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is it normal to just want one child at this stage?

(13 Posts)
mollysmum82 Thu 18-Nov-10 14:34:57

My daughter is now 15 months old I just couldn't contemplate having another baby. I wondered if others felt the same way when their LOs were so young and then went on to change their minds?

I absolutely adore my dd and I love being her mum more than anything. As cheesy as it sounds I picture a really happy future for the three of us and I don't want anything to get in the way of that.

I really struggled to conceive, having no periods for 13 years, fertility treatment and miscarriages. I also had a very difficult birth - my daughter was born blue as my placenta had stopped providing her with oxygen and I really thought she was going to die. I feel so lucky just to have her.

I had pnd after having my daughter and it really put a strain on my marriage. I was having suicidal thoughts daily and my poor husband was really struggling to cope. I'm feeling so much better now though and I'm really starting to love every minute with my family and feel like such a better mum and wife now. I'm so scared another baby will set me back again.

I've put my career on hold for a few years to look after dd full time and whilst I do love spending every second with her I miss my job and do want to go back to feeling like a normal person again. Goodness that sounds so selfish.

My husband really wants another baby though and he thinks it would be really good for DD. I feel so selfish for not wanting one and I just wonder if I will change my mind?

I don't really know what to do contraception wise as I'm breastfeeding and have PCOS, so its unlikely I'll conceive naturally. My husband has agreed we can leave it to chance rather than actively try but even then I'm scared I'll get pregnant. But then if I do have the coil fitted I could be jeopardising the only chance I might have to have another baby.

Sorry this has turned into a bit of a rant...I don't really know what I'm asking, but your thoughts would be really appreciated.

Thanks lots

CMOTdibbler Thu 18-Nov-10 14:44:17

Gosh, I'm not suprised after all you have been through that you don't currently want another child.

It's not selfish to want to work again, or not to want another child when you have been through hell to have to one you have (and I've been there). Your dd does not need a sibling - she can grow up perfectly happy in a one child family.

Having a coil fitted isn't a one way street - you could always have it removed to ttc if it comes to the point that you feel ready to.

Scarabeetle Thu 18-Nov-10 15:01:00

Molly - I HEAR YOU!!! Have a 10 month old and I found the first months really tough. I don't see myself being able to do this again, particularly with one child already. Don't succumb to any pressure to have another baby, if you want another, you'll know. Personally, I know this is my only child. He's wonderful & as I say to anyone who asks...'My family is complete'.

ASmallBunchofFlowers Thu 18-Nov-10 20:51:37

Well, it was my experience that the two women in my NCT group who were most adamant that they were going to stop at one went on to have a second child very quickly so, yes, many women do change their mind. But those two women hadn't had anything like the awful experience you had.

The one thing that jumps out of your post is that your dh thinks that a second child would be "really good" for your daughter. It is by no means certain that it would - it might or it might not. But more importantly, I think you need to take the decision in the round, focusing on many things and not just what you imagine the consequences for your daughter to be. Having another child wouldn't (it seems to me) be in any way good for your daughter if it put your health in jeopardy - that could have a huge impact on all the family.

Do come and have a chat in the tea room if you wish. We're drinking virtual mulled cider tonight. smile

rednose Thu 18-Nov-10 21:01:06

Mollysmum82 I can COMPLETELY understand ur dilemma. I too was sure I didnt want any more children after DS1 as the change in lifestyle was totally unexpected to me.

I found that joy (most of the time anyway) DS1 brings made my mind up to try for number 2! Its the sleep deprivation which kills you not to mention the other complex things you had going on-no one can decide for you but it is a big life change no doubt- good luck

mollysmum82 Fri 19-Nov-10 12:17:21

Thanks so much for your lovely responses - its so good to know others have felt the same way.

AsmallbunchofFlowers - thank you for your invite, I'll definitely pop in! Mmm mulled cider!

MamaVoo Fri 19-Nov-10 14:05:50

I decided that I didn't want another when DS was less than a year old. He's now 3 and I know with absolute certainty that I won't change my mind - although I did go through a period where I wasn't sure.

Up until recently DH would have liked another, but fortunately felt that it had to be my decision and never tried to pressure me in any way. The other day he said that he couldn't start at the beginning again with a new baby and he's happy just as we are.

As for leaving it to chance, I don't think I'd be happy to do that in your situation. If you don't actively want a baby at the moment, or at any time, then sort out contrapception - however unlikely you think you might be to conceive.

MoonSkin Fri 19-Nov-10 16:57:20

My situation is slightly different, I decided when I was 15 that I would only ever have one child, 13 years on I still feel exactly the same way (I have a 10 year old)...

You may change your mind, or you may not. The most important thing is that you enjoy every moment with your LO as they grow up so very quickly!

You shouldn't feel selfish for only wanting one, in my case, having an only child has been a wonderful experience, for both me and my son. grin

mollysmum82 Sat 28-May-11 20:05:29

Hello ladies. I just wanted to come back on to update you and thank you again for your support those few months ago.

