want to smack my MIL

[redrosette]

argh. its started again. my brother in law and his GF are trying for a baby and my sis is pregnant with her second. So of course as expected, my MIL starts up again.

"an only child is a lonely child"
"you'll regret it"
etc

And my DH does nothing. Says his mum is entitled to an opinion. She's 'unhappy' but she's allowed to be. He says 'YOU made the decision not to have another and I've accepted that". Makes me sound like a bad person (I know he'd really like another).

Just feeling very hurt and angry and needing to vent! :(

[CMOTdibbler]

I'm not suprised you are angry. The only time my MIL tried this sort of thing DH went ballistic at her, and she's never said a thing again.

TBH, I'd be tempted to have some very frank words with her - like 'MIL, I know you only have our best interests at heart, but we have made this decision, and it is not going to change. Talking like this is not helpful to us, and I know you will understand that we are asking you not to bring the subject up again'. If she does start again after that you can be shorter with her

[ComeIntoTheGardenMaud]

I agree with everything Cmot has said but I also think you are entitled to expect more support from your dh than you are currently (from the sound of it) getting. Yes, his mother is entitled to her opinion but it's a very moot point whether she's entitled to express it in such a hurtful and undermining way. If your dh has (as he says) accepted your decision to stop at one then he needs to own it now as a joint decision and he ought to be willing to stand up to his mother on your joint behalf - if he doesn't (and if she doesn't stop offering the unsolicited opinions) it could become very divisive.

[dontforget2scream]

I only have one DD (whether or not I'll ever have another is a whole different thread!) and have had similar insensitive comments from people; indeed my DP's parents went so far as to tell me - when pregnant - that if you're only going to have one child you shouldn't have any at all! It's the only thing I've ever heard them agree on. So I do truly understand why you feel so hacked off.

However, although in an ideal world your DH would be able to have a few choice words with your mum, I do have some sympathy for him. There have been times when I have really wanted another child and my DP has been firmly against. Whilst I had no choice (other than leaving an otherwise very happy relationship) to accept and respect his decision, I have to confess that during those times I was sometimes secretly pleased it when people made pro-having another child statements around him. I know point scoring against your partner isn't mature but it was how I felt.

If your DH would really like another then, although his head could have accepted your decision, in his heart he may still feel a deep sadness at the situation. I don't think that just because he is a man we should dismiss how heartfelt his longing for another could be.

I am not necessarily excusing his lack of support but just think that it may be harder for him to be supportive if he is struggling with his own feelings.

[dontforget2scream]

Sorry - "his mum" not "your mum" - I was up too early this morning!

[nickelbabe]

I think it's your DH you should be taking it out on.

seriously, though, maybe you two need to sit down again and talk about it properly again. (with no blame attachment)

it's important for your relationship, because one wanting one thing, and the other wanting another (no pun intended), it can strain a relationship.

[allnewtaketwo]

She really should keep out, you must be furious.

I think that if a couple of another child because one partner wants it but the other doesn't, then it's probably a surefire route to increased tension & possible breakup. Having a young child can be difficult enough, but if one parent didn't want to have another child, then I can imagine it's a nightmare.

I know children with siblings who lonely/can't amuse themselves/terminally bored etc etc. Her comments are absolute nonsense

[AMumInScotland]

If your MIL is "entitled to an opinion" then you are equally entitled to tell her exactly what you think of her opinion, in very strong terms. Personally, I always love the idea of expressing it as "Fuck Off And Die" though I don't actually say it out loud very often....

But it does sound as if the main problem is your DH - if he was saying "we've agreed to stop at 1" then I'll bet she'd shut up a lot quicker. If you can make peace with him on the subject, it would probably help.

[allhailtheaubergine]

If the decision to have no more children was yours and you forced it on your husband (however reasonable your reasons may have been, it cannot be a compromise situation and you got your way and he didn't) then I think it is good of him to have "accepted it" but it is not reasonable to expect him to defend a decision that he would not have made. This is between you and your MiL. Be frank with her; tell her that her comments are only hurtful and are not going to change anything.