents found a tiny 1 bed cottage. My own DD is living with us in a tiny 2 room (not 2 bed, 2 room, as in living room/kitchen and tiny bedroom) flat and it's a squash but manageable. Couldn't afford more than 350 so that was the only option. Saving a little now though so we're aiming for the giddy heights of a 450 2 bedroom flat next year.

My mother has a 5 bedroom house all to herself but there is no way I'd move in because I find her extremely stressful. I find that I gain a sense of a pride and achievement when fighting things through.

I understand how desperate you must be feeling but Mrs Devere has a point about the fostering. I'd feel very sad taking a little boy out of a loving family unit and thrown into an unstable, traumatic situation. He's old enough to wonder what he did wrong. Fostering is a godsend for abused/neglected children but your son sounds well looked after.

To me you sound very depressed and frustrated and maybe you're searching for a concrete reason why you feel so stuck. Your son is an obvious target but I seriously doubt giving up your son would make you feel better.

You do need to move out though. Can I ask in which area you're living? Might be able to find some options for you.

Beccaboo29 Mon 23-Apr-12 18:12:02

I don't want a council house though and I also earn to much to be entitled to help with housing. It's catch 22 either way.

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