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Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

One-child families

At what stage do you reach the point when....

17 replies

neverright · 12/02/2011 20:49

...you are 100% sure that having an only is the right thing to do?

So glad I found this section I was beginning to feel that ds is the only only out there all our friends are on round 2 of babies and the pressure has in times felt huge.

ds is now 3.5 and we've tried for another for over a year. We now feel we want to move on to the next stage in our life and having another isn't going to feature in our future. I wasn't ever 100% sure on having another and felt I was doing it more for ds. I now realise that this isn't a good enough reason.

Anyway enough waffling I'm sure its the right thing for the 3 of us and our family does feel complete but there is just the smallest part of me that questions if we are doing the right thing. For those of you that made the decision not to have another did you ever waver?

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Reading a lot of the threads on here has certainly made me feel happier about the decision.

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NorthernGobshite · 12/02/2011 20:58

I was sure almost as soon as had dd that she was enough and that I couldn't love anyone else that much.

I have had very occasional, very short wobbles - usually hormonal related - but know that it is the right choice for her and us.

I love that she is the centre of our universe, I would hate for my time/finances etc to be diluted.

mozette · 12/02/2011 21:00

Agree with everything NorthernGobshite says

CMOTdibbler · 12/02/2011 21:12

My DS is 4, nearly 5 now - he's an only in a sort of by choice way (we thought we only wanted one before, but 3 mc, a traumatic pregnancy, and prem birth, confirmed that). I'm totally happy with having one, and don't regret at all not trying for another child. He's lovely as he is, and I know I couldn't do all that again

CPtart · 12/02/2011 21:19

I never had a massive urge to have a second child but did so because i thought I may regret it later in life. 2 1/2 years after my first son was born I had our second, and it is the absolute best decision I have ever made. My love is not diluted, (money and time maybe!!) but to have created another little life, another little person so wondeful yet so different from the first, and to see them play and interact, to watch them grow up together, I am so so glad we have two children. Make no mistake it was hard work when they were baby and toddler, but has paid off in leaps and bounds day by day, for all of us!

DrSpechemin · 12/02/2011 21:26

DD is 6 and an only by choice (more by circumstance really - dh is rarely around due to his job, I work as well and am very aware of my limitations)

Also - I have never felt a real overwhelming urge to have another child - I had a bit of a wobble when dd was about 9 months but I think that was as she was no longer really a baby.

That said - I think I'm still young enough to have about 5 years left to change my mind - neither dh or myself want to do anything permanent to stop conceiving another child so there is still that 'what if...' Highly unlikely though.

DD is very sociable - has a lovely group of friends and has two girl friends who are like sisters to her - I love it being the three of us and luckily dh feels the same.

The thought of falling pregnant and having another baby sends me into a cold sweat.

Tee2072 · 12/02/2011 21:36

Due to my health issues, mental and physical, my son was a bit of a 'miracle' baby who took two years to conceive. From the moment I found out I was pregnant at 39, due at 40, I was 99% sure he'd be an only.

Since he was born, my health issues have been getting worse and I know I could not have another.

He's 20 months now and there is no way I could handle a new baby as well.

Sometimes, in the deep dark night, I wonder if we would have had two if the miscarriage I had at the very beginning of those 2 years had stuck.

But those really are middle of the night thoughts. I'm 42 now and have no need or desire for another!

purpleknittingmum · 12/02/2011 21:42

I knew when my daughter was about 2 years old I didn't want any more, she is now 14

Got sterilised about a month before I was 30. A neighbour fell pregnant with a new boyfriend when previously she had been the same as me, only wanting the one child. I just knew I would be devastated if I fell pregnant

never regretted it

DontCallMeBaby · 12/02/2011 21:59

I never had any urge to have a second child - just lots of wibbles about DD being an only. I started to get over it when I gave myself a stern talking to, asking myself if I had ANY intention of saying to DH 'let's try for another', getting my coil taken out, booking in for fertility treatment again ... no. I was just beating myself up. Once DD turned 4 I found the remaining pressure disappeared quite quickly - although I know people with bigger age gaps, and it works for them, the rose-tinted view I had of siblings playing together really doesn't feature with a gap of over four years. Now she's nearly 7 we're at the point where I'd pretty much be bringing up two separate only children, AND I'm nearly 40. I'm entirely comfortable with my (our) decision now.

