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I want a second DC, DH does not

(11 Posts)
scarecrow22 Fri 30-Sep-11 22:45:40

We have a DD of 9m. I am now keen to talk about trying for a second, if not now then in the nearish future: I am just 41 so don't want to delay too long, and (less importantly) am considering retraining. My DH is mostly not in favour, though he has not ruled out possibility totally. The problem is I can't seem to find a
way for us to discuss it without him getting wound up.
I am totally drained as still night feeding (once) and recovering from a bad month recently of 2-4 wakings per night, so haven't quite got energy to really push, plus have the inevitable concerns about taking on another child and how we would cope if s/he not as easygoing as DD, but somehow it I trust I would love another, which would double the joy, and would love to give DD a sibling of we are able.
One of DH's greatest concerns is how he could love another child enough (he is a devoted father); he is also worried about our time and cost, though we both have okay paid jobs. I gather it is not so unusual for men to want one only?
Any advice on how to open a better conversation or progress this?
Seems rather personal but after months of
trying and not getting anywhere not sure where else to turn.
Thanks.

Bluebell99 Fri 30-Sep-11 22:57:08

Hmmm time is really against you, you can't really afford to wait. My friend was in a similar situation, she had her first at 38, a difficult birth, premature, high blood pressure. Her dh was really against trying for another. So they didn't try for a few years even though she had trouble conceiving. Anyway upshort is she is 50, menopausal, still desperate for another child.
Does your dh have siblings? Does he have a good relationship with them? I think you have to think to the future too, do you want your dd to have the burden of caring for elderly parents alone? I have two children who are two years and eight months apart. They are really close, and enjoy spending time together. When we go out for the day, they are happy to play together, whereas an only child would be hanging around with their parents. Pretty sure he would love a second child equally, have not heard of any dads in my experience not loving a second child.

scarecrow22 Fri 30-Sep-11 23:03:05

He has a sister. They are not particularly close, but I think her family is important to him, and she certainly is a great help in supporting his parents. Plus I get on really well with her and she has great kids and adores our DD.
I'm sure he'd love the second, but I have to get him to trust. And to see it is more important and fun than an easy life...

scottishmummy Fri 30-Sep-11 23:17:42

no,you must discuss and seek his opinion,isnt solely about your bio clock is also about him.feeling ready, wishing be dad again

and two isnt necessarily double fun
just as singleton isnt always a drag on parents mooching about

and finally don't have additional kids to ease so called "burden" for your old age. no child is born to be automatic carer for elderly

Bluebell99 Sat 01-Oct-11 10:37:12

The first few years with two are hard, and you are ten years older than I was so maybe doing it in your early forties rather than 30's would make it even more so.But having said that a few of my friends were your age. I do think for you your biological clock is imperative because if your dh thinks it over and decides in a couple of years actually he would like more children then it would probably be too late. I had my first, then a miscarriage at 32, then my third pregnancy at 33. Several of my friends had problems conceiving. also I think having siblings in later life is a support.

ComeIntoTheGardenMaud Sat 01-Oct-11 19:17:13

I suspect you'll get more answers from people who've been in a similar situation if you post elsewhere in parenting - on the whole, people who post in one child families either have one by choice or one by circumstance, so having a conversation with a partner who's expressing reluctance about having a second child may not be something they've experienced.

Speaking for myself (mother of one by circumstance) all I can do is agree with ScottishMummy that an only child does not spend all their time mooching forlornly with their parents (within 10 minutes of arriving anywhere, mine has found a new friend to play with and, besides, she seems to quite like spending some time with her parents) and there are, sadly, plenty of people whose siblings do not bring them any joy and who leave them alone to care for frail and elderly parents.

Sterny Wed 05-Oct-11 18:07:22

I am in the same boat. I found the whole parenting thing v hard for the first few years and couldn't imagine having another child straight away. By the time I started wanting another child my DH adamantly does not want another one. He is a very 'hands on' sort of Dad and says he simply does not have the energy to have another child. He refuses to even entertain the possibility of having another child and it has caused some friction between us as he gets very uptight if I even try to raise the topic. I am not 100% that I definitely want another child and am only 31 which means that we are avoiding the topic for the moment. For the record, our 5 year old DS is an absolute delight and is a very happy, secure only child.

EmmaNicole Thu 06-Oct-11 08:24:21

@Sterny...me too. I have a 2.5 year old DD. She is a joy but we have found parenthood a lot more challenging, and tiring!, than we imagined and we have some difficult times coping. I too am not 100% I want another and my rational head can definitely see the advantages of sticking with one. BUT my heart (and hormones) tell me to have another...and I can't stop thinking about it. my DH is also adamant that he doesn't want another one...he's not particularly hands-on and has a full-on job (we've just moved to France and have no family round us which doesn't help) Unfortunately I am 38 so don't have the luxury of time. It's consuming my whole life at the moment and I change my mind hourly!!

tigersmummy Thu 06-Oct-11 15:52:24

What a tonic this thread is! I too find myself in a similar position. I had a very difficult 45 hour labour resulting in emergency C section so for several months I was adamant DS was going to be our only one. DH always talked about another at some stage though. DS was an easy baby but challenging and boisterous toddler! Now 3.5yr he's an absolute delight but a year ago it was quite a different story. We talked earlier this year about another and both agreed (him more than me!) to stick to one. I started having second thoughts in August and raised them with him, which he wasn't keen on. I asked him to think about it, but he hasn't raised the topic again (head in the sand I think!). The issue has not gone away for me though. I don't have an issue with having another, and was keen on an age gap of 3+ years, but can also see the benefits of sticking with one child, especially as I'm working part time and thoroughly enjoying it. DS's best friend has just had a baby brother whom DS dotes on and always talks about. I can see him making a brilliant big brother, although I am not naive to believe all siblings get along!
I guess we need to talk.....again....confused

scarecrow22 Sun 09-Oct-11 04:55:53

Some fellow undecideds ... Sorry for you, but glad I am not alone (was odd place put thread perhaps but could not see better).
Have talked again DH (find long car journeys best!) and we have boiled issue down to mostly time, and slightly money (which is adequate now). This helps focus the discussion, which is good. But I am struggling not to feel deep down that DH is prioritising an expensive hobby (which I don't have any interest in) over conceding time and money for another child. This is somewhat unfair as (a) he is such a great dad to DD, and (b) arguably he is being more realistic given our means/age/energy and demands on our time. But the rumble is there.
Plus, like some of you, I of course still have some concern of my own.

Sterny Fri 14-Oct-11 17:03:33

@Emmanicole. Sorry haven't checked back on this thread. Like you, my DH's job has, I suspect, been a big factor in his not wanting another child. He has been a very hands on dad (when possible, as he works 70+ hours a week) and I suspect he feels that he simply does not have the energy to spare raising another child. This makes me feel cross sometimes as I am a perfectly good parent who is happy to take the lion's share of responsibility and I wish he would take more of a break when he is at home. He and DS have such a close bond that they are often off doing their own thing and so I often feel like a bit of a spare part. This often leads to a ridiculous day dream where I imagine myself with a daughter off doing girly things. Because I cannot even raise the subject of more children with DH as he is so opposed to the idea I have channelled my energies into my friends and other interests. I can't help feeling rather left out sometimes in our family of 3.

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