Advice on DD please, long sorry(8 Posts)
So, my DD and I have just moved over 250 miles leaving possibly ex possibly not partner behind whilst properties and business etc. are sorted out and we can make decision as to whether he moves here to be with us or doesn't. We have moved back to where I am originally from and where my DDs father lives, also her grandparents (my m&d) and her auntie and cousins (my sister and neices). Partner isn't my DD's father. My ex husband is. Partner has been with me and DD since she was 18 months old. She saw her father very rarely due to distance and his long term health problems, maybe once every 4 or 5 months, sometimes longer.
We have been here for nearly 4 weeks now and she has seen her Dad every weekend, been spoilt seen the GPs had a lovely time etc.
Tonight after she got back from her dads, we went out for a meal with my parents, my sister & BIL and her 3 kids (it is the first time since we moved that my DD has seen sister and BIL and her cousins) was lots of fun for the kids all very over excited etc.
When we got home my parents came in for cup of tea and I put DD to bed at nine, only half hour or so later than a school night so she wasn't overtired, or so i thought.
Parents left about 20 mins after DD had gone to bed and as they drove off I heard her crying. She said she has been having "bad thoughts" that she can't get out of her head. Involving her doing nasty things to her dad, running him over, pushing him in a river etc. and also she has been worrying that he is going to take her out for the day, forget her, drive off and get a new daughter. She said she thinks it is a "warning" that she hasn't to do these things (push him in a river!). All very sad and she was very upset. She hasn't said any of these kinds of things before and is normally a pretty cool cucumber about everything. Took about half an hour to calm her down and she went to sleep. My mum seems to think it is just a combination of being tired after weekend/over excited at seeing and playing with cousins at meal and the attention she is getting off her dad on a regular basis after not having seen him for months on end. Is she right? Writing it down it makes me sound like a twit who can't cope with normal kid behaviour but this hasn't happened before and I am blaming myself thinking I have "fucked her up" by moving here, taking her away from school/my partner who obviously was her father figure from age of 18 months. Bit and stressed tbh.
Sorry so long. Thanks in advance.
You haven't said how old she is. Without knowing that, it's difficult to know what to say, but I wonder whether she's confused. Have you told her (in an edited and age-appropriate way, if necessary) why you moved back to your home town?
What a tit She is 8.
Yes I have explained that we are going to be near our family and her father and therefore her extended family and that partner is going to visit us, still be a part of our lives but has to "sort out" his work and "the house" etc. She understood all that and was fine with it.
As mentioned in the rambling thread her Dad has some fairly serious ongoing health issues and they prevent him travelling long distances so obviously I also explained that it meant she would be closer to Dad, as she knows he is unwell (not to the extent of how unwell), and could see him very often.
I thought she might be that kind of age.
I don't think you're a tit and I very much doubt that you've f***ed her up, and certainly not irretrievably. If you want proper advice from a qualified source, you should ask your GP rather than ladies on the internet, but FWIW my jumble of disconnected ideas is: Is she normally a confident child? Does she take change in her stride or might the move have unsettled her (perhaps more than she's been letting on if she's trying to be brave for you)? I wonder too whether she's simply overwhelmed by spending so much time with her father, having had a long-distance relationship for so long. Does she miss your partner? Are the thoughts about pushing her father in the river to do with a sense of loyalty to your partner?
Has she started at a new school? She may be (and seem happier) once she's found some friends. She's only had four weeks to adjust to the new life and it may be best to wait and see how things go in the next couple of weeks but if you think she really is anxious or distressed, then don't be shy about seeking help for her.
She is very confident, we have moved quite a lot due to P work and she is very very quick to settle. I don't think it is about being brave for me. I do think it is a lot to do with, as you say, being overwhelmed with having so much time and attention from Dad. She does miss P but the excitement and novelty of having Dad "on tap" has taken over the missing, IYSWIM. The more I have thought about it I have remembered that she has mentioned for the last few months, dreams/thoughts about things happening to me, dieing, being hurt at work and not being able to get to her after school. I think perhaps she is just coming up to that age where they realise that parents are not invincible and sadly start to realise and notice the sad things in the world.
She has started at school, tomorrow will be the start of her third week and she already has friends who
scream call her name from the minute they see us walking into the playground. She has always had the ability to make friends instantly unlike her cave dwelling mother.
Writing this down has been very very helpful actually so many thanks for reading and responding. Think we will go out after school tomorrow and have a chat somewhere nice. She was fast asleep and murmuring to ted when I went to check on her so hopefully tonight was just a combination of all things, tired, excited, too much attention.
Appreciate you taking the time to respond.
All that sounds good, in suggesting that she will cope with this move too. The other thought I had overnight is to ask whether, if she doesn't want to talk about any of this to you, she would talk to your mum?
If ever you want to let off steam about anything, please come and have a or in the one and only tea room.
It all sounds very normal to me in my experience of an 8 year old - of course yours has more going on in her life as regards lots of big changes & it will of course affect her, but the core of that sounds very similar to things I'm seeing with my own DD at the moment & she's had no changes & a stable home life with both Mum & Dad.
I too have worried about some of the things she's come out with lately as regards dreams, thoughts & worries - she's having dying dreams & in particular lots of driving the bus & its out of control type dreams - something I know to mean she's feeling out of control in her life & therefore for her age taking on too much responsibility - this worried me as i do have health problems & though she's aware of that I do everything in my power to not let that affect her & always thought I do pretty well, but have been reassured by talking to friends with older girls or girls the same age
In short it does seem to be an age thing - though perhaps with your DD her thoughts of wanting to harm her Dad, could possibly lie at least a little in a bit of guilt she may feel at replacing her father figure with her real Dad & enjoying that - just a thought, but might be worth reassuring & exploring that with her
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