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Pregnant with 2nd Child but happy as I am with one

5 replies

Sequin1 · 16/04/2011 19:25

Hello

My situation is I am in a relationship of 11 years, happy and have one son age 3. I suffered a traumatic birth and struggled with being a mum just with how it completely changes your life, it is only in the last year that I feel I am beginning to feel 'normal'.

DP and I only in passing would say 'it would be nice for DS to have a sibling' but nothing more than that and no conscious 'trying' and to be honest didnt think it would happen as told DP couldnt have children naturally so DS we thought was a miracle - and here I am 6 weeks pregnant at the age of 40.

I had a feeling I was pregnant and before I tested I had an overwhelming feeling of panic and thought hopefully this is a false alarm and we will draw a line at one child as I am happy as we are.

I have known I am pregnant for 2 weeks now, I was just getting back on my feet, looking forward to DS going to school and pushing on with my career ( currently work part time) to be able to go on holidays and just generally be comfortable and I also do not relish repeating the experience of the early baby days, birth, sleep deprivation etc and my DP works 12 hour days so I will be doing all the care myself. There are also the risks due to my age.

I went to see a well known advisory service for advice and to be honest I thought they were supposed to be impartial and whilst they listened to how I felt and my guilt at not wanting to go ahead they said they have so many people who came to see them as they regretted their decision and could never get over it, I asked about the local clinics and was told that the feedback they had that it was 'cold and like a conveyor belt' and then when I said my Dp was 100% supportive of my decision I was told that often they say that but often they do bear a grudge' so what i hoped would be a sympathetic ear didnt quite turn out like that and to be honest made me feel even more guilty.

I dont think I could cope with another baby, I struggle with one and honestly I am just happy as I am however the guilt that as a woman and a mother I could be considering a termination makes me feel like I am cold hearted.

I know no-one can make the decision apart from DP and I however I just wanted to share this with you and if you can share any advice/experiences I would love to hear from you.

Thank you x

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BooBooGlass · 16/04/2011 19:29

It's not uncommon to panic at even a planned second p[regnancy. With me, I really valued having a close relationship with my dd, and worried that addign a sibling to that would be robbing us both of somehting. I spentmy whole pregnancy worried I'd done the wrong thing, and did suffer PND, though I think that would have happened anyway actually. Ds is now almost 3 and we wouldn't be without him.
On the other hand, there is no reason to continue with a pregnancy you know you don't want. I think the clinic could have been more tactful in their wording. I think a lot of women do struggle with termination, it's not an easy decision. But only you can know what's right for you and your family.

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SkyWithDiamonds · 17/04/2011 08:14

What a useless advisory service! If you've already made the decision (which I think you have), then it's the justification that's the hard part - put yourself next to all those girls and women in the world that always have unprotected sex, get pregnant at the drop of a hat and then get rid of them with no thought or emotion. Your situation is different: You're weighing all the pros and cons, and you're also obviously really feeling horrible about it. If you think that it would seriously change the way your life is going for the worse, then I personally would have an abortion. Far worse things happen, and yes, you may well always grieve/feel guilty to a certain extent, but it will fade. You may well always wonder "What if", but you can bet if you had the baby you'd wonder "What if I hadn't".
It's a horrifically hard decision, and I'll be thinking of you.

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ElsieR · 17/04/2011 09:35

You sound like you have made up your mind. The decision is yours and whatever you decide it will not be easy.
I think you know in your heart of hearts what you want. Good luck.

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BooJonesMummy · 18/04/2011 16:36

If you have already made your mind up then you shouldn't feel discouraged. You have thought about this long and hard for the past 2 weeks and you know how you feel about this. Loads of people moan about how immoral abortions are but what is worse? An unwanted child or an end to a pregnancy before the fetus even has a heartbeat? If you really are sure you don't want to go ahead with the pregnancy go to the local clinic and get yourself booked in.

Some clinics will automatically refer you to a councellor if you want one so you will be able to talk about it afterwards if you do experience guilt and regret and the "what if.." state of mind. You are old enough to make your own decisions. Thoughts are with you. x

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Sequin1 · 18/04/2011 17:40

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply and for your thoughts.

I am due to go to the Doctor on Wednesday to advise of my decision. I just feel so cold hearted and almost not normal for not wanting to go ahead, I know for sure that if I wasnt pregnant I would not try for a second child however I am just struggling with the guilt over how I feel.

I have tried to think how this could work and just feel so selfish that I cannot put my desires for a comfortable life/career to one side to provide a sibling for DS.

I am an adult though and I got myself into this situation so I have to take responsibility, its just so hard.

x

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