It does help that DD's only desire for a sibling is for an older sister who appears and disappears according to her (DD's) whim. :o

SkipToTheEnd · 12/02/2011 22:19

I always thought that DD would be an only. I was more then happy with that notion with just the odd wobble when holding newborns etc.

8 years later and I was very shocked by an un-planned pregnancy. I doubted I'd love the new baby - especially given the circumstance he was born into. But I wouldn't change a thing now.

I also firmly believe that if I'd not had him, I'd still be as happy with my only child. I think the key is just to accept what you have and make it work for you. I know that right now I'd never plan for another baby. But never say never.

Dontcallme baby - DD used to ask for a big brother. Luckily she's happy with her baby one but I think that's largely down to the fact that he has hair long enough to put in a ponytail!

neverright · 12/02/2011 23:26

Thank you so all for replying. Makes me smile about wanting an older sibling I got into trouble when I was younger for creating & telling everyone at school I had an older brother called wait for it Barry. Obviously wasn't happy with the real life younger brother I had.

Totally understand the cold sweats at the thought of another. I guess just occasionally I wonder if we're all missing out on experiencing what CPtart describes.

Its a very recent decision so I think I just need to give myself time to adjust. Ds is wonderful but has definately kept me on my toes. Life is just getting soooo much easier but occasionally wonder if I'm being selfish.

OP posts:

NorthernGobshite · 13/02/2011 16:19

You are allowed to be selfish. Having children is a selfish act really; our want to procreate. I feel that I am a better parent to my one dd than I would be to 2 or more children.

It boils down to wether YOU want another child. I am constantly amazed by friends who have baby number 2 because "dear [insert name] so wanted a baby sister/brother".

Orissiah · 14/02/2011 10:01

Having children is completely selfish in this day and age (there are enough people on this planet as it is) so I have no problems stopping at one :-) Okay, on a serious note - I decided on one child even before DD was conceived. I was/am an only child and had a happy childhood, never wanted siblings, so I don't even consider myself being selfish for not giving DD a sibling (not that she's asked for one, yet).

ethelina · 14/02/2011 10:39

I've always known that Boy would be an only. Neither I or DH have any desire for another.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 14/02/2011 11:16

I knew from the moment I was pregnant with our DD that she would be an only.
It took us a long time (around 10 years) to get and hold onto her and I had a shockingly awful pregnancy.
When we lived in Thailand, we did look into adoption. For several reasons we never got any further than the initial investigation.
Our DD is a very happy, content, settled little girl and has told me repeatedly that she doesn't want a sibling.

neverright · 14/02/2011 20:52

Thanks for all of your comments. I'm beginning to feel much more relaxed about it all. Its good to hear that it isn't the end of the world for ds far from it. As some of you mentioned I know I'll be a much better mother to 1 than to 2. Now time to sort of the loft full of baby things. May have to build myself up to that one.

Thank you

OP posts:

Orissiah · 16/02/2011 08:53

OP, remember to keep the special items of clothing/baby toys though. I've kept first pair of shoes, first outfit home from hospital, first pair of jeans, Christening dress, first soft book, first rattle, first toy she actually interacted with properly etc for my DD. My parents kept key items of clothing and significant toys for me (an only child) and before I went off to university we had a lovely time in the loft looking at everything :-)

neverright · 17/02/2011 10:32

Thanks Orissiah I will. Not than ds will be sentimental about them but I'm sure it they will produce few tears and lots of happy memories for me over the years

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