DD is 21 months now and I'm still nowhere near ready. She's been so poorly these last few months, spending three days each month in hospital on oxygen and nebulisers. DH and I have had some really low points, partly due to the stress of her illness and tiredness. He said a couple of months ago I made him feel lower than he's ever felt in his life and he found it hard to love me sad Granted, this was said at 3am after a horrendous night with our daughter and he has apologised so much since. We are normally such a happy, cuddly couple though and I just want to get back to the way things were. Things have been so much better with us since and we have started to have a glimpse of the old wonderful relationship we had before our daughter came. I adore our daughter more than life itself and I don't resent her at all for the way things have been with DH, but I am really scared another baby will set us back and we just won't ever recover.

I've been trying to deal with my pnd and upsetting pcos symptoms but in the thick of things DH came home and said he'd love another baby now! He says he regrets the 4 year age gap he and his brother had as they've only recently become close. So now I don't only feel pressure to have another, I now feel pressure to do it now!

I know I'm going to have to be strong and say no to my husband, for the sake of my health as well as our marriage. But I really worry he will resent me for not having another baby. Has anyone else been through this? I'm also really scared that if the pnd comes back with a vengeance I may end up spoiling my wonderful relationship with DD.

I'm so sorry to moan, it would be lovely to have a friendly ear or some advice xx

ComeIntoTheGardenMaud Sat 28-May-11 22:07:08

Hello again.

I have never been in anything like your situation, as there was never any realistic prospect of our having a second child (we could have had yet more treatment, but felt we had been so lucky in having our child that chasing the small chance of having another wasn't our priority).

I wonder whether you and your husband could go for counselling, because there seen to be some very big issues under the surface here. Even if you were to fall pregnant instantly, there would be about 2 1/2 years between your two children and, with your past history, you may well end up with the sort of gap that your husband thinks is undesirable. But this (I think) is the minor stuff. More important is that your husband sounds very gung-ho about having another baby, even though he must know how difficult it was for you to have your daughter, how you struggled after her birth and how much time and energy you still need to give her because of her health problems. He is also rather naive (it seems to me) in thinking that the distance in his relationship with his brother is because of the age gap - it could simply be a personality clash or any number of other factors.

You sound (not surprisingly) quite low and very tired. Have you spoken to your GP about any of this? Do you have any RL friends to chat to?

mollysmum82 Sun 29-May-11 12:41:19

Thanks so much for your post ComeIntoTheGardenMaud. I'm so sorry to hear you've had fertility problems too, but really pleased you're at a place where you feel happy x

I do have some lovely RL friends I could talk to...but none of them have had children yet. I was the first in our group and I can't imagine them having any for a while. Plus DH is a really private person and he'd be furious if he found out I'd discussed our relationship with them (I delete MN History!) Its a great suggestion for counselling, I'd thought about it just for me at one point. But I'm a bit worried about opening a big can of worms now I'm starting to heal (if that makes sense?) There's no way DH would go for it. I genuinely think he thinks there's no problem. I think if I can keep my head above water and keep a brave face on there won't be a problem with us - I was always such a happy go lucky person before pregnancy and this was the side of me he loved. So I think now things are settling down with DD's health and sleep I can regain that side of me again. One of the big reasons for not having another baby is I don't want to subject DD and DH to that horrible, depressed side of me again.

I'm so sorry, this has turned into such a moan again! I reread through everyone's responses and you've all really helped me, thank you. I feel awful about saying it felt good that others had been through the same, obviously I wouldn't wish any of this on anyone, I just meant it helps to know I'm not alone in my feelings if that makes sense?

PukeyRag Tue 31-May-11 18:39:35

I understand to an extent, though i've not been through as much as you. Before I had kids I really wanted a big family, so that they could all grow up with brothers and sisters and not be lonely, but after DD was born I did question wether I wanted any more. sad She's been a pretty difficult baby and I don't think I could go through it again. DP isn't keen either, never was! Also being a young mum (21) my life has changed HUGELY and I haven't even had a chance to start a career etc. which I would love to do. At the same time I really hate the thought of DD growing up with no siblings. It's extremely confusing! I'm wondering if one day i'll change my mind, and I guess for anyone whatever happens, happens smile

maggiemai Tue 21-Jun-11 14:36:52

I believe that everyone should do what is right for them. I have one child and feel very happy and forfilled. It makes me really upset when people make comments that in some way my son will be disadvantaged or lonely. He has a full life with lots of friends and family to play with. He has everything he needs and we can give him lots of time and attention. A sibling would put huge financial pressures on us as a family due to the rocketing price of child care. Never mind about funding university in teh future if taht is what he wants to do! This is stress that nobody wants or needs. I think everyone should make a decision to have none, one, two or ten children based on what is right for them and their family! So long as you can support and provide for your children live and let live!! I love children but I will not have another based on it being a playmate for the first (which might not naturally happen) or because society says I should have 2.4 kids!! The only reason to have a child is because you really, really want each and every one in their own right! Be happy and don't feel like you have to justify your decisions, you are clearly a fab mommy! x

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